A.  PIRATE  OF  FAKFS 


C         x       NEVILLE 


A  Pirate  of  Parts 


' 


"All  the  worlds'  a  stage 
And  all  the  men  and  women  merely  players" 


A  Pirate  of  Parts 


By 
RICHARD  NEVILLE 


'One  man  in  his  time  plays  many  parts." 

— SHAKESPEARE 


NEW  YORK 

THE  NEALE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

1913 


Copyright,  1913,  by 

THE  NEALE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

All  rights  reserved 


To  my  sister,  Mrs.  Mary  Hughes,  who  for  years  has  been 
associated  with  several  of  the  most  notable  presentations  on 
the  American  stage  and  with  many  of  the  most  prominent 
and  talented  of  American  players,  both  male  and  female. 


"BILL  OF  THE  PLAY" 

CHAPTER.  PAGE. 

I. — Is  all  our  company  here? — Shakespeare 9 

II. — What    stories    I'll    tell    when    my    sojerin'    is 

o'er. — Lever    13 

III. — Come  all  ye  warmheart'd  countrymen  I  pray 

you  will  draw  near. — Old  Ballad 19 

IV. — Now  would  I  give  a  thousand  furlongs  of  sea 

for  an  acre  of  ground. — Shakespeare 25 

V. — I  would  rather  live  in  Bohemia  than  in  any 

other  land. — John  Boyle  O'Reilly 30 

VI— What  strange  things  we  see  and  what  queer 

things  we  do. — Modern  Song 36 

VII. — He   employs   his    fancy   in   his   narrative   and 
keep  his  recollections  for  his  wit. — Richard 

Brindsley   Sheridan 44 

VIII. — Every  one   shall   offer   according  to   what  he 

hath.— Deut 53 

IX. — One    man    in    his    time    plays    many    parts. — 

Shakespeare    62 

X.— Originality    is    nothing    more    than    judicious 

imitation. — Voltaire    67 

XL— All   places  that  the  eye  of  heaven  visits   are 

happy  havens. — Shakespeare 76 

XII. — There  are  more  things  in  heaven  and  earth, 

Horatio. — Shakespeare 84 

XIII.— Life  is  mostly  froth  and  bubble.— The  Hill...        91 
XIV. — Nature   hath    fram'd    strange    fellows    in    her 

time.— Shakespeare    100 

XV. — Come  what  come  may,  time  and  the  hour  runs 

through  the  roughest   day. — Shakespeare. .      100 
XVI. — A  new  way  to  pay  old  debts 126 


XVII.— The  actors  are  at  hand.— Shakespeare 135 

XVIII.— Twinkle,  twinkle  little  star.— Nursery  Rhymes      140 
XIX. — Experience  is  a  great  teacher — the  events  of 

life  its  chapters. — Sainte  Beuve 149 

XX. — I   am   not  an   imposter  that   proclaim   myself 

against  the  level  of  my  aim. — Shakespeare      159 
XXI. — I'll  view  the  town,   peruse  the  traders,   gaze 

upon  the   buildings. — Shakespeare 169 

XXII. — Is  this  world  and  all  the  life  upon  it  a  farce 

or  vaudeville. — Geo.   Elliott 187 

XXIII. — All  the  world's  a  stage  and  all  the  men  and 

women  merely  players. — Shakespeare 200 

XXIV. — There's  nothing  to  be  got  now-a-days,  unless 

thou  can'st  fish  for  it. — Shakespeare 204 

XXV. — Joy  danced  with  Mirth,  a  gay  fantastic  crowd. 

— Collins    214 

XXVI. — Say  not  "Good  Night,"  but  in  some  brighter 

clime  bid  me  "Good  Morning." — Barbauld.      226 


A  Pirate  of  Parts 

CHAPTER  I 

"Is  all  our  company  here?" — MIDSUMMER  NIGHT'S  DREAM. 

Yes,  he  was  a  strolling  player  pure  and  simple. 
He  was  an  actor  by  profession,  and  jack  of  all 
trades  through  necessity.  He  could  play  any 
part  from  Macbeth  to  the  hind  leg  of  an  ele- 
phant, equally  well  or  bad,  as  the  case  might  be. 
What  he  did  not  know  about  a  theatre  was  not 
worth  knowing;  what  he  could  not  do  about  a 
playhouse  was  not  worth  doing — provided  you 
took  his  word  for  it.  From  this  it  might  be  in- 
ferred he  was  a  useful  man,  but  he  was  not.  He 
had  a  queer  way  of  doing  things  he  ought  not  to 
do,  and  of  leaving  undone  things  he  should  have 
done.  Good  nature,  however,  was  his  chief  qual- 
ity. He  bubbled  over  with  it.  Under  the  most 
trying  circumstances  he  never  lost  his  temper.  He 
laughed  his  way  through  life,  apparently  without 
care.  Yet  he  was  a  man  of  family,  and  those  who 
were  dependent  upon  him  were  not  neglected,  for 
his  little  ones  were  uppermost  in  his  heart.  Act- 
ing was  his  legitimate  calling,  but  he  would 
attempt  anything  to  turn  an  honest  penny.  In 
turn  he  had  been  sailor,  engineer,  pilot,  painter, 
manager,  lecturer,  bartender,  soldier,  author, 
down,  pantaloon,  and  a  brass  band.  To  preach  a 
9 


io  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

sermon  would  disconcert  him  as  little  as  to  under- 
take to  navigate  a  balloon.  He  could  get  away 
with  a  pint  of  Jersey  lightning,  and  under  its  stim- 
ulating influence  address  a  blue  ribbon  temper- 
ance meeting  on  the  pernicious  effects  of  rum. 
Where  he  was  born  no  one  could  tell.  He  claimed 
laughingly  that  it  was  so  long  since  he  was  first 
produced  he  had  lost  track  of  the  date.  A  friend 
of  his  maintained  that  he  was  bred  in  the  blue 
grass  region,  he  was  such  an  admirable  judge  of 
whisky.  On  that  score  he  might  as  well  have  been 
born  in  the  County  Galway  as  in  the  state  of  Ken- 
tucky. He  had  a  voluminous  shock  of  red  hair; 
his  name  was  Handy,  and  no  one  ever  thought  of 
addressing  him  otherwise,  even  on  the  slightest 
acquaintance.  When  he  had  an  engagement  he 
was  poorer  than  when  he 'was  out  of  a  job.  He 
was  a  daisy  of  the  chronic  impecunious  variety. 

The  summer  of  — '7  was  a  hard  season  with 
actors,  and  as  Handy  was  one  of  the  guild  he 
suffered  like  the  rest  of  his  calling.  He  was  not 
so  fortunate  as  to  have  country  relatives  with 
whom  he  might  visit  and  spend  a  brief  vacation 
down  on  the  old  farm,  so  he  had  to  bestir  him- 
self to  hit  upon  some  scheme  or  other  to  bridge 
over  the  so-called  dog  days.  He  pondered  over 
the  matter,  and  finally  determined  to  organize 
a  company  to  work  the  towns  along  the  Long 
Island  Sound  coast.  Most  men  would  have  shrunk 
from  an  undertaking  of  this  character  without  the 
necessary  capital  to  embark  in  the  venture. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  u 

Handy,  however,  was  not  an  individual  of  that 
type.  He  was  a  man  of  great  natural  and  econom- 
ical resources,  when  put  to  the  test.  Moreover, 
he  had  a  friend  who  was  the  owner  of  a  good- 
sized  canvas  tent;  was  on  familiar  terms  with 
another  who  was  the  proud  possessor  of  a  fairly 
good-sized  sailing  craft;  his  credit  at  the  printer's 
was  good  for  twenty  or  twenty-five  dollars,  and 
in  addition  he  had  eleven  dollars  in  hard  cash  in 
his  inside  pocket.  What  more  could  an  enter- 
prising man,  with  energy  to  burn,  desire? 

On  the  Rialto  Handy  picked  up  seven  good 
men  and  true,  who,  like  himself,  had  many  a  time 
and  oft  fretted  their  brief  hour  upon  the  stage — 
and  possibly  will  again, — who  were  willing  to  em- 
bark their  fame  and  fortune  in  the  venture.  They 
knew  Handy  was  a  sailor  bold,  and  so  long  as 
they  had  an  angel  in  the  shape  of  a  vessel  to  per- 
form the  transportation  part  of  the  scheme  with- 
out being  compelled  to  count  railroad  ties,  in  case 
of  ill  luck,  sailing  was  good  enough  for  them. 
Besides,  time  was  no  object,  for  they  had  plenty 
of  it  to  spare. 

They  were  all  actors  like  Handy  himself.  The 
stories  they  could  unfold  of  barn-storming  in  coun- 
try towns  in  years  gone  by  would  fill  a  volume  as 
bulky  as  a  census  report.  Moreover,  they  could 
turn  their  talents  to  any  line  of  business  and  dou- 
ble, treble,  quintuple  parts  as  easily  as  talk.  They 
were  players  of  the  old  stock  school. 

One   of  the   company  played   a   cornet  badly 


12  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

enough  to  compel  the  inhabitants  of  any  civilized 
town  to  take  to  the  woods  until  he  had  made  his 
departure;  another  was  a  flutist  of  uncertain  quali- 
fications, while  a  third  could  rasp  a  little  on  the 
violin;  and  as  for  Handy  himself,  he  could  tackle 
any  other  instrument  that  might  be  necessary  to 
make  up  a  band;  but  playing  the  drum, — the  bass 
drum, — or  the  cymbals,  was  his  specialty. 

A  company  was  accordingly  organized,  the  day 
of  departure  fixed,  the  printing  got  out — and  the 
printer  "hung  up."  The  vessel  was  anchored  off 
Staten  Island,  and  was  provisioned  with  one  keg 
of  beer,  a  good-sized  box  of  hardtack,  a  jar  of 
Vesey  Street  pickles,  a  Washington  Street  ham, 
five  large  loaves  and  all  the  fishes  in  the  bay.  The 
company,  after  some  preliminary  preparations, 
boarded  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean,  for  such  was  the 
pretentious  name  of  the  unpretentious  craft  that 
was  to  carry  Caesar  and  his  fortunes.  Perhaps 
Handy's  own  description  of  the  first  night's  ad- 
venture might  prove  more  interesting  than  if  given 
by  another. 


CHAPTER  II 

"What  stories  I'll  tell  when  my  sojerin  is  o'er." — LEVER. 

"Well,  sir,  you  see,"  said  Handy  some  weeks 
after  in  relating  the  adventure  to  a  friend,  "we 
had  previously  determined  to  start  from  Staten 
Island,  when  one  of  the  company  got  it  into  his 
head  that  we  might  show  on  the  island  for  'one 
night  only,'  and  make  a  little  something  into  the 
bargain.  Besides,  he  reasoned,  all  first-class  com- 
panies nowadays  adopt  that  plan  of  breaking  in 
their  people.  Some  cynical  individuals  describe 
this  first  night  operation  as  'trying  it  on  the  dog,' 
but  as  that  is  a  vulgar  way  of  putting  it  we'll  let  it 
pass.  We  turned  the  matter  over  in  our  minds, 
and  almost  unanimously  agreed  that  it  was  too 
near  the  city  to  make  the  attempt,  but  the  strong 
arguments  of  Smith  prevailed — he  was  the  one 
who  first  advocated  it — and  we  therefore  resolved 
to  set  up  our  tent  and  present  'Uncle  Tom's 
Cabin'  with  an  unparalleled  cast  from  the  Califor- 
nia Theatre. 

"You  must  remember  we  desired  to  have  the 
company  hail  from  a  point  as  far  distant  as  pos- 
sible from  New  York,  and  we  could  hardly  have 
gone  further  or  we  would  have  slid  right  plumb 
off  the  continent.  But  we  told  no  lie  about  the 

13 


i4  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

company  being  unparalleled.  No,  sir.  You 
couldn't  match  it  for  money.  It  was  what  might 
be  legitimately  considered  a  'star  cast  company.' 

"One  of  the  company  was  a  dwarf.  That  was 
lucky,  or  we  would  have  been  stuck  for  a  Little 
Eva.  So  the  dwarf  was  cast  for  Eva;  and  he 
doubled  up  and  served  as  an  ice  floe,  with  a 
painted  soap  box  on  his  back  to  represent  a  float- 
ing cake  of  ice  in  the  flight  scene.  He  played  the 
ice  floe  much  better  than  he  did  Eva.  But  that's 
neither  here  nor  there  now,  as  he  got  through  with 
both.  What's  more,  he's  alive  to-day  to  tell  the 
tale.  Between  ourselves,  he  was  the  oddest  look- 
ing Eva — and  the  toughest  one,  too,  for  that  mat- 
ter— you  ever  clapped  eyes  upon. 

"In  the  dying  scene,  where  Eva  is  supposed  to 
start  for  heaven,  we  struck  up  the  tune  of  'Dem 
Golden  Slippers'  in  what  we  considered  appropri- 
ate time.  Well !  whatever  it  was — whether  it  was 
the  music,  the  singing,  or  little  Eva's  departure 
for  the  heavenly  regions — it  nearly  broke  up  the 
show.  The  audience  simply  wouldn't  stand  for  it. 
Just  at  that  impressive  moment  when  the  Golden 
Gates  were  supposed  to  be  ajar,  and  dear  little 
Eva's  spirit  was  about  to  pass  the  gate-keeper,  a 
couple  of  rural  hoodlums  in  the  starboard  side  of 
the  tent  began  to  whistle  the  suggestive  psalm, 
'There'll  Be  a  Hot  Time  in  the  Old  Town  To- 
night.' When  I  heard  it  I  felt  convinced  it  wouldn't 
be  safe  to  give  that  programme  for  more  than  one 
night  in  any  town. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  15 

"We  hurried  through  the  performance  for  two 
special  reasons:  first,  because  the  audience  evi- 
dently did  not  appear  to  appreciate  or  take  kindly 
to  the  company  from  the  California  Theatre,  and 
secondly  on  account  of  the  rising  wind  which  was 
beginning  to  blow  up  pretty  fresh,  and  the  tent  was 
not  sufficiently  able-bodied  to  stand  too  much  of  a 
pressure  from  outside  as  well  as  from  within. 
Consequently  we  rang  down  the  curtain  rather  pre- 
maturely on  the  last  act.  It  is  nothing  more  than 
candid  to  allow  that  the  audience  was  not  as  quiet 
at  the  close  as  in  the  earlier  scenes  of  the  drama. 
We  had  no  kick  coming,  however,  as  the  gross 
receipts  footed  up  seventeen  dollars  and  fifty  cents. 

"We  struck  tent  without  much  delay  and  man- 
aged to  get  our  traps  together.  We  were  about  to 
carry  them  down  to  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean  when 
Smith,  the  property  man,  approached  me  with  the 
information  that  there  was  a  man  looking  for  me 
who  intimated  that  he  was  going  to  levy  on  our 
props.  'What's  up?'  I  asked. 

"  'Don't  know,'  answered  Smith,  'but  I  think 
you  had  better  see  him  yourself.' 

"I  did,  and  it  proved  to  be  the  sheriff,  or  some 
fellow  of  that  persuasion.  He  came  to  make  it 
warm  for  us  because,  forsooth,  we  showed  with- 
out a  license.  And  this,  mind  you,  in  what  we  re- 
gard as  a  free  country.  Ye  gods !  Well,  be  that 
as  it  may,  you  can  readily  see  we  were  in  a  bad  box, 
and  how  to  get  out  of  it  was  the  perplexing  prob- 
lem that  confronted  me. 


1 6  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"I  claimed  ignorance  of  the  law,  but  it  was  no 
go.  I  then  attempted  a  bluff  game,  but  it  wouldn't 
work  for  a  cent.  I  tried  him  on  all  the  points  of 
the  compass  of  strategem,  but  he  was  a  Staten 
Islander,  and  I  failed  satisfactorily  to  inoculate 
him  with  my  histrionic  eloquence.  The  members 
of  the  company,  however,  were  not  wasting  time 
and  were  getting  the  things  down  to  the  dock, 
only  a  short  distance  off. 

"Finally,  as  if  inspired,  I  suggested  to  the  offi- 
cial that  we  drop  over  the  way,  to  Clausen's,  and 
talk  the  matter  over.  I  was  thirsty,  and  I  had  an 
instinctive  idea  that  my  political  friend  also  was. 
He  hesitated  a  moment,  and  then  started  across 
with  me.  We  walked  slowly  and  talked  freely. 
At  length  we  got  down  to  hard  pan.  I  was  ready 
to  settle  up  and  pay  the  license  fee,  but  he  wasn't 
ready  to  receive  it.  The  fee,  I  think,  was  five  dol- 
lars, but  he  wanted  something  in  addition  for  his 
trouble.  He  didn't  say  as  much,  but  I  knew  that 
was  what  he  was  hinting  at.  These  politicians  are 
so  modest.  I  know  them  from  past  experience. 

''When  we  reached  Clausen's  we  retired  to  a 
quiet  corner  in  the  back  room  and  continued  our 
conversation.  I  set  up  the  beer,  called  for  the 
cigars,  and  then  motioned  for  another  round.  The 
sheriff  was  quite  agreeable.  Suddenly  it  flashed 
through  my  mind  that  I  did  not  have  one  cent  in 
my  clothes.  Sy  Jones,  whom  we  had  appointed 
treasurer,  had  taken  possession  of  the  gross  re- 
ceipts. I  was  nonplussed  for  the  time  being. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  17 

What  to  do  I  couldn't  tell  for  the  moment,  but  I 
didn't  communicate  that  fact  to  my  official  friend. 
We  had  some  more  refreshments,  and  then  I  ex- 
cused myself  for  a  minute  and  went  out  into  the 
yard  back  of  the  house.  As  fate  would  have  it, 
the  fence  was  not  high.  Without  much  hesitation 
I  took  chances,  sprang  over  it,  and  started  for  the 
water-side  as  quickly  as  my  legs  would  travel. 

"I  knew  exactly  where  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean 
lay.  The  boys  had  worked  like  beavers  in  the 
interim.  They  had  everything  stowed  away  snugly. 
It  did  not  take  me  long  to  get  aboard  with  the  rest 
of  the  boys. 

"  'Get  to  work  and  cast  off  as  quickly  as  you 
can,'  I  whispered,  rather  than  yelled.  It  was  an 
anxious  moment,  I  tell  you,  for  just  at  that  moment 
the  front  door  of  Clausen's  power  house  was 
flung  wide  open  and  loud  and  angry  voices  were 
borne  on  the  night  wind  to  where  we  lay.  'Push 
her  bow  off,  for  the  Lord's  sake !'  I  yelled,  while 
I  was  busily  engaged  in  running  up  the  jib. 

"It  wasn't  then  a  question  of  sheriff  alone. 
Clausen,  the  German  saloon-keeper,  and  his  gang 
were  coming  down  on  us  like  a  pack  of  wolves  on 
a  sheepfold.  Clausen,  naturally  enough,  was  con- 
siderably put  out,  simply  because  I  was  forced 
through  the  contradictory  nature  of  conflicting  cir- 
cumstances to  arbitrarily  stand  him  up  for  the  re- 
freshments and  smokes,  and  he  appeared  desirous 
of  getting  square.  Fortunately  for  us,  the  high 
wind  that  had  threatened  to  blow  over  our  tent 


1 8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

was  off-shore,  and  by  the  time  the  Staten  Islanders 
reached  the  end  of  the  dock  we  had  a  good  breeze 
full  on  the  sails  and  were  laying  our  course  for 
the  hospitable  shore  of  Long  Island. 


CHAPTER  III 

"Come  all  ye  warm-hearted  countrymen,   I  pray  you  will 
draw  near." — OLD  SONG. 

"About  daybreak  we  passed  through  Hell  Gate, 
with  a  kiting  breeze,  and  were  pointing  for  White- 
stone,  where  we  proposed  to  show  the  following 
night.  We  reached  there  some  time  in  the  fore- 
noon. Fancy  our  dismay  when  we  learned  that 
North's  Circus  was  billed  there  the  same  evening. 
North  had  chartered  a  steamer  and  was  bent  on 
precisely  the  same  lay  as  we  were,  with  this  dif- 
ference, that  he  was  more  thoroughly  equipped 
for  the  undertaking.  As  soon  as  we  made  this  un- 
pleasant discovery  our  spirits  fell  to  zero  and  our 
hearts  slipped  into  our  boots.  Some  of  the  peo- 
ple were  so  discouraged  that  they  were  in  favor  of 
giving  up  the  'snap'  there  and  then,  but  the  more 
optimistic  ones  determined  to  stick  it  out,  and  stick 
we  did. 

"Along  in  the  afternoon  we  saw  the  North 
steamer  come  along  with  flags  flying  and  a  band 
playing.  If  we  hadn't  been  -on  professional  busi- 
ness ourselves  we  possibly  might  have  enjoyed  the 
exhibition.  We  should  have  left  Whkestione  right 
away,  but  the  wind  had  died  out  and  there  wasn't  a 
capful  of  air  stirring.  Some  of  the  members  of 
the  company  expressed  a  desire  to  go  ashore,  but 

19 


20  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

I  objected.  I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  start  with 
the  first  breath  of  wind  that  sprang  up.  To  profit- 
ably employ  our  time  we  set  to  work  to  fish  for  our 
supper.  Our  larder  was  not  over  and  above  flush, 
and  a  few  fish  would  prove  quite  acceptable.  Just 
about  sundown  a  breeze  sprang  up,  and  we  took 
advantage  of  it.  We  hoisted  anchor  and  stood  up 
the  Sound  with  every  stitch  of  canvas  set  and 
drawing. 

"I  forget  just  the  name  of  the  next  stopping 
place  we  reached,  but  I  should  judge  it  was  a 
point  opposite,  or  nearly  opposite,  to  Greenwich  or 
Stamford.  We  remained  on  board  until  about  eight 
o'clock  next  morning,  and  then  a  little  party  went 
ashore  to  reconnoiter.  The  town  proper  was  only 
a  short  distance  from  the  little  harbor.  Imagine 
our  feelings  when  we  ascertained  that  North  had 
billed  this  town  also,  and  was  to  show  there  that 
very  night.  This  was  too  much  for  poor,  trusting 
human  nature.  The  opposition  show  itself  we 
wouldn't  have  minded,  but  the  colored  printing, 
streamers,  and  snipes  that  adorned  the  fences, 
barns  and  hen  houses  almost  paralyzed  us. 

"In  sheer  desperation  we  brought  the  tent 
ashore  and  prepared  to  tackle  fate  and  the  opposi- 
tion, and  trust  to  luck.  We  put  out  no  bills,  and 
got  ready  to  make  much  big  noise  of  the  proper 
kind  when  the  opportune  moment  arrived.  We 
hired  a  wagon  from  an  enterprising  farmer  for 
our  band;  then  sent  complimentary  tickets  to  the 
dominie  to  come  to  see  'Uncle  Tom's  Cabin,'  for 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  21 

the  familiar  old  drama,  notwithstanding  the  wear 
and  tear  of  many  years  of  barn-storming,  is  still 
regarded  as  somewhat  of  a  religious  entertain- 
ment. We  toiled  like  beavers  to  work  up  busi- 
ness for  the  night.  The  attraction  pitted  against 
us  was  strong,  but  what  of  that?  Desperation 
gave  us  strength,  and  we  hoped  for  the  best. 

"Along  in  the  afternoon  as  I  was  about  to  board 
the  Gem  I  was  astonished  to  find  no  appearance 
of  the  North  circus  steamer.  It  was  nigh  on  to 
high  water,  a  dead  calm  prevailed,  and  the  atmos- 
phere was  hot  and  misty.  I  thought  little  of  it 
at  the  time,  until  I  reached  the  deck.  I  knew  that, 
allowing  a  fair  margin  for  delay,  a  power  craft 
could  run  up  in  short  order,  and  an  hour  or  so 
would  be  ample  time  to  put  up  the  tent  and  get 
everything  in  readiness  for  the  night's  perform- 
ance. 

"While  I  sat  at  the  head  of  the  companionway 
meditating  over  the  situation  and  drawing  conso- 
lation from  a  bit  of  briarwood,  the  property  man 
hailed  me  from  the  shore.  I  immediately  manned 
the  dingy  and  rowed  for  the  shore  to  ascertain 
what  was  the  matter.  When  I  got  there  he  in- 
formed me  that  some  of  the  inhabitants  from  the 
interior  had  got  in  town  to  see  the  show  and  were 
anxious  to  buy  reserved  seats.  I  inquired  if  he 
had  accommodated  them.  He  told  me  he  had  not 
done  so,  as  he  had  an  idea  that  it  was  the  other 
show  they  were  looking  for.  However,  he  was 
not  certain  on  that  score.  For  the  time  being, 


22  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

fiTfWT^-  I 

however,  he  put  them  off  with  the  explanation  that 
the  ticket  register  was  out  of  order  and  the  tickets 
were  not  yet  ready.  The  family  wagons  and 
carryalls  were  (beginning  to  come  in,  and  by  four 
o'clock  or  thereabouts  the  little  place  presented 
quite  an  animated  appearance.  The  prospects  for 
a  crowd  were  good.  Every  minute  I  expected  to 
hear  the  sound  of  the  steamboat's  whistle  at  the 
point  announcing  her  arrival.  It  was  getting  along 
well  in  the  afternoon  when  the  thought  entered  my 
mind,  'Now,  if  by  any  chance  the  steamer  should 
be  delayed,  what  course  would  I  pursue?' 

"The  more  I  turned  the  subject  over  in  my 
mind  the  stronger  I  became  impressed  with  the 
idea  that  desperate  cases  necessitate  strenuous  rem- 
edies. The  heat  of  the  afternoon  became  oppres- 
sive, -and  the  haze  had  become  a  thick  fog  over  the 
water.  Occasionally  it  would  lift  slightly  and  then 
settle  down  more  dense  than  before.  Five  o'clock 
came,  and  still  no  steamer.  About  ten  minutes 
later  we  heard  a  sound  that  nearly  knocked  me 
out.  It  was  the  steamer  with  the  other  fellow's 
show.  We  heard  the  blow,  but  could  not  get  a 
glimpse  of  the  blowpipe.  We  could  hear,  but 
could  not  see.  We  remained  on  board  some  time, 
and  then  all  hands  went  ashore.  The  fog  still 
hung  over  the  water  and  the  whistle  continued  to 
blow.  We  resolved  to  play  a  desperate  game.  So 
long  as  the  fog  continued  we  were  all  safe,  as  I 
felt  satisfied  the  captain  of  the  steamer  would  not 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  23 

dare  venture  to  run  in  closer  to  the  shore  at  that 
stage  of  the  tide,  especially  in  such  a  fog. 

"We  hurried  up  to  the  tent  and  began  to  sell 
tickets.  Buyers  naturally  made  inquiries,  but  the 
ticket-seller  economized  considerably  on  the  truth 
in  his  answers.  We  paid  the  farmer  for  his  wagon 
that  had  been  used  by  the  band  one  half  in  cash 
and  the  balance  in  passes.  Sharp  at  eight  o'clock 
we  rung  the  curtain  up  to  a  jammed  house  of  the 
most  astonished  countrymen,  women  and  chil- 
dren you  ever  set  eyes  upon.  They  did  not  know 
what  to  make  of  it,  but  they  swallowed  it  all  in  the 
most  good-natured  manner  possible.  We  intro- 
duced bits  of  'The  Old  Homestead,'  The  Two 
Orphans,'  'Rip  Van  Winkle,'  slices  of  Shakes- 
peare, Augustus  Thomas,  George  Ade,  and  other 
great  writers,  so  you  see  we  were  giving  them 
bits  of  the  best  living  and  dead  dramatists.  Our 
native  Shakespeares  do  the  same  thing  nowadays 
in  all  of  their  original  works,  and  that's  no  idle 
fairy  tale.  We  sandwiched  comedy,  drama,  trag- 
edy, and  farce,  and  interlarded  the  mixture  with 
Victor  Herbert  and  Oscar  Hammerstein's  opera 
comique  and  May  Irwin  coon  songs.  Such  a  pres- 
entation of  'Uncle  Tom's  Cabin'  was  never  before 
presented,  and  I  am  free  to  confess  the  chances 
are  never  will  be  again.  We  actually  played  the 
town  on  the  other  fellow's  paper.  It  wasn't  ex- 
actly according  to  Hoyle,  but  then  any  reasonable 
thinking  man  will  concede  that  necessity  knows  no 
law,  and  as  the  country  people  came  to  see  a  show 


24  lA  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

it  would  have  been  a  grievous  sin  to  have  disap- 
pointed them. 

"It  did  not  take  us  long  to  strike  tent  and  hurry 
on  board  when  the  curtain  fell  on  the  last  act. 
By  this  time  the  fog  had  lifted.  As  there  was  a 
breeze  we  made  sail  and  stood  out  for  the  open 
sea.  It  was  near  the  top  of  high  water  as  we 
passed  the  point,  and  there  we  saw  the  steamer 
going  in.  She  had  run  on  a  sandbar  in  the  fog 
and  was  compelled  to  stay  there  for  high  water 
to  get  off.  That's  how  the  other  fellow  got  left 
and  how  we  turned  his  mishap  to  our  advantage." 


CHAPTER  IV 

"Now  would  I  give  a  thousand  furlongs  of  sea  for  an  acre 
of  barren  ground.  .  .  .  The  wills  above  be  done,  but  I 
would  fain  die  a  dry  death." — TEMPEST. 

By  midnight  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean  was  well  out 
in  the  Sound.  A  stiff  breeze  was  now  blowing,  and 
the  little  craft  was  footing  it  at  a  rapid  rate. 
Handy  was  now  in  his  native  element.  He  and 
his  company  felt  that  they  had  turned  a  clever 
trick.  It  was  an  achievement  worthy  of  the  most 
accomplished  barnstormer.  The  idea  of  playing 
the  town  on  the  other  fellow's  paper,  ye  gods!  it 
was  an  accomplishment  to  feel  proud  of;  some- 
thing to  be  stored  away  in  the  memory;  something 
to  be  set  aside  for  future  use  when  nights  were 
long  and  congenial  companions  were  gathered 
about  a  cheerful  fireside  to  listen  to  stories  of 
days  gone  by. 

Supper  disposed  of,  the  company  were  grouped 
together  near  the  companionway  smoking  the 
pipes  of  peace  and  anxious  to  discuss  the  next 
managerial  move.  Handy,  of  course,  was  the 
prime  mover  in  all  things — the  one  man  to  whom 
they  all  looked  to  pilot  them  safely  through  the 
difficulties  they  expected  to  encounter.  So  far 
they  considered  he  had  made  good.  He  appeared 
to  be  in  the  best  of  spirits.  Seated  on  an  up- 

25 


26  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

turned  bucket,  drawing  meditatively  on  his  well- 
seasoned  briarwood,  he  looked  a  perfect  picture 
of  content.  Not  so,  however,  the  "little  'un,"  as 
the  boys  playfully  addressed  the  dwarf.  The 
motion  of  the  vessel  did  not  harmonize  with 
peculiarities  of  his  interior  arrangements,  and  un- 
less the  Gem  stopped  rolling  and  pitching  there 
was  evidently  trouble  ahead.  Matters  were  ap- 
proaching a  crisis  with  him.  He  had  little  or 
nothing  to  say.  In  fact,  he  was  doing  his  best,  as 
he  afterwards  admitted,  to  keep  his  spirits  up 
while  he  manfully  struggled  to  keep  material  mat- 
ter down. 

"Is  it  always  as  rough  as  this,  Handy?"  he 
asked  in  a  plaintive  voice. 

"Rough  as  this,  eh,  my  bold  buccaneer,"  re- 
sponded Handy,  cheerily;  "rough  as  this?  Why, 
there's  scarcely  a  whitecap  on  the  water.  You 
ain't  going  to  be  seasick,  are  you?  Well,  at  any 
rate,  if  you  are,  possibly  it  may  be  all  for  the  best. 
'Twill  make  a  new  man  of  you." 

"Maybe  he  don't  want  to  be  made  a  new  man 
of,"  suggested  the  low  comedy  man. 

"Oh,  cork  up  and  give  us  a  rest,"  appealed  the 
Little  'Un,  somewhat  testily.  "I'm  all  right,  only 
I  don't  relish  the  confounded  motion  of  the  craft. 
First  she  rocks  one  way,  then  another,  and  then 
again  she  seems  to  have  the  fidgets,  and  pitches 
in  fits  and  starts.  I  don't  see  any  sense  in  it. 
Steamboats  don't  cut  up  such  capers,  at  least,  none 
of  those  that  I've  had  any  experience  with." 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  27 

"Brace  up,  my  hearty,"  said  Handy,  removing 
the  briarwood  from  his  lips.  "Brace  up.  You'll 
feel  all  right  anon." 

"Anon  isn't  half  bad,"  again  jocularly  inter- 
posed the  comedy  gentleman. 

The  wind  was  gradually  freshening.  There 
was  by  this  time  quite  a  sea  on,  and  the  Little  'Un 
was  beginning  to  succumb  to  the  influence  of  pre- 
vailing conditions.  A  sudden  gust  struck  the  Gem, 
and,  yielding  to  it,  the  group  that  was  sitting  so 
contentedly  a  few  seconds  before  about  the  com- 
panionway  went  rolling  in  a  heap  down  to  leeward 
in  the  cockpit.  This  was  altogether  too  much 
for  the  Little  'Un.  He  picked  himself  together 
as  well  as  he  could,  and  doubled  over  the  rail, 
Handy  holding  on  to  his  extremities.  It  was  a 
trying  scene  for  a  time,  and  Handy  had  the  worst 
of  it. 

"Steady  there,  now,  old  fellow,  you'll  feel  all 
serene  when  you  give  up.  There's  no  danger." 

A  minute  or  so  later  the  poor  little  chap  was 
taken  from  the  rail  as  limp  as  a  wet  rag,  and  was 
stretched  out  on  the  deck  with  a  coil  of  rope  for 
a  pillow. 

"When  you  get  me  on  a  snap  of  this  kind 
again,"  he  began  in  a  feeble  voice,  after  he  had 
somewhat  recovered,  "you  just  let  me  know.  No 
more  water  adventures  for  me.  I  know  when  I 
have  had  enough.  Dry  land  for  mine  hereafter." 

Handy  endeavored  to  console  and  cheer  him 
up,  but  in  vain.  The  poor  sufferer  was  com- 


28  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

pletely  used  up.  He  had  yielded  his  gross  re- 
ceipts to  Neptune,  and  would,  at  that  particular 
moment,  have  mortgaged  his  prospects  in  the 
future  to  have  been  able  to  set  foot  on  terra 
firma.  With  some  little  difficulty  Handy  and  one 
of  the  crew  succeeded  in  getting  him  below  and 
stowed  him  away  in  a  bunk. 

The  wind  increased  during  the  night,  and  by 
two  in  the  morning  it  was  blowing  a  half-gale. 
The  Gem  was  trimmed  down  to  close  reefs,  and 
all  but  the  crew  and  Handy  had  turned  in — but 
not  to  sleep.  Handy,  who  was  an  experienced 
sailor,  remained  on  deck  all  night.  He  was  never 
away  from  his  post.  He  was  as  good  a  sailor  as 
he  was  bad  as  a  financier.  This  speaks  volumes 
for  his  abilities  as  a  mariner. 

The  night  passed  over  without  mishap,  and 
shortly  before  sunrise  the  wind  gave  evidence  of 
going  down.  There  was,  however,  a  high  sea 
running,  and  though  the  little  craft  behaved  nobly 
and  was  skillfully  handled,  yet  to  men  unaccus- 
tomed to  go  down  to  the  sea  in  ships  calmer 
weather  would  have  been  acceptable.  Daylight 
dawned  at  last.  Later  the  sun  made  his  appear- 
ance, red  and  fiery,  looking  as  if  annoyed  at  the 
capers  old  Boreas  had  been  cutting  up  during 
the  night.  The  wind  went  down  as  the  sun  rose 
higher,  and  long  before  noon  all  was  calm  and 
peaceful.  The  spirits  of  the  company  were  re- 
stored. As  the  morning  passed  jokes  and  merri- 
ment helped  to  dispel  the  unpleasant  experiences 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  29 

of  the  storm  of  the  previous  night.  Handy's 
good  humor  was  particularly  conspicuous,  as  he 
had  a  cheerful  word  for  all.  His  spirits  were  as 
buoyant  as  the  craft  that  bore  his  troupers. 

At  breakfast — or  after  breakfast,  rather — the 
momentous  question  rose  as  to  where  the  next 
stand  should  be  made.  The  company  had  already 
tested  its  ability  as  well  as  the  forbearance  of 
two  audiences,  and  financially,  if  not  artistically, 
came  out  fairly  well.  It  is  only  fair  to  admit, 
however,  not  one  individual  member  of  the  troupe 
made  what  is  designated  as  a  personal  success. 
There  was  now  money  in  the  treasury,  and  plenty 
of  confidence  to  go  with  it.  The  consensus  of 
opinion,  however,  appeared  to  be  that  "Uncle 
Tom's  Cabin"  was  a  little  too  risky  to  repeat. 
It  was  admitted  that  Eva  was  not  what  might  be 
described  as  a  howling  success.  Moreover,  the 
boxes  that  did  duty  for  ice  floes  were  fortunately, 
or  unfortunately,  left  behind  on  the  golden  sands 
of  Long  Island.  In  addition  to  that,  the  artist 
who  performed  the  dog  act  and  who  as  a  barker 
in  Coney  Island  might  'be  considered  clever  in  a 
way  was  now  as  hoarse  as  a  second-hand  trom- 
bone from  a  third-rate  pawnshop  let  out  for  hire 
to  a  broken-down  German  band.  An  hundred  and 
one  difficulties  were  interposed  against  the  further 
presentation  of  the  well-worn  old  drama.  It  was 
finally  decided  that  Uncle  Tom  should  be  relieved 
from  duty,  for  the  present  at  least,  and  the  play 
and  the  public  given  a  rest. 


CHAPTER  V 

"I  would  rather  live  in  Bohemia  than  in  any  other  land." — 
JOHN  BOYLE  O'REILLY. 

The  main  point  to  be  decided  was  the  selection 
of  the  town  in  which  the  next  exhibition  should 
be  made.  Various  places  were  named,  their  re- 
sources summed  up,  and  the  peculiarities  of  the 
inhabitants  canvassed.  None  of  them  seemed  to 
the  assembled  wisdom  of  the  company  to  fill  the 
bill.  Handy  apparently  appeared  to  take  slight 
interest  in  the  deliberations,  but  his  active  brain, 
notwithstanding,  was  at  work.  He  was  consider- 
ing the  situation,  and  quietly  letting  his  compan- 
ions ventilate  their  views  before  offering  his.  At 
length  the  exchange  of  opinions  reached  the  stage 
when  the  sage  deemed  it  was  proper  to  speak. 

"Eureka!"  he  exclaimed,  "I  have  it." 

"Suffer  us  not  to  remain  in  ignorance,"  urged 
the  comedian.  "Do  not  dissemble — enlighten  us." 

"Newport!" 

"Newport!"  they  all  repeated  in  surprise. 

"Newport!"  Handy  replied  calmly,  and  the 
company  looked  at  each  other  and  then  turned 
their  gaze  on  Handy. 

"He's  off  his  base,"  said  the  dwarf.  "Why,  we 
wouldn't  take  in  money  enough  to  pay  for  the 
lights.  Newport!  Great  Cesar's  ghost!" 

30 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  31 

"We'll  never  get  out  of  the  place  alive,"  vol- 
unteered the  dog-man. 

Handy  merely  smiled  as  he  listened  to  his  com- 
panions' objections,  but  he  was  firm  in  his  resolve 
to  have  his  way. 

"Newport,  my  friends,"  began  Handy,  com- 
placently, "is  our  mutton;  and  when  I  explain  my 
reason  for  the  selection  I  think  you  will  concede 
the  wisdom  of  my  choice.  Society,  or  the  blue 
blood  of  the  country,  as  it  is  regarded  by  some, 
make  annual  visits  about  this  time  to  Newport,  to 
enjoy  themselves  and  to  be  amused  and  enter- 
tained. We  can  give  them  an  entertainment  such 
as  they  have  never  seen  before,  and  possibly  may 
never  see  again.  However,  you  never  can  tell. 
Anything  and  everything  in  the  way  of  novelty  goes 
with  them.  It  matters  not  what  it  may  be  so  long 
as  it  is  odd,  new,  or  novel.  Remember,  we  live  in 
a  changeable,  hustling,  ragtime  age.  Coon  songs 
are  almost  as  popular  with  the  best  of  them  as 
grand  opera,  and  more  readily  appreciated.  If 
we  don't  surprise  and  amuse  them  I  shall  be  very 
much  disappointed.  A  tent  show  in  staid,  fash- 
ionable old  Newport  is  un  unheard-of  undertak- 
ing, and  we  will  have  the  honor,  and,  I  may  add, 
the  profit  of  inaugurating  the  fashion.  There's 
the  rub.  The  very  novelty  and  the  boldness  of  the 
undertaking  cannot,  in  my  humble  judgment,  fail 
to  appeal  to  these  pleasure-seekers.  Of  course,  we 
can  hardly  expect  them  to  invite  us  to  remain  for 
the  rest  of  the  season.  But  let  that  pass.  That's 


32  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

another  consideration.  It  is  a  one  night  only 
racket,  and  trust  me  we'll  do  business.  When 
they  will  have  the — the  a — well,  call  it  pleasure 
of  listening  to  that  strenuous  band  of  ours  on 
parade,  it  will  be  the  talk  of  the  town.  Mark 
what  I  say,"  and  Handy  smiled. 

"Good  heavens,  Handy,  old  man!"  exclaimed 
the  Little  'Un  tremulously,  "you  are  not  going 
to  let  that  band  loose  on  the  unsuspecting  in- 
habitants, are  you?" 

"Such  is  my  fell  purpose,"  he  replied. 

"Is  there  a  police  force  there?"  queried  the 
comedian;  "for  if  there  be  you  can  hand  me  my 
divvy  right  now.  Tie  the  Gem  up  to  the  first  rock 
we  come  to  and  put  me  ashore.  No  Newport  for 
mine,  thank  you." 

"Say,  what  is  the  matter  with  all  of  you?  Does 
the  name  of  Newport  faze  you?  Don't  you  know 
that  human  nature  is  the  same  the  world  over  in 
all  time  and  in  all  places,  and  that  the  venture- 
some fellow  appeals  to  all  classes — rich  as  well 
as  poor?  Let  me  tell  you,  boys,  if  you  will  stand 
by  me  in  this  deal  I'll  pull  you  through  all  right. 
Besides,  the  success  of  .our  Newport  date — and  in 
the  .height  of  the  season,  too — will  be  something 
to  boast  of  when  we  get  back  to  the  Great  White 
Way.  It  sounds  big — some  style  about  it,  and, 
take  it  from  me,  boys,  style  is  everything  in  our 
profesh  just  now.  You  may  have  no  talent,  and 
not  be  able  to  act  even  a  little  bit,  but  if  you  have 
style  and  cheek  and  put  up  a  good  front  you  can 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  33 

count  on  an  engagement  every  time.  That's  the 
kind  of  stuff  stars  are  made  of  now." 

Handy's  matter-of-fact  argument  was  sufficient. 
He  carried  his  point.  The  company  agreed  to 
do  Newport  and  take  chances.  It  had  previously 
been  decided  to  shelve  "Uncle  Tom's  Cabin."  So 
that  perplexing  matter  was  settled.  The  impor- 
tant consideration,  however,  arose,  what  should 
they  substitute.  A  variety  of  pieces  were  named, 
but  no  decision  was  reached.  Handy's  wonderful 
fertility  of  resource  at  length  came  to  the  rescue 
and  brought  forth,  much  to  the  amazement  of  all, 
"Humpty  Dumpty."  They  had,  it  is  true,  no 
columbine,  but  a  little  thing  like  that  did  not 
trouble  the  irrepressible  Handy. 

"Do  not  the  annals  of  the  American  stage  lay 
bare  the  fact,"  quoth  he,  "that  on  one  occasion  in 
Wallack's  old  theatre,  when  it  was  located  down- 
town .on  Broadway,  near  Broome  Street,  in  New 
York,  during  the  run  of  John  Brougham's  bril- 
liant burlesque,  'Pocahontas,'  with  the  famous 
author  himself  in  the  cast  as  Powhattan,  and 
Charles  Walcot  as  Captain  John  Smith,  the  ex- 
travaganza was  given  for  one  night  only  without 
a  Pocahontas.  And  the  records  say  it  was  the 
most  remarkable  and  amusing  performance  of  its 
entire  run." 

Plays  with  and  without  plots  are  frequently  pre- 
sented nowadays  in  many  of  our  so-called  first- 
class  theatres,  with  players  of  no  experience  and 
little  natural  ability.  The  public  accepts  them  be- 


34  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

cause  they  are  offered  nothing  better.  But  that's 
neither  here  nor  there  at  present.  In  "Humpty 
Dumpty"  they  had  a  good  standard  name.  Just 
old  enough  to  be  new. 

"It  is  true,"  Handy  argued,  "we  have  not  the 
necessary  stage  equipment  for  a  metropolitan  pro- 
duction. The  only  thing  we  have,  for  that  mat- 
ter, is  the  name.  That  is  enough  for  us,  and  we 
are  going  to  do  the  best  we  can  with  it.  Ordinary 
actors,  together  with  all  the  necessary  equipment 
of  props  and  scenery,  might  be  able  to  attempt  a 
presentation  of  the  famous  pantomime,  but  it 
takes  your  strolling  players,  bred  and  brought  up 
in  the  old  stock  school,  to  turn  the  trick  without 
them." 

It  was  a  lazy  day  on  board  the  little  vessel. 
There  was  no  wind.  The  sun  poured  down  his 
rays  so  fiercely  that  it  was  almost  unbearable.  It 
was  a  dead  calm.  All  the  sailing  vessels  within 
sight  were  motionless.  Not  a  sound  disturbed 
the  monotony  of  the  scene,  save  the  distant  beat  of 
the  paddles  or  propellers  of  an  approaching  or 
receding  steamboat.  Newport,  the  gay  world  of 
the  summer  metropolis  of  fashion,  loomed  up  in 
the  distance,  looking  as  beautiful  as  an  alliance 
of  art  with  nature  could  make  a  favored  location. 
This  was  the  Mecca  toward  which  those  on  board 
directed  their  eyes  and  thoughts. 

Evening  came,  and  with  it  a  refreshing  breeze. 
Once  more  the  Gem  was  under  headway,  and 
shortly  after  sundown  the  little  vessel  was  safely 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  35 

in  port,  her  anchor  dropped,  and  the  sails  snugly 
furled.  As  soon  as  everything  was  made  ship- 
shape on  board,  Handy  and  a  member  of  the  com- 
pany rowed  ashore  to  see  how  the  land  lay  from 
a  stroller's  point  of  view  as  well  as  to  select  a  site 
for  the  tent. 


CHAPTER  VI 

"What  strange  things  we  see  and  what  queer  things  we 
do." — 'Tis   ENGLISH,   You   KNOW. 

It  was  the  height  of  the  season.  The  colony 
was  alive  with  the  wealthy  and  fashionable  ones 
of  the  republic.  Thousands  of  bright  lights  shone 
through  the  clearness  of  the  purple  night,  and 
music  filled  the  summer  air  with  melodious  sound. 
Life,  apparently  devoid  of  care,  and  pleasures 
with  youth,  beauty  and  excitement,  were  blended 
in  harmonious  ensemble.  Handy  took  in  the  en- 
tire situation.  He  read,  and  read  correctly,  too, 
the  constituency  to  which  he  was  about  to  appeal. 
An  ordinary  theatrical  company  going  there  and 
hiring  a  hall,  he  concluded,  would  be  nothing  out 
of  the  usual  run,  and  the  chances  are  the  perform- 
ance would  fall  flat,  stale  and  unprofitable.  The 
possibility  for  the  success  of  the  tent,  on  account 
of  its  novelty,  appealed  strongly  to  his  optimistic 
imagination.  He  was  determined  to  carry  the 
place  by  storm.  A  vacant  lot  close  to  one  of  the 
fashionable  drives  was  secured  for  the  scene  of 
the  thespian  operations. 

"Here  pitch  we  our  tent,"  said  Handy,  "and 
don't  you  make  any  bloomin'  error  about  it.  'Tis 
the  boss  place.  Elegant  surroundings;  magnifi- 

36 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  37 

cent  locality,  easy  to  reach,  and  lots  of  room  for 
carriages  to  come  and  gol" 

It  may,  perhaps,  be  as  well  to  mention  that  the 
date  selected  for  the  entertainment  was  Saturday, 
just  two  nights  ahead.  For  that  same  night  a 
grand  operatic  concert  was  announced,  under  the 
patronage  of  an  aspiring  clique,  in  another  part 
of  the  town.  Good  artists,  though  somewhat  an- 
cient, were  billed  to  take  part  in  it.  The  craze 
for  the  antique  then,  as  now,  had  no  such  potency 
as  may  be  positively  relied  upon.  Well-seasoned 
age  has  its  disadvantages.  Fashion  is  ever  capri- 
cious in  the  selection  of  objects  for  its  recognition. 
So  far  as  Handy  was  concerned,  the  operatic  en- 
terprise did  not  in  the  least  disturb  his  mind. 

It  was  rather  late  when  he  got  aboard.  All 
hands,  however,  were  on  the  look-out  for  him, 
anxiously  awaiting  his  return.  He  briefly  summed 
up  the  result  of  his  work  on  shore;  explained 
what  he  purposed  to  do,  and  concluded  by  im- 
pressing upon  the  members  of  his  company  the 
necessity  of  making  all  preparations  with  a  view 
to  rapid  movements  both  before  and  after  the 
performance. 

After  all  the  others  had  turned  in  for  the 
night  Handy  remained  on  deck  cogitating  over  his 
plans  and  perplexing  his  brain  over  approaching 
futurities.  At  length  he  too  stretched  himself  out 
for  sleep.  He  was  up  with  the  sun.  Like  a  cele- 
brated statesman  of  bygone  days,  he  was  going 
to  make  the  greatest  effort  of  his  life. 


3  8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

By  noon  next  day  he  received  from  the  local 
printer  the  proof  sheet  of  a  bill  of  the  play.  It 
was  a  curiosity  in  its  way,  and  a  copy  of  it  may 
interest  the  reader.  It  read  as  follows : 

THE  INDEPENDENT  THEATRE! 

THE  GREATEST  SHOW  OF  ITS  KIND  ON  EARTH  ! 

FUN   UNDER   A   TENT. 

On  this  Saturday  Evening 

Will  be  presented  for  the  first  and  only  occasion, 
Under  the  Distinguished  Patronage  of  Everybody, 
the  Great  Spectacular  and  Classic  Pantomime 

HUMPTY  DUMPTY, 

By  a  company  of  well  trained  star  artists. 

THE  ONLY  SHOW  OF  ITS  QUALITY  IN  EXISTENCE. 

Those  who  see  the  performance  will  never  forget  it. 

SECURE  YOUR  SEATS  EARLY. 

By  special  request  of  a  number  of  distinguished  visitors  the 
performance  will  not  begin  until  8 :30. 
Carriages  may  be  ordered  for  any  hour. 

Box  sheet  ready  at  noon  Saturday,  corner  of  Vanderbilt  and 
Astor  Avenues. 

When  Handy  read  the  programme  to  his  com- 
pany they  were  so  astonished  they  scarcely  knew 
what  to  say.  At  first  they  appeared  to  regard  it 
as  a  joke.  Handy's  manner  betokened  earnest- 
ness. His  companions  thought  it  best  to  with- 
hold their  curiosity  and  await  further  develop- 
ments. Their  manager  they  knew  to  be  a  man  of 
action — a  species  of  Oscar  Hammerstein  in  em- 
bryo, with  a  blending  of  Wilkins  Micawber  and 
Mulberry  Sellers  mixed  in. 

The  company  employed  the  afternoon  in  fold- 
ing circulars  and  programmes.  Handy  himself 
was  deep  in  the  study  of  the  elite  directory,  and 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  39 

under  his  direction  a  large  number  of  envelopes 
were  carefully  addressed.  The  work  went  -on  sys- 
tematically. Night  at  last  arrived,  and  all  hands 
enjoyed  a  respite  from  clerical  labor.  At  nine 
o'clock  the  company  went  ashore,  carrying  with 
them  their  tent,  costumes  and  properties — such 
as  they  were.  It  was  a  busy  night  on  land,  and 
their  strenuous  exertions,  under  the  cover  of  dark- 
ness, accomplished  wonders  under  Handy's  guid- 
ance. It  was  next  door  to  daylight  when  they  got 
back  to  the  ship  to  take  a  rest  before  the  arduous 
work  of  the  eventful  day  began. 

Before  noon  the  canvas  showhouse  on  the  cor- 
ner was  the  principal  subject  of  conversation 
throughout  the  town.  During  the  night  the  stroll- 
ers had  set  up  their  tent,  and  there  was  scarcely 
a  house  in  town  in  which  they  had  not  placed  hand- 
bills and  circulars  announcing  the  coming  perform- 
ance. No  matter  where  an  inhabitant  wandered 
one  of  the  "Humpty  Dumpty"  programmes  was 
sure  to  be  found.  The  people  at  first  glance  re- 
garded the  announcement  with  some  degree  of 
doubt,  but  the  appearance  of  the  tent,  with  the 
flags  flying,  dispelled  that  fear.  The  tent  seemed 
to  have  got  there  by  magic.  Like  the  palace  of 
Aladdin,  it  had  sprung  into  existence  during  the 
night.  Its  appearance  excited  curiosity  and  pro- 
voked gossip,  and  the  announcement  of  "Humpty 
Dumpty"  was  a  puzzle.  With  the  most  unpar- 
alleled nerve  messenger  boys  were  dispatched  to 
the  fashionable  cottages  with  circulars  soliciting 


40  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

patronage  and  inviting  attendance,  and  a  consid- 
erable number  of  the  cottagers,  attracted  by  the 
novelty  of  the  undertaking,  concluded  it  would  be 
a  good  joke  to  go  to  see  the  extraordinary  show. 

"We'll  paralyze  'em,"  said  Handy  to  his  fellow- 
players,  as  they  were  grouped  together  on  the 
stage  preparing  red  lights,  which  he  proposed  to 
use  as  a  species  of  illumination.  "Wait  until  I  let 
the  band  loose  in  the  streets,  and  if  it  don't  fetch 
'em,  well,  I'll  quit  the  business." 

"Handy,  methinks  we  made  a  bloomin'  blun- 
der," remarked  the  Little  'Un.  "We  ought  to 
have  billed  the  town  for  a  week." 

"A  week?"  queried  the  property  man  in  some 
surprise.  "Why  so,  may  I  ask,  my  noble  critic?" 

"Well,  to  be  frank  with  you,  because  if  we  did, 
methinks  after  once  or  twice  having  made  ac- 
quaintance with  our  band,  'tis  dollars  to  dough- 
nuts they  would  have  substantially  staked  us  to 
leave  town." 

Handy  looked  at  the  speaker  with  a  glance  of 
mingled  cynicism  and  humor,  and  turning  to  the 
treasurer  inquired,  "How  is  the  advance  sale?" 

"Ninety-seven  and  a  half  dollars,"  replied  the 
secretary  of  the  treasury. 

"Good  enough!  We're  away  ahead  of  ex- 
penses now." 

At  eight  o'clock  there  was  some  excitement 
noticeable  down  near  the  water  convenient  to  one 
of  the  avenues.  A  few  minutes  later  and  the  band, 
led  by  Handy,  came  forth.  As  the  musicians 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  41 

marched  the  crowd  increased.  Up  the  principal 
street  the  strollers  paraded,  preceded  and  accom- 
panied by  a  crowd  of  urchins  and  curiosity  seek- 
ers. People  came  to  the  doors  to  look  and  hear, 
and  many  windows  had  their  occupants.  The 
streets  were  crowded,  and  by  the  time  the  band 
reached  the  tent  it  was  fairly  well  filled.  It 
might  be  as  well  to  say  that  the  majority  of  those 
who  went  to  witness  "Humpty  Dumpty"  did  so 
for  the  pure  fun  of  the  thing,  and  determined  to 
have  the  lark  out.  There  was  no  orchestra,  for 
the  orchestra  was  the  band,  and  the  band  had  to 
do  the  acting. 

The  curtain  went  up  somewhere  about  the  hour 
announced.  Had  poor  dead  and  gone  G.  L.  Fox, 
the  original  Humpty,  and  the  greatest  panto- 
mimist  of  the  American  stage,  been  living  and 
among  the  audience,  he  could  not  have  failed  to 
enjoy  the  performance.  It  is  impossible  to  de- 
scribe it  in  detail. 

After  a  brief  period  the  most  friendly  relations 
were  established  between  the  people  before  and 
beyond  the  footlights.  Remarks  full  of  fun  and 
humor  were  freely  exchanged.  Handy  played 
Humpty,  and  introduced  by  way  of  variety  a 
breakdown  that,  in  the  manipulation  of  his  legs, 
would  have  made  Francis  Wilson  grow  green  with 
envy.  Smith  was  the  Pantaloon,  and  obligingly 
entertained  the  audience,  by  special  request,  with 
the  song  of  "Mr.  Dooley,"  in  the  chorus  of  which 
the  audience  joined  with  vigor.  The  song  is  not 


42  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

new,  but  Smith's  particular  version,  as  well  as 
his  vocal  rendition,  was.  The  dwarf,  who  posed 
somewhat  as  a  magician  and  sleight-of-hand  man, 
undertook  for  some  reason  or  other  to  attempt  the 
great  Indian  box  trick.  Two  gentlemen  from  the 
audience  were  invited  to  come  on  the  stage  to  tie 
the  performer  with  a  rope.  This  was  a  most  un- 
fortunate move.  Two  well-known  yachtsmen,  and 
good  sailors  to  boot,  saw  the  chance  for  additional 
fun,  and  accepted  the  invitation  with  alacrity. 
They  set  to  work  and  knotted  the  little  man  so 
tightly  that  he  yelled  to  them,  for  heaven's  sake,  to 
let  up.  The  audience  could  restrain  itself  no 
longer  with  laughter.  It  was  plainly  to  be  recog- 
nized that  the  show  was  fast  drawing  to  a  close. 

"Stand  him  on  his  head,"  spoke  some  one  at 
the  rear  of  the  tent. 

"Pass  him  along  this  way,  my  hearties,  and 
we'll  take  a  reef  in  his  dry  goods,"  cried  out 
someone  else. 

"We  won't  do  a  thing  to  him,"  chipped  in  a 
third  humorist  in  the  center  of  the  tent. 

The  tent  was  convulsed  with  laughter  and  mer- 
riment had  full  swing.  It  was  indeed  a  most  re- 
markable performance,  and  the  best  of  good  na- 
ture prevailed.  At  the  moment  when  the  hilarity 
was  at  its  height  a  commotion  was  heard  outside 
of  the  tent.  The  band,  or  a  portion  of  it,  burst 
forth  once  more  in  the  street  with  the  most  dis- 
cordant sounds  mortal  ears  ever  heard.  This 
brought  the  performance  on  the  stage  to  a  close. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  43 

"I  would  never  have  been  able  to  get  them  out 
of  the  tent,"  explained  Handy  afterwards,  "only 
for  my  letting  the  band — that  is,  the  worst  portion 
of  it — loose  on  the  outside." 

To  make  a  long  story  short,  as  the  saying  goes, 
the  poor  players  cleared  over  three  hundred  dol- 
lars by  the  night's  show,  while  the  distinguished 
artists  who  gave  grand  opera  in  homeopathic 
doses  in  another  end  of  the  town  sang  to  almost 
empty  benches.  Handy  told  no  untruth  when  he 
announced  on  the  bills  that  "those  who  witnessed 
the  performance  will  never  forget  it." 

Years  have  rolled  by  since  this  company  of  poor 
strolling  players  attempted  "Humpty  Dumpty"  in 
Newport,  but  the  memory  of  that  night  still  re- 
mains green  in  the  minds  of  many. 


CHAPTER  VII 

"He  employs  his  fancy  in  his  narrative  and  keeps  his  recol- 
lections for  his  wit."— RICHARD  BRINSLEY  SHERIDAN. 

A  more  delightful  morning  than  that  which  fol- 
lowed the  night  of  the  strollers'  eventful  perform- 
ance it  would  be  difficult  to  imagine.  It  was  the 
Sabbath,  and  the  spirit  of  peace  seemed  to  exer- 
cise its  influence  all  around.  The  sun  shone 
brightly;  a  gentle  breeze  diffused  its  cooling  power, 
and  the  surface  of  the  water  was  calm  and  placid. 
The  graceful  yachts  riding  at  anchor  were  decked 
as  daintily  in  their  gay  bunting  as  village  maidens 
celebrating  a  fete.  There  was  little  of  active  life 
afloat  or  ashore.  Those  on  board  the  pleasure 
craft  presented  an  appearance  different  from  that 
which  characterized  their  movements  the  days  pre- 
vious. It  was,  indeed,  a  day  of  rest. 

Among  the  fleet  of  pleasure  craft  lay  the  Gem 
of  the  Ocean.  She  was  not  a  comely  craft;  her 
sides  were  weather-beaten,  and  her  general  ap- 
pearance homely  and  unprepossessing;  but  the 
same  waters  that  bore  the  others  bore  her.  In  her 
homeliness  she  presented  a  strange  contrast  to  her 
surroundings.  In  the  composition  of  those  who 
were  her  occupants  there  was  still  greater  differ- 
ence. The  men  who  trod  the  decks  of  the  yachts 

44 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  45 

were  seekers  after  the  pleasures  of  life,  while 
those  on  board  the  Gem  were  engaged  in  the  hard 
struggle  to  win  bread  for  the  loved  ones  who 
were  miles  and  miles  removed — living  in  want, 
perhaps,  yet  hoping  for  the  best  and  for  what  ex- 
pectancy would  realize.  The  one  set  comprised 
the  lucky  ones  of  fortune — the  butterflies  of  fash- 
ion; the  other  the  strugglers  for  life — the  vaga- 
bonds of  fate.  Yet  these  vagabonds  had  homes 
and  mothers,  wives  and  children,  to  whom  the 
rough,  sun-browned,  coarsely  clad  men  of  the  Gem 
of  the  Ocean  were  their  all,  their  world,  and  on 
the  exertion  of  whose  hands  and  brain  they  de- 
pended for  food,  raiment,  and  shelter.  These 
poor  strolling  players  had  homes, — humble,  it  is 
true, — but  still  they  were  homes,  which  they  loved 
for  the  sake  of  the  dear  ones  harbored  there. 

The  forenoon  was  spent  in  letter  writing.  How 
eagerly  these  letters  were  longed  for  only  those 
who  hungered  for  tidings  from  absent  loved  ones 
can  explain.  There  is  a  magic  influence  in  these 
silent  messengers.  Freighted  with  consolation, 
joy,  or  sorrow,  they  are  anxiously  awaited.  How 
much  happiness  do  they  not  bring  into  a  home 
when  laden  with  words  of  tenderness  and  affec- 
tion !  Home !  ah,  he  is  indeed  no  vagabond  who 
has  a  home,  however  modest,  and  dear  ones  await- 
ing to  welcome  him  when  he  returns,  tired  and 
weary  with  his  struggle  in  the  race  for  advance- 
ment. 

Before  midday  the  occupation  of  the  morning 


46  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

was  completed,  and  after  a  hearty  meal  the  com- 
pany gathered  aft  to  pass  away  the  time  and 
talk  over  the  past  as  well  as  to  ventilate  the  pros- 
pects for  the  future.  They  were  enjoying  one 
day's  rest,  at  least.  Seated  in  the  companion- 
way  was  Handy,  the  high  priest  of  the  little 
organization. 

"Do  you  think,  gentlemen,  on  mature  reconsid- 
eration," began  Handy,  "we  might  take  another 
shy  at  'Uncle  Tom,'  and  do  business?" 

The  subject  was  thrown  out  for  general  discus- 
sion. The  Little  'Un  was  the  first  to  respond. 
He  had  teen  an  Uncle  Tommer  for  years,  and 
his  views  consequently  on  the  matter  were  re- 
garded with  consideration. 

"Gentlemen,"  he  commenced,  "the  'Uncle  Tom' 
times  are  dead  and  gone.  The  play  has  had  its 
day.  To  be  sure,  if  it  was  resurrected  and  put 
on  with  what  might  be  called  an  elaborate  pres- 
entation, with  a  phenomenal  cast,  it  might  catch 
on  for  a  brief  spell.  Of  course,  the  cast  would  be 
an  easy  enough  matter  to  get,  as  casts  go.  Stars 
nowadays,  such  as  they  are — Heaven  save  the 
mark! — are  more  plentiful  than  stock.  But  let 
them  rest  at  that.  I  have  known  the  time  when 
there  were  as  many  as  fifty  Uncle  Tommers  on 
the  road — 'all  doing  well,  if  not  better.  There 
were  no  theatrical  syndicates  in  those  times  to 
limit  the  enterprise  and  energy  of  the  aspiring 
though  poor  and  ambitious  manager.  'Uncle 
Tom'  audiences  were  different  from  those  who  at- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  47 

tended  other  theatrical  snaps.  There  was  so  much 
of  the  religious  faking  mixed  in  with  the  old  piece 
that  it  caught  the  Sunday-go-to-meeting  crowd  and 
drew  them  as  a  molasses  barrel  will  draw  flies. 
That  class  of  people  reasoned  that  'Uncle  Tom1 
wasn't  a  real  theatre  show — it  was  a  moral  show. 
What  fools  we  mortals  be?  Didn't  some  poor 
play  actor  say  that,  or  did  I  think  it  out  myself? 
Well,  no  matter  now.  But  don't  the  newspapers 
tell  us  that  there  was  a  big  bunch  of  people  in 
New  York  City  at  one  time  who  used  to  flock  to 
Barnum's  Museum,  which  stood  opposite  St.  Paul's 
Church,  on  Broadway,  and  how  they'd  scoop  in 
the  show  there  simply  because  old  Barnum  called 
his  theatre  a  lecture-room.  It  was  the  lecture- 
room  racket  that  caught  them.  The  old  show-man 
was  a  cute  one — slick  as  they  made  'em.  When 
the  museum  burned  down,  didn't  he  go  to  work 
and  sell  the  hole  in  the  ground  the  fire  made  to 
James  Gordon  Bennett,  the  elder,  founder  of  The 
Herald,  and  got  the  best  of  the  famous  editor  in 
the  sale  into  the  bargain.  Ah,  those  were  the 
good  old  times!" 

"The  palmy  days  of  the  drama,  I  suppose,"  in- 
terjected  Handy. 

"Palmy  fiddlesticks!"  laughingly  chimed  in  one 
of  the  group. 

"Oh,  joke  as  you  may,  boys,  but  I  am  giving 
you  the  straight  goods,"  continued  the  Little  'Un, 
handing  out  a  little  bit  of  reminiscent  news  of  days 
gone  by  that  will  never  be  duplicated. 


48  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"He's  dead  right.  Speakin'  of  those  days," 
added  Smith,  "I  remember  well  the  times  gone  by 
in  the  old  Bowery  Theatre  on  certain  gay  and  fes- 
tive occasions  to  have  seen  as  many  as  seventeen 
glasses  of  good  old  Monongahela  whisky  set  up 
in  the  green-room  and  not  a  man  took  water  when 
called  upon  to  do  his  duty.  They  have  no  green- 
rooms any  more.  But  let  me  tell  you  that's  where 
the  managers  of  the  present  day  take  their  cues 
from,  for  those  afternperformance  first-night  stage 
suppers  that  are  frequently  given  for  the  enter- 
tainment of  the  principal  players,  a  few  select 
friends,  and  a  big  bunch  of  newspaper  scribes.  On 
the  stage,  mind  you,  not  in  the  greenroom,  for 
the  greenroom  is  now  a  thing  of  the  past." 

"Were  you  in  the  old  Bowery  shop  then?" 
inquired  Handy. 

"Was  I?  What!  Well,  I  should  smile !  You 
know  me.  Say,  you  may  talk  of  the  realistic 
drama  of  these  degenerate  days — why,  they  aren't 
one,  two,  nine  with  the  shows  of  days  gone  by. 
Oh,  you  may  laugh  about  stage  realism  and  chin 
about  real  race-horses  in  racing  scenes,  and  real 
society  women  to  play  real  ladies,  real  burglars  to 
crack  unreal  property  safes,  and  real  prize-fighters 
to  do  their  prize-fighting  fakes,  in  addition  to  at- 
tempting to  act,  but  let  me  tell  you  fellows  that 
the  managers  who  are  gone  never  missed  a  trick 
when  they  had  to  do  a  realistic  stunt." 

"Well,  you  ought  to  know,  Smith,"  said  Handy. 

"Why,  hang  it,  man  alive !  they  did  everything 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  49 

in  the  show  business  as  good  then  as  they  do  now; 
and  what's  more,  they  didn't  have  to  import 
actors  from  abroad  nor  send  over  to  the  other  side 
for  stage  managers  to  teach  the  company  how  to 
act.  Was  I  in  the  old  Bowery  in  them  days?  Was 
I?  Sure,  Mike !  I  went  in  there  as  a  callboy.  Let 
me  see — when?  Oh,  yes,  I  remember.  It  was 
the  season  that  'The  Cataract  of  the  Ganges'  was 
brought  out.  Yes,  sir,  and  they  gave  the  'Cata- 
ract' with  real  water,  too,  and  make  no  bloomin' 
error  about  it  either!" 

"Oh,  come,  come  there,  old  man!  Draw  it 
mild.  Don't  pile  it  on  too  thick,"  interposed  the 
doubting  Thomas  of  the  party  and  the  most  juve- 
nile member  of  the  troupe.  "We  can't  stand  all 
that.  We  are  willing  to  swallow  the  whisky  in 
the  greenroom,  but  water  on  the  stage — oh,  no! 
that's  a  little  too  much  of  a  good  thing.  Why,  my 
gentle  romancer,  the  Croton  water  pipes  weren't 
laid  in  the  city  in  them  days.  Then  how  the  mis- 
chief could  they  give  the  waterfall  scene?  With 
buckets,  tubs,  or  with  a  pump — which?  or  with  all 
three  combined?" 

For  a  moment  the  speaker  was  nonplussed  for 
an  answer.  He  felt  embarrassed,  and  looked  so. 
He  was  about  to  make  reply  when  another  of  the 
company  who,  by  the  way,  was  an  old-timer  like 
himself,  boldly  came  to  the  rescue. 

"He's  right,"  boldly  asserted  the  new  con- 
tributor to  the  conversation,  "dead  right.  I  re- 
member the  stunt  myself." 


5o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

It  may  be  as  well  to  state  that  Smith's  veracity 
about  theatrical  things  in  general  was  not  what  it 
should  be.  His  stories  never  could  keep  compan- 
ionship with  truth.  He  had  so  ingenious  a  man- 
ner of  prevarication  that  he  actually  believed  his 
own  tales.  If  what  Smith  at  odd  times,  when  he 
happened  to  be  in  the  vein,  related  of  himself  was 
true,  then  he  might  be  credited  with  having  acted 
in  nearly  every  city  this  side  of  the  Rockies  and 
have  supported  all  the  great  stars.  He  was  closely 
approaching  his  fiftieth  year,  yet  he  maintained  he 
had  participated  in  the  principal  theatrical  pro- 
ductions of  a  generation  previous,  with  the  most 
reckless  disregard  of  probabilities.  He  seemed 
to  have  no  appreciable  estimate  of  time  or  place 
when  relating  his  marvelous  experiences. 

"Yes,  sirree,"  said  Smith,  "I  can  call  the  turn 
on  that  trick.  Why,  the  thing  is  as  fresh  in  my 
mind  as  if  it  only  happened  last  night.  Maybe 
you  don't  believe  me.  Well,  every  man  is  en- 
titled to  his  own  belief,  but  let  me  explain  how  I 
remember  it  so  well." 

"Fire  away!     We're  all  attention." 

"Well,  it  happened  in  this  way.  I  was  engaged 
in  the  old  National  Theatre  in  Chatham  Street  at 
the  time  when  the  'Cataract'  was  brought  out,  and 
it  made  old  man  Purdy,  the  manager,  so  hoppin' 
mad  to  think  that  his  Bowery  rival  should  get  the 
bulge  on  him  with  a  scene  like  the  waterfall  that 
he  determined  to  see  Hamblin  and  go  him  one  bet- 
ter. Now  what  do  you  think  he  did?" 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  51 

"Put  on  the  piece  with  two  cataracts,"  inno- 
cently suggested  Handy. 

"No,  he  didn't  put  on  no  two  cataracts  either," 
replied  Smith,  somewhat  indignantly. 

"Well,  then,  be  good  enough  to  let  us  know 
how  he  got  square." 

"He  went  to  work  and  announced  the  produc- 
tion of  'Ali  Baba  and  the  Forty  Thieves,'  with 
forty  real  thieves  in  the  cast.  How  was  that  for 
enterprise,  eh?" 

"Great!  Were  you  in  the  cast?"  inquired  the 
low  comedy  gentleman. 

"Nit!  I  wasn't  of  age  then.  You  can't  be 
legally  a  criminal  under  age.  Don't  you  know 
there's  a  society  for  the  protection  of  crime?" 

"Excuse  me.  No  reflection,  I  assure  you.  I 
did  not  intend  to  be  personal.  I  was  merely  try- 
ing to  find  out  how  the  old  man  filled  out  his  cast." 

"Well,  my  boy,"  replied  Smith  patronizingly, 
"think  it  over  a  minute,  and  you  will  realize  that 
the  morals  of  the  old  days  were  in  no  respect 
different  from  those  in  which  we  now  live.  Thieves, 
then  as  now,  were  a  drug  in  the  market,  and  the 
City  Hall  stood  precisely  where  it  stands  to-day. 
Thieves  in  those  times  frequently  masqueraded  as 
grafters." 

"Smith,"  said  Handy,  "you  take  the  cake,"  re- 
moving the  briarwood  from  his  mouth  to  knock 
the  ashes  from  the  bowl  preparatory  to  loading 
up  for  a  fresh  pull  at  the  weed. 

It  was  in  this  harmless  manner  the  afternoon 


52  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

was  allowed  to  slip  by  in  the  exchange  of  yarns. 
Many  strange  and  comical  experiences  were  re- 
lated by  the  happy-go-lucky  little  group. 

The  shades  of  evening  began  to  fall  before  there 
was  any  perceptible  lull  in  the  gossip.  The  past 
was  being  rehearsed  and  made  food  for  the  pres- 
ent. How  often  do  we  not  recognize  that  men 
live  over  again  their  past  in  recalling  their  experi- 
ences in  the  dead  years  that  have  passed  away  for 
ever!  How  fondly  do  they  revive  old  memories, 
though  many  of  them  perhaps  were  associated 
with  pain  and  sorrow!  The  poor  players  lived 
their  lives  over  again  in  the  stories  they  exchanged 
on  the  deck  of  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean  as  she  lay  at 
anchor  off  Newport  that  peaceful  Sunday  evening. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

"Every  one  shall  offer  according  to  what  he  hath." — DEUT. 

All  hands,  at  Handy's  request,  turned  in  early, 
as  he  was  determined  to  make  an  early  start  down 
the  Sound.  He  had  not  yet  decided  where  his  next 
stand  should  he.  The  selection  lay  between  Ston- 
ington  and  New  London.  If  fortune  continued  to 
favor  him  he  felt  confident  of  accomplishing 
something  worth  seeking  for  in  either  place.  There 
were  certain  reasons,  however,  why  one  of  them 
should  be  steered  clear  of;  but  Handy's  memory 
as  to  names  was  somewhat  vague,  so  he  resolved 
to  sleep  on  the  thought  before  he  determined  on 
his  course. 

Handy  was  the  first  man  up  and  stirring  next 
morning.  The  others,  however,  were  not  far  be- 
hind. The  wind  was  favorable  and  the  indica- 
tions were  all  that  a  sailor  could  wish  for.  After 
a  hearty  breakfast  the  anchor  was  weighed  and 
the  Gem  was  once  more  under  way,  with  all  sails 
set.  The  Little  'Un  was  somewhat  timorous  and 
apprehensive  of  a  repetition  of  the  trouble  that 
overcame  him  the  night  before  they  played  the 
Long  Island  town  on  the  circus  man's  paper,  but 
he  appeared  to  be  satisfied  by  Handy's  assurance 
that  it  never  stormed  on  the  Sound  in  the  daylight. 

53 


54  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

His  looks  indicated  that  he  'had  doubts  as  to  the 
truth  of  the  assurance. 

The  run  down  the  Sound  was  uneventful. 
There  was  no  one  sick  on  board,  and  all  were  in  a 
cheerful  mood  when  they  came  to  anchor  in  the 
Thames  River,  off  New  London,  the  town  in  which 
Handy  finally  determined  next  to  try  his  for- 
tune. The  company  had  been  out  at  this  time 
nearly  two  weeks.  Though  all  its  members  were 
strong  and  hearty,  their  sunburnt  looks  and  some- 
what dilapidated  apparel  did  not  contribute  to 
the  elegance  of  their  personal  appearance.  Most 
of  them  looked  like  well-seasoned  tramps.  Handy 
recognized  this.  He  also  knew  that  though  the 
Nutmeg  State  was  at  that  time  regarded  as  a 
paradise  of  tramps,  the  inhabitants  did  not,  as  a 
rule,  take  kindly  to  the  knights  of  the  road.  This 
may  be  uncharitable  and  unchristianlike,  but  peo- 
ple have  got  to  accept  the  situation  as  they  find  it. 

No  one  went  ashore  until  after  nightfall.  Then 
Handy  and  Smith  made  a  landing  in  the  small 
boat,  and  surveyed  the  situation.  An  available 
vacant  lot  was  picked  out.  Ascertaining  there  was 
to  be  an  agricultural  fair  there  the  following 
Thursday,  that  night  was  selected  for  the  Strollers* 
next  effort.  On  the  prospectors'  return  to  the  ves- 
sel a  council  of  war  was  held,  at  which  the  plan 
of  operations  and  course  of  action  were  freely 
discussed. 

"It  won't  do,"  said  Handy,  "to  try  them  on 
'Uncle  Tom,'  and  I  hardly  think  they'd  stand  for 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  55 

'Humpty  Dumpty'  as  we  give  it.  I've  been  here 
in  the  good  old  summer  days  before  many  a  time 
and  oft,  and  I  am  conversant  with  the  kind  of 
audience  we've  got  to  stack  up  against.  On  ma- 
ture reflection,  I  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
a  variety  or  vaudeville  entertainment  this  trip  will 
be  most  likely  to  appeal  to  their  sensibilities.  Song 
and  dance,  imitations  of  celebrated  histrionic  celeb- 
rities, coon  acts,  legerdemain  exhibitions,  the  fam- 
ous Indian  box  trick,  and " 

"Easy  there,"  interrupted  the  dwarf.  "Who's 
goin'  to  do  the  box  trick?" 

"Why,  you,  of  course,"  replied  Handy. 

"Not  on  your  life.  Count  me  out  on  that  stunt, 
Mister  Manager.  New  London  is  a  seaport  town. 
There  are  vessels  in  port  and  sailors  on  shore.  My 
Newport  experience  has  taught  me  a  lesson.  The 
sailor  men  there  tied  me  up  so  darned  tight  that 
you'll  never  get  me  to  undertake  any  such  job  as 
that  again  within  a  hundred  miles  of  seawater." 

"But " 

"No  buts  about  it.  I  know  when  I've  had 
enough.  Skip  me." 

"Then  I'll  do  the  act  myself,"  retorted  Handy, 
with  a  slight  exhibition  of  feeling. 

"K'rect,  old  man.  You're  welcome  to  the 
stunt.  I  pass  every  time  when  there's  any  rope- 
tying  business  in  a  seawater  town." 

"Smith,  you  can  give  them  a  banjo  solo,  do  a 
clog  dance,  and  afterwards  wrestle  with  your  cele- 
brated imitations  you  know  so  well,  and  do  so 


56  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

badly,  of  John  Drew,  Dave  Warfield,  Nat  Good- 
win, Sarah  Bernhardt,  and  Sir  Henry  Irving." 

"But  I  never  saw  Irving  or  Bernhardt,"  inter- 
posed Smith. 

"Neither  did  the  audience.  What's  the  mat- 
ter with  you?  And  for  a  wind-up  you  can  give 
them  a  stump  speech,  and  I'll  bill  you  as  Lew 
Dockstader,  second.  We  have  got  to  make  up  our 
programme,  please  remember.  If  you  don't  want 
to  take  a  shy  at  Dockstader,  name  someone  else 
equally  prominent.  It's  all  the  same  to  me.  When 
I  do  that  Indian  box  trick  I  propose  to  bill  myself 
as  Hermann  XI.  Darn  it,  man,  we  have  to  have 
names!  This  company,  bear  in  mind,  is  made  up 
of  an  all-star  cast." 

"All  rigkt  then,  say  no  more,"  said  Smith. 

"Say,"  continued  Handy,  addressing  the  ambi- 
tious young  man  of  the  troupe,  "don't  you  think 
you  could  manage  to  take  off  Billy  Crane?  And 
give  them  some  exhibitions  of  his  genius  in  scenes 
from  his  many-sided  repertory,  and  we'll  star  you 
on  the  bills." 

"Excuse  me,"  replied  the  comparatively  juve- 
nile and  promising  artist,  "but  might  I  inquire  who 
is  going  to  look  after  my  wife  and  the  kid  if  that 
New  London  congregation  should  tumble  to  the 
joke?  No,  sir.  Mr.  Crane,  permit  me  to  inform 
you,  is  a  fearless  and  experienced  yachtsman; 
every  hair  in  his  head,  nautically  speaking,  is  a 
rope  yarn.  He  is,  as  well,  a  good  actor,  and  New 
London  is  a  yachting  port.  Not  on  your  life! 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  57 

Billy  Crane  is  too  well  known  here,  so  in  justice 
to  my  physical  welfare  I  must  decline  the  honor 
of  being  so  presented." 

"Well,  gentlemen,"  returned  Handy  somewhat 
dejectedly,  "these  unseasonable,  frivolous,  and  un- 
businesslike objections  are  really  disheartening 
and  unworthy  of  a  conscientious  member  of  the 
histrionic  calling.  Let  me  tell  you  that  you  are 
the  first  actor  I  ever  heard  of  ever  having  de- 
clined the  distinction  of  being  elevated  to  the  posi- 
tion of  a  star.  In  the  words  of  the  immortal 
bard,  'Can  such  things  be  and  overcome  us  like 
a  summer's  dream  without  our  special  wonder?' 
Go  to.  Were  it  not  that  my  hair  is  red  and  I  have 
no  suitable  wig — and  what  would  Sweet  William 
be  without  a  wig? — I'd  do  Crane  myself." 

After  further  discussion  on  minor  details  the 
programme  was  arranged  for  Thursday  night. 
The  next  day  posters  were  in  evidence  all  through 
the  town.  The  fair  grounds  were  literally  strewn 
with  handbills.  Handy  was  a  great  believer  in 
printer's  ink,  and  he  used  his  paper  with  a  lavish 
hand.  The  show  was  announced  for  two  nights — 
Thursday  and  Saturday.  The  variety  entertain- 
ment was  billed  for  Thursday  night,  and  "Pina- 
fore," with  an  all-star  cast,  was  promised  for  Sat- 
urday evening.  The  company  had  no  knowledge 
about  the  "Pinafore"  scheme.  When  Handy  was 
questioned  about  it,  he  satisfied  his  questioners 
with  the  assurance  that  it  was  all  right,  and  he 


5  8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

would  explain  matters  later  on.  His  assurance 
was  sufficient.  The  company  knew  their  man. 

Wednesday  night  the  tent  was  put  up.  That 
day  Handy  succeeded,  for  a  consideration,  in  in- 
ducing the  country  band  that  played  during  the 
day  at  the  fair  to  perform  a  like  office  for  his 
show  at  night,  and  do  the  duty  of  an  orchestra  for 
the  performance. 

The  afternoon  of  the  day  of  the  show  an  un- 
expected storm  loomed  up,  which  threatened  the 
enterprise  with  destruction.  It  seems  that  Handy 
had  visited  New  London  before  with  a  somewhat 
similar  venture,  and  had  been  compelled  by  finan- 
cial circumstances  which  he  was  unable  to  control 
to  depart  the  town  in  a  hurry,  leaving  behind  him 
an  unpaid  printer's  bill.  Now  a  slight  omission  of 
that  character  very  easily  escaped  Handy's  mem- 
ory. The  printer,  on  the  contrary,  being  a  thought- 
ful man,  on  finding  that  Handy  was  the  manager 
of  the  new  all-star  theatrical  outfit,  made  his  ap- 
pearance with  the  sheriff  and  a  writ  of  attachment. 
For  a  time  the  aspect  of  affairs  was  anything  but 
cheering.  The  printer  was  as  mad  as  the  tradi- 
tional hatter.  Fortunately  the  sheriff,  who  was 
an  old  Bowery  man  in  days  past,  and  a  pretty 
decent  and  sympathetic  kind  of  a  fellow,  discov- 
ered in  Handy  an  old  acquaintance,  and  magnani- 
mously came  to  the  rescue  and  volunteered  to  help 
him  out  of  his  difficulties.  The  kind-hearted  offi- 
cial guaranteed  the  payment  of  the  printer's  bill, 
to  be  taken  out  iof  the  first  receipts  that  came  in 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  59 

at  the  box  office.  This  arrangement  being  mutually 
agreed  upon,  the  preliminary  work  progressed 
actively. 

The  night  brought  a  crowd,  composed  mainly  of 
the  country  people  who  had  attended  the  fair.  It 
was  the  biggest,  best  natured,  and  most  easily 
entertained  audience  a  theatrical  company  ever 
played  to.  There  were  more  bucolic  auditors 
gathered  together  in  the  tent  than  the  troupe  had 
seen  previously.  Handy  had  the  country  band 
well  in  hand.  He  made  them  play  down  the  main 
street  and  parade  up  to  the  tent.  Then  he  got 
them  inside  and  astonished  his  auditors  with  such 
a  liberal  manifestation  of  music  that  those  pres- 
ent could  not  well  decide  whether  they  had  come 
to  listen  to  a  concert  or  have  an  opportunity  to  see 
the  real  "theayter"  actors.  Handy  evidently  was 
determined  to  furnish  them  with  music  sufficient  to 
last  them  until  the  next  Fair  day.  The  band  played 
so  long  that  the  town  element  among  the  audience 
became  somewhat  unwelcomely  demonstrative. 

The  curtain  at  last  arose,  and  the  variety  por- 
tion of  the  entertainment  began.  The  tent  was 
well  filled, — the  front  rows  of  seats  being  unpleas- 
antly near  the  stage.  The  minstrel  act  in  the  ffrst 
part  was  something  unique  and  original.  The 
country  people  took  it  seriously,  but  the  town  con- 
tingent, recognizing  the  fake  element,  started  in 
to  indulge  in  guying  the  performers.  This  in- 
censed the  countrymen.  They  had  paid  their  good 
money  to  see  the  show  without  being  subjected  to 


60  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

annoyance  from  the  town  fellows.  One  particu- 
larly strenuous  young  New  London  dude  had  his 
derby  smashed  by  an  excited  rustic  who  deter- 
mined that  his  Phoebe  Ann  should  enjoy  the  en- 
tertainment even  if  he  himself  had  to  make  peace 
by  teaching  the  city  chap  the  way  to  behave  him- 
self and  keep  quiet.  He  evidently  meant  business 
and  apparently  had  many  friends  who  were  not 
only  ready,  but  willing,  to  assist  him. 

All  the  acts  were  short — very  short — and  be- 
tween each  of  the  acts  there  was  more  music  by  the 
band.  At  length  the  performance  was  brought  to 
a  close.  Before  the  curtain  fell  Handy  came  for- 
ward, and,  after  thanking  the  audience  heartily  for 
the  magnificent  attendance  and  generous  support, 
announced  that  on  Saturday  evening  he  would  have 
great  pleasure  in  presenting,  providing  negotia- 
tions in  contemplation  were  perfected,  for  their 
consideration,  the  melodious  and  tuneful  grand 
comic  opera,  "Pinafore,"  in  the  presentation  of 
which  the  company  would  be  reinforced  by  several 
valuable  additions,  who  were  expected  to  arrive 
early  on  Saturday  from  the  Metropolitan  Grand 
Opera  House. 

"Great  Scott — 'Pinafore!'  You  don't  mean  to 
say,"  asked  a  friend  a  short  time  after  hearing  or 
Handy's  moving  adventures  by  land  and  water, 
"you  had  the  nerve  to  attempt  'Pinafore'  with  your 
small  band  of  strolling  players,  eh?" 

"Play  'Pinafore'!"  replied  the  irrepressible 
Handy,  with  a  smile.  "Of  course,  not.  Never 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  61 

intended  to.  You  see  this  was  the  situation;  and 
the  man  who  isn't  equal  to  the  position  in  which  he 
places  himself  is  bound  to  come  out  at  the  wrong 
side  of  the  account  book,  when  he  is  compelled  to 
settle  up.  The  'Pinafore'  announcement  was  for 
the  edification  of  the  New  Londoners.  I  recog- 
nized the  fact  that  the  country  people  in  their  inno- 
cence and  goodness  of  heart  would  take  kindly  to 
the  entertainment  we  had  prepared  for  them,  but 
for  the  town  chaps  it  was  an  altogether  different 
proposition.  When  I  announced  'Pinafore'  I  felt 
satisfied  they  would  defer  their  energies  and  lay 
low  for  the  'Merry,  Merry  Maiden  and  the  Tar,' 
determining  to  have  a  little  fun  of  their  own  kind 
with  us  on  Saturday;  but  after  the  performance  we 
struck  tent  and  by  early  morning  we  were  once 
more  out  on  the  Sound  for  fresh  fields  and  pas- 
tures new." 


CHAPTER  IX 

"One  man  in  his  time  plays  many  parts." — As  You  LIKE  IT. 

If  the  "boys"  of  New  London  looked  forward 
to  having  a  good  old  summer  time  with  Handy 
and  his  all-star  company  the  following  Saturday 
evening,  they  were  wofully  out  in  their  reckoning. 
Though  "Pinafore"  was  announced  with  due  man- 
agerial formality,  perhaps  somewhat  ambiguous, 
for  that  particular  occasion,  when  the  time  for 
presentation  arrived  there  was  not  a  vestige  of 
either  tent  or  performers.  After  the  entertain- 
ment on  the  night  of  the  fair  the  company  went 
aboard  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean.  Handy  alone  re- 
mained ashore.  As  he  had  been  manager,  advance 
and  press  agent,  and  principal  performer,  he  con- 
cluded to  add  another  to  his  many  responsibilities 
and  become  night  watchman.  The  tent,  stage 
properties,  etc.,  had  to  be  guarded,  and  he  under- 
took the  duties  of  guardian. 

"Let  no  one  turn  in  until  I  get  aboard,"  said  he 
to  Smith,  "and  you  row  ashore  in  an  hour's  time. 
Mind,  don't  be  later  than  that,  and  you  needn't  get 
here  sooner.  Tell  the  boys  I  have  some  work  for 
them  to  do  before  they  lay  down  to  rest.  Take  a 
bite  and  a  sup  and  join  me  here  in  an  hour." 

The  two  men  parted;  one  with  his  companions 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  63 

for  the  boat  at  the  end  of  the  pier  and  the  other 
to  play  the  part  of  watchman  over  his  outfit.  A 
few  of  the  town  chaps  lingered  in  the  neighbor- 
hood of  the  tent. 

In  the  country,  as  in  the  city,  it  is  remarkable 
what  a  fascinating  influence  players  exercise  over 
young  fellows  who  are  ambitious  to  be  regarded 
as  the  knowing  ones  regarding  everything  apper- 
taining to  the  playhouse.  How  glibly  the  beard- 
lings  of  the  twenties  or  thereabouts  will  use  the 
names  of  actors  with  whom  perhaps  they  have 
never  exchanged  a  word,  in  the  silly  belief  they 
are  raising  themselves  in  the  estimation  of  their 
auditors.  It  is  an  odd  conceit,  yet  it  prevails  with 
the  would-be  fast  young  men  of  the  present  day. 
To  hear  some  of  these  mollycoddles  prate  one  who 
was  not  acquainted  with  their  weaknesses  would 
imagine  these  chaps  were  on  intimate  terms  with 
players — who,  as  a  rule,  are  slow  to  cultivate  new 
acquaintances,  attend  strictly  to  their  own  business, 
and  do  not  particularly  relish  that  particular  class 
of  hanger-on.  No  man  knew  this  type  better  than 
Handy.  However,  he  never  antagonized  them. 
That  he  considered  would  not  be  wise  policy.  He 
good-naturedly  humored  them  with  much  super- 
ficial gossip  that  really  meant  nothing.  His  good 
nature  never  forsook  him,  and  he  always  had  his 
temper  well  under  control.  He  knew  to  a  nicety 
the  side  his  bread  was  buttered  on.  That  happy- 
go-lucky  disposition  of  his  stood  him  in  good 
stead  many  a  time,  and  his  free-and-easy  manner 


64  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

of  drawing  people  out  frequently  served  as  an 
aid  to  determine  his  future  course  of  action.  The 
limited  exchange  of  conversation  he  had  with  the 
loungers  satisfied  him  that  he  was  right  in  his  esti- 
mate that  there  would  be  a  hot  time  in  the  old 
town  on  Saturday  night  if  he  remained.  Finally 
the  last  dallier  had  his  say,  and,  after  an  exchange 
of  cordial  good  nights,  departed. 

Smith  was  at  this  time  about  due,  and  as  he 
was  noted  for  his  promptitude,  he  was  on  hand 
to  keep  his  date  when  the  hour  expired. 

"What's  the  lay  now,  Handy,  old  man?"  in- 
quired Smith,  as  he  joined  his  manager. 

"Only  this,  and  nothing  more,"  replied  the  vet- 
eran melodramatically.  "There's  blood  upon  the 
face  of  the  moon,  an'  blow  my  buttons,  if  your 
Uncle  Rube  is  going  to  supply  the  gore.  See !" 

The  answer  was  not  altogether  satisfactory, 
and  Smith  apparently  was  unable  to  grapple 
with  the  problem.  It  puzzled  him;  but  then 
Handy  himself  was  at  all  times  more  or  less  of 
a  conundrum  to  him. 

"Now  then,  bear  a  hand,  send  the  boat  back 
and  get  the  company  ashore  as  speedily  as  pos- 
sible. We  have  a  few  good  hours'  work  on  hand 
before  we  turn  in." 

Smith  made  quick  time,  and  it  was  not  long 
before  the  members  of  the  all-star  combination 
began  to  materialize  out  of  the  obscurity  of  the 
night  as  noiselessly  as  shadows. 

"Say,  hoys,"  began  Handy,  in  a  low  tone  of 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  65 

voice  confidentially,  "we  move  to-night,  and  I 
want  you  to  strike  tent,  pack  and  get  everything 
aboard  without  delay.  I'll  explain  all  later  on." 

"Move  to-night!"  repeated  Smith.  "Don't  we 
play  here  Saturday  night?" 

"Nary  a  play,"  responded  the  manager. 

"But  you  announced  'Pinafore'  from  the 
stage!" 

"Of  that  fact  I  am  well  aware,"  replied  Handy, 
"but  don't  you  know  that  'Pinafore'  is  an  opera, 
and  let  me  further  inform  you  that  disappoint- 
ments in  opera  are  quite  the  regular  thing.  In 
fact,  an  impresario  cannot  get  along  legitimately, 
my  boy,  in  grand  opera  or  in  fact  any  old  kind 
of  opera,  without  disappointments  every  now  and 
then.  The  public  expect  operatic  disappoint- 
ments. They  come  naturally,  and  sometimes 
come  as  a  godsend.  You  never  can  tell  when  a 
particular  opera  is  announced  what  you  are  going 
to  get." 

"Then  why  don't  you  substitute  something  in 
place  of  'Pinafore?' "  meekly  suggested  the  Little 
'Un. 

"Pardon  me,  my  unthinking  friend,  but  you 
lose  sight  of  the  fact  that  substitutions  are  al- 
ways unsatisfactory,  if  not  positively  dangerous. 
Besides,  they  are  strong  evidences  of  weakness. 
We  are  nothing  if  not  strong  and  resourceful. 
Suppose  I  substituted  'Faust,'  for  instance,  and 
announced  it  with  Melba  as  Marguerite,  and  sup- 
pose again  that  the  famous  Astralasian  prima 


66  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

donna  caught  'an  attack  of  the  American  grip  that 
same  afternoon,  it  would  hardly  do  to  substitute 
Marie  Cahill  or  May  Irwin  to  take  her  place, 
that  is,  provided  we  could  have  induced  either  of 
those  distinguished  artists  to  become  the  great 
diva's  substitute.  Oh,  no!  'Tis  out  of  the  ques- 
tion. But,  come,  get  a  move  on  you.  Let  us  be 
just  to  a  public  that  has  treated  us  well." 

The  members  of  Handy's  company  were  under 
good  discipline.  They  were  satisfied  that  he  had 
valid  reasons  for  this  sudden  change  of  base,  and 
therefore,  went  cheerfully  to  work.  Handy  him- 
self started  for  the  waterside,  and  after  a  brief 
absence  was  once  more  among  them,  doing  the 
work  of  two  men  and  encouraging  his  compan- 
ions by  energetic  action  iand  example.  Their 
task  was  accomplished  without  the  aid  of  light 
save  that  which  was  afforded  them  by  the  bright 
stars  overhead.  It  was  an  hour  before  dawn 
when  everything  was  placed  on  board  and  the 
tired  strollers  had  gone  below  to  court  the  rest 
and  repose  they  both  longed  for  and  needed. 

"Let  her  swing  out  in  the  stream  away  from 
the  dock,  captain,"  ordered  Handy,  when  they 
were  ready  to  start.  "The  tide  is  nearly  flood  and 
we  can  drop  down  the  river  with  the  first  of  the 
ebb.  We  can  get  outside  early  and  then  deter- 
mine where  next  we'll  make  for." 

"Aye,  aye,  sir,"  replied  the  skipper. 


CHAPTER  X 

"Originality  is   nothing  more  than  judicious   imitation." — 

VOLTAIRE. 

Next  morning  when  the  company  appeared 
they  were  not  a  little  surprised  to  find  themselves 
far  out  to  sea.  The  day  was  bright  and  all  hands 
were  in  a  cheerful  mood.  The  first  question 
asked  of  the  energetic  manager  was  "Where 
next?"  He  turned  toward  the  inquirer  and  re- 
plied he  never  discussed  business  on  an  empty 
stomach  when  he  had  the  opportunity  of  doing 
so  on  a  full  one. 

"Lay  her  course  south  by  east,  cap,"  was  his 
brief  order  to  the  sailing  master.  "Rather  fancy 
we'll  run  in  somewhere  near  Oyster  Bay — where, 
I'll  tell  you  later  on." 

When  breakfast  was  served  ample  justice  was 
done  to  the  repast.  Here,  be  it  said,  the  company 
lived  well.  The  best  the  market  afforded  was  not 
too  good  for  them.  Handy  was  as  capable  a 
judge  of  a  beefsteak  as  any  man  on  the  boards, 
and  he  bought  the  best.  His  companions  knew  it, 
and  were  willing  at  all  times  to  go  with  a  com- 
mission to  the  shop. 

"Were  you  ever  in  the  market,  governor?"  in- 
quired the  Little  'Un  at  the  close  of  the  meal. 

67 


68  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Yss,  sir.  I  have  frequently  been  in  the  mar- 
ket," was  the  prompt  reply,  "but  like  many  other 
willing  and  anxious  individuals  somehow  or  other, 
no  one  ever  reached  my  price." 

"Oh,  I  didn't  mean  that,  old  man.  I  simply 
meant  were  you  ever  employed  in  a  meat  market, 
for  that  was  as  nice  a  piece  of  steak  as  I  ever 
tackled,  it  was  so  tender  and  juicy.  Unless  a 
fellow  was  a  judge  he  never  could  have  picked 
out  such  a  choice  cut." 

"Oh,  I  did  not  quite  comprehend  you !  I  now 
catch  on.  Well,  you  all,  of  course,  know  that  I 
served  in  the  army  and " 

"I  told  you,"  whispered  Smith,  in  a  humorous 
aside,  "he  was  a  butcher." 

"And,  as  I  was  about  to  remark,  I  had  much 
experience  in  the  commissariat  depart " 

"Say,"  interposed  the  Little  'Un,  who  had  fre- 
quently been  an  unwilling  and  tired  listener  to 
very  many  of  Handy's  well-worn  war  stories, 
"are  you  agoing  to  ring  in  a  war  story  on  us, 
oldpard?" 

"Well,  I  was  merely  about  to  explain  that  in 
keeping  with  my  army  experience  that — — " 

"Nuff  sed,"  remarked  the  dwarf,  rising  from 
his  seat.  "Good  morning!" 

"Some  other  morning"  echoed  Smith,  and  he 
too  rose  from  his  seat. 

"Me,  too.  Ta  ta !  Tra  la  la !"  lilted  the  light 
comedy  man,  as  he  pushed  his  empty  plate  to  one 
side,  and  one  by  one  the  remainder  of  the  Pleiades 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  69 

rose  in  solemn  silence  before  Handy  had  time  to 
realize  that  his  war  stories  were  away  below  par 
among  the  members  of  his  company. 

Handy  remained  alone  for  some  time  below, 
probably  turning  over  in  his  mind  the  problem  of 
the  next  venture,  and  then  went  on  deck.  He 
found  his  companions  taking  things  easy  in  free 
and  easy  positions  aft.  It  was  a  forenoon  to 
satisfy  every  desire  of  those  who  love  the  open 
air.  The  wind  was  light — a  nice  sailing  breeze — 
and  the  sun  was  not  too  warm.  Few  words  were 
spoken,  save  inconsequent  remarks  now  and 
then  on  some  passing  sail.  The  monotony  of  the 
situation  was  finally  broken  by  the  manager,  as 
he  proceeded  to  unburden  himself  of  his  inten- 
tions for  the  next  entertainment. 

"Our  next  move  will  be  to  play  Saturday  night, 
that  is,  to-morrow,  in  one  of  these  little  towns 
near  by  on  the  Long  Island  shore,  and  with  that 
performance  bring  our  tour  to  a  close,  return  to 
the  city,  get  a  few  more  good  people  and  lay  out 
a  new  route.  We  have  done  fairly  well,  all  things 
considered,  on  this  trip,  and  we  can  afford  to 
strengthen  our  organization  and  give  the  public 
something  better,  if  not  stronger.  The  pieces 
we  have  been  presenting  are  rather  ancient, — al- 
most too  classic, — though  I  must  admit  we  offered 
them  in  a  somewhat  original  manner.  We  must, 
however,  keep  pace  with  the  times — be  up  to  date. 
The  simple  life  is  all  very  fine  in  books,  but,  my 
friends,  'tis  the  strenuous  life  that  produces  the 


7o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

stuff.  Excuse  slang,  but  it  is  much  employed  now- 
adays, and  vigorous  emphasis  is  used  even  by  the 
most  refined.  If  we  don't  get  new  attractions  I 
am  afraid  we  may  have  to  resort  to  giving  away 
souvenirs.  Souvenirs  have,  in  their  day,  had  all 
the  potency  of  a  bargain  counter  in  a  popular 
department  store  well  advertised.  Personally,  I 
do  not  take  kindly  to  the  souvenir  business.  It 
isn't  professional." 

"That's  all  right,"  conceded  Smith,  "but  an  old 
piece  frequently  becomes  new  when  you  subject 
it  to  unique  treatment.  Now,  for  example,  I  don't 
think  anyone  has  any  kick  coming  at  the  original 
manner  in  which  we  gave  'Uncle  Tom's  Cabin'  and 
'Humpty  Dumpty.'  No  one  ever  saw  them  so 
presented  before.  Of  course,  if  we  had  one  of 
these  modern  Shakespeares,  that  the  commercial 
managers  keep  on  tap,  we  could  have  a  piece 
written  for  us  while  we  were  under  way  to  the 
next  night  stand.  But  that's  out  of  the  question. 
I  would  like,  in  common  with  the  rest  of  the 
push,  to  know  what  is  going  to  be  our  next  offer- 
ing." 

"Let  me  see.  Just  a  moment's  pause,"  replied 
Handy  thoughtfully.  "We  might  do  a  bit  of  a 
tragedy  if  we  had  the  props,  but  we  haven't  got 
them.  Besides,  the  trouble  with  most  tragedies, 
as  a  rule,  is  the  long  cast,  and  in  addition  they 
do  not  give  a  compact  all-star  organization  such 
as  ours  a  chance  to  show  what  we  really  can  do. 
We  gave  them  our  version  of  Uncle  Tom  nearly 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  71 

two  weeks  ago;  and  outside  of  Brooklyn,  I  con- 
scientiously believe  that  once  a  year  is  often 
enough  for  the  remainder  of  Long  Island.  On 
mature  consideration,  therefore,  I  have  come  to 
the  conclusion  that  our  'best  offering  would  be  a 
minstrel  grand  opera  concert  entertainment.  We 
have  made  an  impression  in  that  direction,  and  I 
am  in  favor  of  that  which  will  sustain  the  repu- 
tation we  have  so  admirably  earned." 

"Who's  going  to  sing  the  solos,  old  man?" 
asked  the  Little  'Un.  "You  know,  boss,  the  boys 
ain't  much  on  the  sing.  They  can  work  along  all 
right  with  a  good  strong  chorus  when  they  once 
get  started  and  warmed  up,  but  when  it  comes 
down  to  the  fine  single  throat  work  I  am  afraid 
we'll  get  in  the  soup." 

"He's  dead  right,"  put  in  Smith,  "the  single 
singing — solos,  I  believe  they  call  them — in  the 
first  part  will  be  a  hard  nut  to  crack.  We  can't 
give  a  minstrel  show  without  a  first  part.  They'd 
never  believe  we  were  operatic  minstrels  without 
it,  even  if  we  didn't  black  up." 

"Hold!  Enough!"  cried  Handy,  in  his  favor- 
ite Macbeth  voice.  "You  make  me  a  bit  tired  with 
this  kind  of  baby  talk.  Haven't  you  fellows  got 
common  sense  enough  to  know  that  it  is  not  abso- 
lutely necessary  to  have  a  voice  to  be  a  singer? 
Suppose  a  singer  once  had  a  voice  and  lost  it, 
would  that  be  a  good  and  sufficient  reason  for  him 
or  her  to  get  out  of  the  business?  How  many  of 
them  do  it,  eh?  It  is  just  the  same  with  the  sing- 


72  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

ing  trade  as  it  is  in  our  overcrowded  profession. 
How  many  of  the  so-called  actors  that  inundate 
the  stage  quit  the  boards  when  they  know — if 
they  know  anything — they  have  no  talent  for  it. 
You  fellows  give  me  a  pain.  Voices  and  sing- 
ing! Pshaw!  I'll  fix  all  that !  I'll  give  a  couple 
of  you  good  high-sounding  Eyetalian  names,  and 
I'll  announce  you  as  hailing  from  the  Royal  Im- 
perial Conservatory  of  Stockholm,  and  I'd  like  to 
see  the  Long  Island  jay  that  will  say  you  couldn't 
sing,  even  if  you  had  as  little  music  in  your  voice 
as  the  acrobatic  star  of  a  comic  opera  company." 

"And  now  will  you  be  good?"  playfully  chir- 
ruped in  Smith. 

"Now,  Nibsy,  you  will  have  to  tackle  a  solo; 
and  as  you  are  to  be  announced  as  a  foreigner, 
you  must  treat  your  audience  to  something  dif- 
ferent from  anything  they  have  heard  before. 
As  you  will  sing  it,  of  course,  none  of  those  pres- 
ent, with,  possibly,  the  exceptions  of  a  few,  will 
undertake  to  understand  what  you  are  driving  at. 
A  few  will  pretend  they  do — there  are  know-alls 
in  every  audience ;  the  majority  will  take  their  cue 
from  them,  and  that  will  settle  the  matter." 

"I  tumble.  But  might  I  ask  if  you  have  any 
choice  in  the  operatic  selection." 

"No;  none  in  particular,  only  that  you  must 
avoid  any  of  the  very  familiar  airs  from  'Faust,' 
'Trovatore,'  or  'Lohengrin.'  These  great  works 
have  been  so  hackneyed  by  frequent  repetitions  at 
the  Metropolitan  Opera  House  and  Hammer- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  73 

stein's,  and  Sunday  sacred  concerts,  that  they 
have  been  worn  threadbare  and  become  as  com- 
monplace as  'Mr.  Dooley'  or  'Harrigan.'  Now 
let  me  think.  Ah,  yes!  Have  you  heard  that 
comparatively  new  opera  by  Punch  and  Ella  called 
'Golcondo?'" 

"Search  me.     No." 

"Well,  then,  I  don't  think  the  audience  have 
either,"  replied  Handy,  "so  your  first  solo  will 
be  from  that  delightful  composition!" 

"And  for  the  encore,  what?" 

"The  last  part  over  again,  if  you  can  remem- 
ber it,  and  we'll  help  you  out  in  the  chorus." 

"Say,  can't  you  let  me  know  the  name  I  am  go- 
ing to  honor?  And,  by  the  way,  there's  one  thing 
more  I  wish  to  be  enlightened  on.  Will  it  be 
necessary  for  me  to  speak  with  a  foreign  accent 
before  the  show,  in  case  I  come  across  any  of  the 
inhabitants  of  the  town  before  I  go  on?" 

"Oh,  no!  That  is  not  absolutely  necessary. 
Don't  you  know  that  many  of  the  Eyetalian  opera 
singers  in  these  days  are  Irish,  some  are  English, 
a  big  bunch  are  Dutch,  Poles  or  Scandinavians, 
and  quite  a  sprinkling  of  them  Americans.  No, 
it  isn't  essential  to  use  the  accent  in  private.  You 
will  be  announced  as  Signor  Nibsinsky!" 

"Is  that  an  Eyetalian  name?" 

"Oh,  Nibs,  don't  be  so  specific.  Nibsinsky  is 
as  valid  a  name  as  any  artist  might  select  to  adopt. 
I  give  it  the  Russian  smack  because  of  my  Rus- 
sian proclivities." 


74  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Say  no  more,  old  man.    Let  it  go  at  that." 

"So  far  as  the  chorus  is  concerned,  we  know 
where  we  stand  and  what  we  can  do — and  the 
audience  will  before  the  show  is  over.  As  for 
jokes  and  funny  business — they  are  easy.  But, 
say,  we  ought  to  ring  in  a  couple  of  instrumental 
solos.  The  banjo,  of  course,  will  do  for  one. 
It  is  new,  because  it  is  very  old.  So  that's  all 
right.  For  the  other — now,  let  me  think.  By 
Jove,  I've  struck  it!  Little  'Un,  you  can  do  a 
violin  solo  in  great  shape." 

"What!  Me  do  a  violin  solo,"  answered  the 
dwarf.  "Why,  you  know  very  well  I  can  only 
play  a  little  bit,  and  only  in  an  amateur  way. 
Oh,  no !  Oh,  no !  Not  this  trip." 

"Easy  there,  my  festive  fiddler.  Easy  there, 
and  loan  me  your  ear.  I'll  arrange  that  all  right. 
You  will  be  announced  as  a  pupil  of  the  great 
Ysaye,  and  of  course,  being  a  pupil  of  that  won- 
derful magician  of  the  violin,  you  must  start  in 
with  a  classical  selection  from  one  of  those  old 
masters.  Which  of  them  there's  no  use  wasting  time 
over.  They  won't  be  recognized.  Then  when 
it  comes  for  you  to  get  in  your  classic  work,  all 
you've  got  to  do  is  to  play  as  crazy  as  you  can, 
bend  your  body,  hug  your  fiddle,  make  your  bow 
saw  wood  over  the  strings,  look  at  times  as  if 
you  were  going  into  a  trance  or  a  fit,  do  any 
blame  thing  that  may  appear  eccentric — for  that, 
you  know,  is  one  of  the  characteristics  of  genius 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  75 

and  originality — and  you'll  catch  the  crowd  every 
time." 

"But,  say,  Handy,  what  about  the  wig?" 
"Oh,  that's  all  serene.  We've  got  it.  You 
don't  for  a  moment  imagine  I  would  have  you 
go  on  as  a  star  fiddler  without  a  bushy  head  of 
hair!  Not  much.  As  the  poet  sings — 'There's 
music  in  the  hair.'  " 

"That  settles  it.  My  mind  is  easier  now." 
"But  that's  not  all.  When  you  get  through 
with  your  classical  gymnastics  on  the  instrument, 
I  will  come  down  to  the  front  and  announce  that 
you  will  kindly  give  an  imitation  of  an  amateur 
player  wrestling  with  'Home,  Sweet  Home.' 
There  will  be  your  great  opportunity.  The  worse 
you  play  it  the  more  successful  you  will  be,  for, 
don't  you  see,  you  will  be  closer  to  nature.  I 
think  that  will  be  a  great  stunt.  Don't  you, 
boys?" 

They  all  thought  it  would  be  immense;  at  least, 
so  they  said.  The  Little  'Un  himself  fairly 
chuckled  with  glee  at  the  prospects  of  being  an 
amateur  virtuoso  of  the  fiddle,  even  for  one  night 
only.  The  remainder  of  the  programme  was 
quickly  made  up.  One  or  two  brief  sketches  and 
a  rather  rough  and  tumble  arrangement  for  the 
close,  which  the  enterprising  managers  designated 
as  "The  Strollers'  Melange,"  completed  the 
night's  entertainment. 


CHAPTER  XI 

"All  places  that  the  eye  of  Heaven  visits 
Are  to  the  wise  man  ports  and  happy  havens." 

— RICHARD  II. 

By  midday  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean,  aided  by  a 
favoring  wind,  made  good  time  and  Handy  deter- 
mined to  run  in  to  a  convenient  little  cove  near 
Oyster  Bay.  He  knew  the  locality  and  felt  satis- 
fied that  if  he  had  his  usual  share  of  luck  he  could 
make  good  and  therefore  add  something  to  the 
company's  treasury.  By  one  o'clock  the  anchor 
was  dropped  and  he  and  Smith  made  a  landing 
and  both  started  to  do  the  usual  prospecting. 
They  were  successful  beyond  their  expectations. 
The  little  town  which  they  proposed  to  honor  with 
a  visit  was  not  far  from  the  water.  A  small 
grove  and  a  hill  shut  it  out  from  a  view  of  the 
Sound.  The  main  road  ran  down  to  a  narrow  in- 
let which  served  as  a  kind  of  harbor  for  fishing 
boats,  oyster  sloops  and  clammers.  Handy's 
well-trained  eye  lighted  on  an  eligible  site  for  the 
tent.  It  was  a  nice  level  plot  with  a  fence  about 
it.  A  good-natured  Irishman  named  McGuiness 
owned  the  property,  and  Handy  lost  no  time  in 
opening  negotiations  and  getting  on  his  right  side. 

"An'  yez  want  the  use  of  the  lot  for  a  concert 
minstrel  entertainment?"  inquired  the  proprietor. 

76 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  77 

"Yes,"  replied  Handy,  "and  for  to-morrow 
night." 

"An'  yez  are  going  to  give  the  show  under  the 
cover  of  a  tint?" 

"That's  about  the  size  of  it." 

"Have  yez  got  the  tint?" 

"We  have,  and  the  show  that  goes  with  it,  and 
what's  more,  after  you  have  witnessed  the  per- 
formance you'll  say  it  is  the  best  that  ever  struck 
the  town.  Moreover,  I  want  you  to  bring  your 
whole  family  with  you  and  have  seats  in  the  first 
row  for  all  of  them." 

"Well,"  said  McGuiness,  "I  don't  mind  lettin' 
yez  have  the  use  of  the  lot,  an'  I'll  do  all  I  kin,  in 
a  quiet  way,  to  help  yez  alongr  but  there's  one 
thing  I  want  to  be  afther  tellin'  yez,  an'  it  is  this, 
that  I'm  thinkin'  there  will  be  the  divil  to  pay  whin 
Mr.  Dandelion  finds  out  there's  going  to  be  a  min- 
strel entertainment  here." 

"How's  that?"  inquired  Handy,  "and  who  is 
Mr.  Dandelion?" 

"He's  a  very  dacint  kind  of  man,  as  min  run 
at  present,"  replied  McGuiness,  "even  if  he  is  a 
Methodist  preacher,  but  he  hates  showmin  like 
.snakes.  He  don't  seem  to  want  the  young  people 
to  have  any  fun  or  amusement  at  all,  at  all,  shure. 
That's  why  I'm  afraid  he  will  raise  ould  Harry 
when  he  finds  yez  here.  An'  then  again,  don't 
yez  see,  there's  a  fair  goin'/  on  in  his  church,  an' 
to-morrow  is  to  be  the  big  day,  and  iv  yez  are 
goin'  to  have  your  show  to-morrow  night,  don't 


7 8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

yez  see  he  may  think  you  would  draw  off  some  of 
his  customers?  Well,  I  don't  go  to  his  church, 
God  help  me,  so  yez  kin  have  the  use  of  the 
ground.  But  looka  heer.  Whisper,  if  it's  all  the 
same  to  you,  don't  put  up  the  tint  till  after  night- 
fall. I'll  see  yez  again.  I'm  goin'  home  now," 
and  Mr.  McGuiness  walked  slowly  up  the  road. 

"Smith,  me  boy,"  spoke  Handy,  as  soon  as 
Mr.  McGuiness  was  out  of  hearing,  "we  have 
struck  a  bonanza.  Are  we  in  it?  Well,  this  is 
the  best  ever!  Say,  old  fellow,  when  that  sky- 
pilot  casts  his  eyes  on  that  tent  of  ours  to-morrow 
morning  there  will  be  something  doing  about 
these  diggins,  and  don't  you  forget  it.  Why,  the 
amount  of  advertising  he  will  give  the  show  will 
do  us  more  service  than  if  we  planted  twenty 
acres  of  posters  all  over  the  fences  that  adorn  the 
smiling  landscape  of  this  peaceful  and  prosperous 
community.  Let  us  go  aboard  at  once.  The  main 
biz  is  done.  It's  a  dead  sure  cinch,  Horatio." 

No  move  was  made  on  board  until  ten  o'clock. 
The  place  was  then  as  still  as  a  country  church- 
yard, and  scarcely  a  light  was  to  be  seen  in  any  of 
the  houses  when  Handy  and  his  company  took 
possession  of  the  lot  and  began  the  preliminaries 
for  the  following  day's  operations. 

A  few  hours  of  energetic  work  and  the  tent 
was  set  up,  and  later  on  the  stage  properties, 
costumes  and  musical  instruments  were  all  safely 
lodged  under  the  cover  of  the  canvas.  Two  of 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  79 

the  organization  remained  on  guard  and  the 
others  returned  to  the  Gem. 

The  unexpected  appearance  of  the  tent  next 
morning  took  the  inhabitants  completely  by  sur- 
prise. No  one  could  tell  how  it  got  there.  Like  a 
mushroom  it  came  up  overnight.  The  farm-hands 
on  their  way  to  work  halted  to  look  it  over;  the 
oystermen  and  clammers  on  the  way  to  their  boats 
loitered  near  the  spot  to  inspect  it,  and  by  nine 
o'clock  most  of  the  boys  and  girls  within  a  mile 
of  the  place  spread  the  news  broadcast  that  there 
was  an  actors'  show  in  town.  About  ten  o'clock 
the  news  'had  reached  the  dominie,  and  half  an 
hour  later  he  was  in  consultation  with  the  leading 
lights  of  his  congregation.  The  consensus  of 
views  induced  them  to  call  upon  Mr.  McGuiness. 
The  tent  was  on  his  property,  and  he,  they  con- 
cluded, when  appealed  to  would  no  doubt  order 
the  trespassers  off.  They  considered  it  an  abomi- 
nation, from  their  standpoint,  for  him  to  permit 
show-actors  to  offer  an  entertainment,  and  more 
especially  on  the  last  day  of  the  church  fair,  when 
a  numerous  gathering  was  expected.  A  commit- 
tee was  accordingly  appointed  to  wait  on  Mr. 
McGuiness,  but  unfortunately  that  gentleman  was 
nowhere  to  be  found. 

At  two  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  Handy  gave  a 
free  concert  in  front  of  the  tent.  The  audience, 
it  is  needless  to  say,  was  not  a  critical  one  and 
was  easily  pleased.  When  it  was  over  and  the 
energetic  manager  announced  a  display  of  fire- 


8o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

works  in  the  evening,  both  before  and  after  the 
performance,  there  wasn't  a  youngster  within  the 
sound  of  his  voice  who  did  not  spread  the  cheer- 
ing information  far  and  wide.  Those  who  came 
to  attend  the  fair  in  the  little  church  performed 
that  duty  early  in  the  afternoon  and  afterward  ar- 
ranged to  visit  the  tent  show  of  the  actors  later 
on  in  the  evening.  The  display  of  fireworks  was 
not  what  one  might  expect  to  witness  at  Man- 
hattan Beach  in  the  height  of  the  season,  when 
that  popular  resort  was  swept  by  ocean  breezes 
and  when  the  renowned  Pain  was  there,  but  there 
was  sufficient  red  fire  burned  to  light  up  the  sur- 
rounding country.  There  was  a  crowd  outside 
and  when  the  doors  were  (opened  there  was  a  rush 
for  seats. 

The  house  or  tent  was  filled  in  a  short  time,  and 
the  audience  was  treated  to  a  polyglot  entertain- 
ment of  the  most  remarkable  character.  Nibsin- 
sky's  Eyetalian  selections  were  listened  to  with 
some  degree  of  attention  and  a  considerable  meas- 
ure of  perplexity.  He  could  not  be  considered  a 
success  and  no  inducements  could  compel  him  to 
repeat  the  performance.  But  these  things  will 
occasionally  happen  even  with  some  of  the  latest 
edition  of  stars!  Ysaye's  musical  prodigy  made 
some  extraordinary  exhibitions  with  his  classical 
contortions,  but  his  imitations  of  an  amateur  vio- 
linist with  "Home,  Sweet  Home"  won  the  ap- 
proval of  all  present  and  brought  down  the  house. 
It  was  voted  the  best  thing  of  the  whole  show. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  81 

The  familiar  choruses  too  pleased  the  young  folks, 
so  much  so  that  they  all  joined  in  and  had  a  jolly 
time.  The  grown  people  laughed  heartily  over  all 
the  threadbare  jokes  that  were  given,  and  which 
have  been  passing  current  in  every  minstrel  show 
and  country  circus  from  the  days  of  Dan  Rice 
down  to  Lew  Dockstader. 

"It  was,  I  have  an  idea,  the  worst  show  we 
ever  gave,"  declared  Handy  a  few  days  after 
while  speaking  of  it,  "but  the  people  seemed  to 
like  it.  Just  as  it  is  in  New  York,  it  is  a  difficult 
matter  to  strike  public  taste.  That's  what  makes 
the  manager's  life  like  unto  that  of  a  police- 
man's— not  a  happy  one.  The  people  who  paid 
to  see  the  show  made  no  complaint,  and  I  don't 
think  that  I  should." 

"Do  you  think  the  dominie's  opposition  hurt 
your  entertainment  much?" 

"Hurt  it!  Not  in  the  slightest.  On  the  con- 
trary, I  believe  it  benefited  it.  His  opposition  ad- 
vertised the  entertainment,  and,  by  the  way,  ad- 
vertising is  another  of  these  vexed  problems  most 
difficult  of  solution.  I  felt  I  owed  his  reverence 
something  for  what  he  unintentionally  accom- 
plished in  our  behalf,  so  how  do  you  think  I  got 
square  with  him?" 

"That's  too  much  for  me,  old  chap,"  answered 
his  friend.  "How?" 

"Well,  the  next  day  was  Sunday^  and  before 
we  got  away  I  called  on  Mr.  McGuiness,  to  re- 
turn him  thanks  for  the  way  he  treated  us.  'Mr. 


82  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

McGuiness,'  said  I,  'you  have  been  kind  and  gen- 
erous to  my  little  company  of  players,  who  are  do- 
ing their  best  to  make  an  honest  living  in  their 
own  peculiar  way.  I  now  come  again  to  you  to 
ask  that  you  do  me  one  more  favor.'  'What  is 
it?'  said  he.  'It  is  this,'  said  I.  'Will  you  accom- 
pany me  to  call  on  the  dominie?  He  helped  me 
with  his  opposition  last  night,  and  I  want  to  get 
square  with  him  if  I  can.'  McGuiness  hesitated. 
'Oh,  don't  fear,'  I  assured  him.  'I  mean  no  harm. 
The  fair  at  the  little  church,  I  learned,  was  to 
swell  the  fund  thait's  being  raised  to  help  the 
widow  and  orphan.  I  want  you  to  go  with  me 
to  ask  the  dominie  to  accept  the  offering  of  a  few 
poor  strolling  players  to  increase  the  fund.' 
McGuiness  thrust  his  hand  toward  me,  but  said 
nothing.  I  could  see  he  was  affected,  for  there 
was  a  watery  look  in  his  eyes.  We  walked  to- 
gether in  silence  down  the  road  until  we  reached 
the  little  church." 

"And  the  dominie?" 

"He  met  us  like  a  man.  And  when  I  explained 
my  errand,  and  handed  him  our  little  dole,  and 
turned  as  if  to  leave,  big,  good-hearted  McGuin- 
ess, his  voice  somewhat  affected  by  his  feelings, 
said,  'Howld  on  a  minnit;  I  don't  know,  dominie, 
what  he's  givin'  you,  and  what's  more  I  don't 
care,  but  you  can  count  on  me,  dominie,  for 
double  the  amount.' 

"I  don't  know  when  I  felt  so  happy,  as  I  walked 
down  to  the  shore,  between  the  dominie  and  Me- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  83 

Guiness,  for  I  felt  we  had  done  an  act  that  men 
might  well  feel  an  honest  pride  in,  while  we  made 
two  men  friends  in  that  little  village  who  might 
otherwise  have  remained  estranged." 


CHAPTER  XII 

"There  are  more  things  in  Heaven  and  earth,  Horatio,  than 
are  dreamt  of  in  your  philosophy." — HAMLET. 

The  sun  was  making  a  golden  set  behind  the 
skyscrapers  of  Manhattan  as  the  Gem  of  the 
Ocean  tied  up  to  a  wharf  in  the  East  River.  The 
cruise  was  at  an  end.  Taken  as  a  whole,  the 
venture  had  been  successful.  Those  who  em- 
barked in  it  were  once  more  back  in  sight  of 
the  great  city,  with  lighter  hearts  and  heavier 
pockets  than  when  they  left  not  quite  a  month 
before.  All  had  had  an  agreeable  time,  and, 
what  was  of  more  importance,  a  profitable  ex- 
perience. Anxious  ones  were  awaiting  them. 
The  strolling  players,  contrary  to  the  practice  of 
many  of  their  guild  who  start  out  on  similar 
ventures,  did  not  return  empty-handed.  They  had 
practical  results  to  vouch  for  and  explain  their 
absence.  Their  endeavors  had  not  resulted  in  all 
work  and  no  pay.  If  they  had  anxious  moments 
and  at  times  hard  work,  they  had  their  recom- 
pense and  earned  their  reward,  and  there  were 
homes  in  which  assistance  was  needed.  They  were 
solicitous,  too,  to  hasten  to  the  cherished  ones 
who  were  waiting  to  welcome  them,  for  strange 
as  it  may  appear  to  the  unthinking,  the  -poor 

84 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  85 

players  who  fret  and  strut  their  brief  hours  upon 
the  stage  have  homes — homes  that  they  prize 
beyond  aught  else  and  which  to  many  of  them 
are  perhaps  more  dearly  prized  than  is  the  marble 
palace  by  the  millionaire.  No  one  knew  this  bet- 
ter than  Handy.  He  therefore  lost  no  time  in 
bringing  his  craft  into  port. 

"We  can't  complain,  boys,"  he  exclaimed, 
"after  all  is  said  and  done,  of  our  undertaking. 
Here  we  are  again  under  the  lee  of  the  big  city, 
with  money  in  our  pockets  and  our  homes  close 
at  hand.  You  are  not  sorry  you  took  the  chances," 
he  continued,  as  the  company  gathered  together 
before  separating.  "May  good  fortune  always 
smile  upon  enterprise." 

"Amen!"  responded  Smith,  who  regarded  that 
ejaculation  as  the  proper  climax  to  his  manager's 
peroration. 

In  half  an  'hour  the  company  were  all  ashore, 
each  member  homeward  bound,  and  possibly  turn- 
ing over  in  his  mind  the  many  eventful  episodes 
of  the  trip  preparatory  to  relating  them  to  those 
who  might  question  them  about  the  exploit.  Stories 
of  this  character  lose  nothing  by  repetition. 

Handy  and  his  fellow-craftsmen  had  not  been 
home  a  week  when  their  adventures  became  the 
talk  of  the  town,  especially  among  the  theatrical 
fraternity.  As  usual  in  somewhat  similar  cases, 
every  impecunious  player  became  desirous  of  im- 
mediately starting  out  upon  the  uncertain  sea  of 
theatricals.  They  reasoned  that  if  a  man  like 


86  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

Handy  could  succeed,  why  could  not  they  also 
turn  the  trick?  Could  they  not  even  improve  on 
his  tactics?  Of  course  they  could!  Were  they 
not,  they  argued,  better  actors  and  had  they  not 
more  experience  as  managers?  Of  course  they 
were,  and  had!  Where  Handy  had  made  twen- 
ties and  fifties,  might  not  they  pick  up  hundreds? 
Of  course  there  could  be  no  doubt  on  that  score. 
All  this  kind  of  speculation  in  words,  however, 
ended  only  in  talk.  Those  who  indulged  in  it 
were  mere  theorists — not  men  of  action  and  active 
brain  like  the  commander  of  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean 
expedition,  who  put  into  execution  his  plans  after 
he  had  well  considered  them. 

When  the  veteran  made  his  reappearance  on  the 
Rialto  he  looked  as  if  he  might  be  at  peace  with 
all  mankind.  He  had  nothing  worse  than  a  smile, 
even  for  his  enemies.  But  then  his  enemies  were 
few.  His  proverbial  good  humor  and  honesty  of 
purpose  disarmed  the  envious.  The  influence  of 
kindly  smiles  and  generous  impulses  go  further  in 
this  matter-of-fact  world  than  many  people  are 
willing  to  acknowledge.  A  cheerful  and  encour- 
aging word  frequently  helps  in  the  accomplish- 
ment of  a  task  which  without  its  influence  might 
fall  flat.  Handy's  dominant  quality  was  his  uni- 
form good  nature.  He  rarely  looked  on  the  dark 
side  of  life.  He,  no  doubt,  knew  what  it  meant, 
but  he  never  paraded  his  hardships  before  the 
world  or  bored  friends  or  acquaintances  with  the 
hard  luck  of  his  lot.  At  times  he  was  blue — what 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  87 

man  at  odd  times  is  not  so? — but  at  such  periods 
he  veiled  his  heart,  face,  and  feelings  and  drew 
the  sunshine  of  a  smile  between  'his  disappoint- 
ments and  the  outside  world.  With  such  a  dispo- 
sition success,  as  a  rule,  is  but  a  question  of  time. 

When  he  made  his  first  appearance  among  his 
confreres  his  manner  was  a  study.  His  face,  from 
constant  exposure  in  the  sun,  was  bronzed  and 
ruddy  and  his  general  get  up  was  what  his  old 
friend  Smith  pronounced  "regardless."  In  fact, 
Handy  looked  s-o  well  he  scarcely  recognized  him- 
self. He  generally  felt  well,  but  to  look  the  part 
and  feel  it  is  altogether  a  different  proposition. 
His  adventures  with  his  all-star  company  had  been 
so  freely  discussed  in  every  haunt  where  actors 
most  do  congregate  that  inside  of  a  week  after 
the  Pleiades  returned  the  frequenters  of  the  Rialto 
had  the  story  by  heart. 

The  grand  comic  opera  episode  at  Oyster  Bay 
especially  appealed  to  a  number  of  Handy's  ad- 
mirers. There  were  several  who  intimated  that 
he  go  right  in  for  grand  polyglot  opera  and  try 
and  get  hold  of  the  Metropolitan  Opera  House. 
He  smiled  knowingly  at  the  suggestion,  and  fur- 
thermore gave  his  volunteer  advisers  to  under- 
stand that,  in  his  estimation,  that  institutron  was 
under  the  control  of  much  more  accomplished 
fakers  than  his  ambition  aimed  to  reach.  Besides, 
he  reasoned,  he  was  not  the  kind  of  man  to  at- 
tempt to  take  the  bread  and  butter  away  from 
some  other  fellow.  "My  policy,"  said  he,  "is  to 


88  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

live  and  let  live;  and  if  you  cannot  get  enough 
people  with  the  long  green,  as  they  call  it,  to  at 
least  guarantee  the  rent  for  the  sake  of  art,  fash- 
ion, and  display — or  as  the  English  song  puts  it, 
'for  England,  home,  and  booty' — the  next  best 
thing  to  do  is  to  buy,  borrow,  or  beg  a  tent  and 
start  out  and  go  it  alone  in  the  open." 

One  evening  as  Handy  was  on  his  way  home- 
wards he  accidentally  ran  across  a  friend  who, 
as  the  saying  goes,  had  seen  better  days,  and  who 
had  at  various  times  a  widespread  acquaintance 
with  the  ups  and  downs  of  theatrical  life.  This 
man's  name  was  Fogg — Philander  Fogg.  In  his 
way  he  was  as  much  a  character  as  Handy  him- 
self. The  ways  of  each,  though,  were  dissimilar. 
Fogg  was  what  the  Hon.  Bardwell  Slote  would 
designate  as  a  Q  K  (curious  cuss).  He  on  one 
occasion  distinguished  himself  as  an  amateur  actor, 
and  barely  escaped  with  his  life  in  New  Jersey  for 
attempting  to  play  Othello  as  a  professional.  In 
person  he  was  tall,  very  slim,  very  bald,  slightly 
deaf,  and  as  fresh  as  a  daisy.  He  had  a  general 
and  miscellaneous  acquaintance.  His  friends  liked 
him  because  of  his  inability  to  see  a  joke.  The 
consequence  was  they  had  many  amusing  experi- 
ences at  Fogg's  expense.  The  gossip  of  the  stage 
he  cherished  and  cultivated.  This  made  him  a 
favorite  with  a  large  circle  of  female  acquaint- 
ances who  go  in  for  all  that  kind  of  thing.  People 
living,  as  it  were,  on  the  fringe  of  society,  who 
lay  the  flattering  unction  to  their  souls  that  they 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  89 

are  living  in  Bohemia,  and  they  are  never  so  happy 
as  when  they  are  settled  in  the  company  of  some 
pseudo-player  discussing  the  drama  and  ventilat- 
ing the  small  talk  of  the  stage. 

When  Handy  encountered  Fogg  the  latter  ap- 
peared in  a  hurry.  There  was  nothing  new  in 
that,  however.  No  one  who  had  any  acquaint- 
ance with  him  knew  him  to  be  otherwise.  There 
are  such  people  to  be  met  every  day  and  every- 
where. He  was  a  type. 

"The  very  man  I  was  looking  for,"  was  his 
greeting,  on  meeting  Handy.  "I  want  you  to  help 
me  out.  Great  scheme !  I'll  take  you  in.  I'm  in 
a  great  hurry  now  to  keep  an  appointment.  Im- 
portant, very  important!  Where  can  I  meet  you 
to-morrow  forenoon?  How  have  you  been?  Are 
you  up  in  Beausant — no,  Col  Damas,  I  mean? 
Don't  you  do  anything  until  you  see  me !  Can  you 
get  Smith  to " 

"Hold!  Enough!"  interposed  Handy.  "Fogg, 
what  do  you  take  me  for?  A  mind  reader  or  a 
lightning  calculator?  Now,  then,  one  thing  at  a 
time!  What's  up?" 

"I  am  going  to  have  a  testimonial  benefit,  and 
I  want  you  to  manage  the  stage  and  play  a  part. 
Do  you  catch  on?" 

"Business,"  answered  Handy.  "Anything  in  it, 
or  is  it  a  thank-you  job?" 

"Why,  my  boy,  there's  a  cold  five  hundred 
plunks  in  it.  Society  ladies  on  the  committee. 
They  will  dispose  of  the  tickets.  One  of  them 


9o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

wants  to  act.  I've  promised  to  let  her  try  and 
give  her  the  opening.  'The  Lady  of  Lyons'  will 
be  the  play,  and  I  will  be  the  Claude." 

"Well,  Fogg,  may  the  Lord  have  mercy  on 
the  audience — as  well  as  on  Melnotte." 

"Oh,  hold  up,  old  chap.  Don't  be  rough  on  a 
fellow.  You  know  very  well  I  have  played  much 
more  difficult  roles.  Haven't  I  played  Hamlet?" 

"You  have,  indeed,"  answered  Handy,  "and 
played  the  devil  with  him,  too." 

"This  is  positively  rude,"  replied  Fogg,  "and 
only  that  I  am  aware  you  mean  no  real  unkindness 
I  would  feel  very  much  put  out.  I  know  you 
don't  really  mean  it." 

"Of  course  I  don't.  It  was  spoken  in  the  way 
of  fun.  Now,  let  me  know  in  what  way  I  can 
help  you  and  you  can  count  me  in.  Business  is 
business,  old  pal,  and  I  know  you  will  do  the 
square  thing." 

"There's  my  hand  on  it.  Now  I  must  be  -off. 
Meet  me  at  my  apartment  to-morrow  forenoon 
at  eleven  and  we'll  go  over  the  details." 

"Count  on  me.    I  will  be  there.     So  long." 


CHAPTER  XIII 

"Life  is  mostly  froth  and  bubble; 

Two  things  stand  like  stone — 
Kindness   in   another's   trouble 

Courage  in  your  own." — THE  HILL. 

Next  forenoon,  promptly  at  eleven  o'clock, 
Handy  was  at  Fogg's  house.  A  ring  at  the  door- 
bell was  responded  to  by  that  gentleman  in  per- 
son. Half  a  minute  later  both  were  settled  down 
in  Fogg's  Bohemian  quarters,  which  consisted  of 
a  small  reception-room  and  still  smaller  bed- 
chamber. The  reception-room  was  not  luxuri- 
ously furnished,  but  it  was  by  no  means  shabbily 
equipped.  A  piano  stood  in  one  corner,  a  writing- 
desk  placed  close  to  the  window,  and  a  well-used 
Morris  chair  were  the  most  conspicuous  articles  of 
furniture.  Photographs  in  abundance  were  scat- 
tered all  around  on  the  walls,  and  on  a  table  there 
were  enough  old  playbooks  to  make  a  respectable 
showing  in  a  second-hand  book  store.  The  two 
men  had  not  been  seated  more  than  five  minutes 
when  the  bell  at  the  hall  door  was  rung,  and  in 
an  instant  Fogg  was  out  of  his  chair  and  on  his 
feet. 

"What's  the  matter?"  inquired  Handy. 

"I  guess,"  replied  Fogg,  "that's  the  committee. 
They  promised  to  be  here  at  this  hour.  Excuse 

91 


92  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

me  for  a  moment,"  and  before  Handy  could  say 
another  word  Fogg  was  half-way  down  the  first 
flight  of  stairs.  The  noise  of  the  opening  and 
closing  of  the  street  door  was  heard,  and  then  suc- 
ceeded a  buzz  of  female  voices  accompanied  by 
a  patter  of  feet  on  the  stairs.  Before  Handy  had 
time  to  prepare  to  receive  visitors,  the  door 
opened  and  Fogg,  his  face  lighted  up  with  the 
broadest  kind  of  a  smile,  made  his  appearance, 
and  ushered  in  the  committee,  which  consisted  of 
five  blooming  matrons  who  were  instrumental  in 
talking  up  and  arranging  for  the  proposed  com- 
plimentary benefit.  The  ladies  were  not  young; 
in  fact,  it  was  a  long  time  since  they  had  been. 
But  their  hearts  were  juvenile  and  they  them- 
selves were  sympathetic  and  generously  inclined. 
Handy  was  duly  introduced,  and  then  the  female 
philanthropists  and  lovers  of  art  commenced  the 
business  which  brought  them  there,  somewhat  af- 
ter this  fashion : 

"What  a  unique  little  snuggery  you  have  here, 
Mr.  Fogg,"  began  one. 

"It  is  so  artistic,  don't  you  know,  that  it  is  too 
awfully  sweet  for  anything,"  replied  another. 

"Ah!  there's  one  of  the  best  photos  I  have  ever 
seen  of  the  divine  Sarah.  Where  did  you  get  it, 
Mr.  Fogg?"  added  a  third.  "That  one  of  Maude 
Adams  is  fair,  and  that  of  Mrs.  Fiske  there  in 
the  character  of — I  forget  the  name — does  not  do 
her  justice." 

This   medley  of   inconsequential   conversation 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  93 

and  chatter  continued  for  fully  half  an  hour  with- 
out one  word  being  spoken  on  the  all-important 
subject  they  had  presumably  been  brought  to- 
gether to  arrange.  They  touched  on  everything 
theatrical,  according  to  their  lights,  but  that  in 
which  their  friend  was  most  interested.  At  length 
Fogg,  in  sheer  desperation,  broke  the  ice,  and  in  a 
somewhat  hesitating  manner  explained  the  way  in 
which  he  had  induced  his  friend,  Mr.  Handy,  to 
be  present  at  the  conference  and  give  them  the 
benefit  of  his  vast  managerial  experience  and  ac- 
knowledged histrionic  ability  in  arranging  the  pro- 
gramme of  the  proposed  complimentary  testimon- 
ial. Moreover,  Mr.  Handy  had  postponed  an 
important  engagement  in  order  that  he  might  have 
the  honor  of  managing  the  stage  at  the  rehearsals 
as  well  as  on  the  evening  of  the  performance. 

The  ladies  were  in  ecstasies. 

"Oh,  how  charmingly  delightful!"  ejaculated 
the  most  rubicund  of  the  committee.  "And  so  you 
have  finally  determined,  Mr.  Fogg,  on  'The  Lady 
of  Lyons'  for  the  attraction." 

"Yes,  ladies,  I  have.  A  determination  with 
which  I  feel  satisfied  you  all  will  concede.  Re- 
vivals of  well-known  successful  plays  are  rapidly 
coming  into  fashion,  and  it  is  well  to  keep  up  with 
the  progress  of  the  times.  I  might  mention  a 
number  of  old  plays  managers  have  in  comtempla- 
tion,  but  as  Shakespeare  says — I  think  it  was  the 
sweet  Bard  of  Avon  that  so  expressed  himself — 
'Sufficient  for  the  day  is  the  evil  thereof.'  That 


94  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

is  why  I  have  selected  Bulwer's  great  romantic  and 
poetic  masterpiece — 'The  Lady  of  Lyons.'  Be- 
sides, ladies,  bear  in  mind  it  will  afford  Miss  Daisy 
Daffodil  a  magnificent  opportunity  to  appear  as 
Pauline,  a  character,  ladies,  which  has  claimed  the 
histrionic  talents  of  many  of  the  bright  luminaries 
of  the  stage  from  the  days  of  the  glorious  Peg 
Woffington  to  those  of  Leslie  Carter." 

"How  well,  how  touchingly,  Mr.  Fogg  speaks, 
and  what  a  fund  of  valuable  and  truthful  infor- 
mation he  has  entertained  us  with,"  said  Mrs. 
Djoolittle,  the  chairman  of  the  committee.  "A 
better  selection  than  'The  Lady  of  Lyons'  could 
not  have  been  made,  and  what  a  splendid  oppor- 
tunity it  will  be  for  dear  Daisy  to  show  off  that 
light  blue  watered  silk  of  hers.  It  is  so  suitable 
to  her  complexion." 

"Yes,  dear,"  responded  the  lady  sitting  near 
her,  "but  will  it  light  up  well  ?  I  am  given  to  under- 
stand that  the  electric  light  is  most  trying  on  blue. 
Now,  don't  you  think  that " 

"No,  I  do  not,  my  dear.  Pardon  me,  but  I 
know  what  you  were  about  to  say.  You  were 
about  to  remark  that " 

"Ladies,"  said  Mr.  Fogg,  rising  to  the  occasion 
and  in  a  polite  manner,  "will  you  kindly  excuse  me 
when  I  venture  to  suggest  that  the  matter  of  toilet 
is  a  thing  you  can  arrange  between  yourselves  and 
the  fair  young  star,  let  us  proudly  hope,  that  is  to 
be.  But  as  my  friend  here,  Mr.  Handy,  is  a  very 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  95 

busy  man  and  his  time  valuable,  might  I  suggest 
that  we  get  down  to  business?" 

"Quite  right,  Mr.  Fogg,"  one  of  the  ladies  an- 
swered. "Let  us  amuse  ourselves  with  business." 

"How  many  will  the  house  hold,  Mr.  Fogg?" 
inquired  Mrs.  Doolittle,  in  a  rather  authoritative 
manner,  thoroughly  in  keeping  with  her  exalted 
position  as  chairman. 

"About  eleven  hundred,"  said  Fogg. 

"Only  eleven  hundred!"  exclaimed  the  stout 
lady. 

"Altogether  too  small." 

"Certainly  it  is,"  continued  the  weighty  one. 
"The  Metropolitan  Opera  House  should  have 
been  secured." 

"Ladies,"  interposed  Handy,  "excuse  me  for 
buttin'  in,  but  business  is  business,  and  that's  the 
humor  of  it.  Let  me  tell  you,  in  all  frankness, 
that  if  you  can  fill  the  house,  take  my  word  for  it, 
as  a  man  of  some  experience,  you  will  have  reason 
to  congratulate  yourselves  on  a  great  accomplish- 
ment. Bear  in  mind,  ladies,  that  benefits  are  bene- 
fits, and  that  the  theatre-going  public  take  little  or 
no  stock  in  them.  Unless  you  can  rely  on  your 
friends  coming  up  to  the  scratch — pardon  me,  I 
mean  box  office — and  before  the  night  of  the  show, 
mind  you — you  stand  a  good  chance  of  getting  it, 
as  the  poet  touchingly  tells  us — I  don't  know  what 
poet — where  the  chicken  got  the  axe.  Them's  my 
sentiments  1" 

Handy's  review  of  the  situation  and  his  matter- 


96  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

of-fact  way  of  placing  it  before  the  committee 
caused  some  agitation.  At  length  Mrs.  Doolittle 
arose. 

"Let  me  assure  you,  Mr.  Handy,  we  have  hosts 
of  friends,  and  when  they  see  our  names  on  the 
programme  they  will  be  sure  to  come.  Don't  you 
agree  with  me,  ladies?" 

"It  would  be  real  mean  if  they  didn't,"  volun- 
teered the  heavyweight  lady  of  the  committee. 
"But  I  know  they  will." 

"Of  course,  ladies,  you  know  best,"  replied 
Handy,  "but  my  advice  is  sell  all  the  pasteboards 
you  can  before  the  show,  and  don't  depend  any  on 
the  public  the  night  of  the  show,  when  you  intend 
to  pull  The  Lady'  off." 

Handy's  practical  admonitions  and  advice  evi- 
dently were  not  appreciated  in  the  spirit  in  which 
they  were  tendered.  The  ladies'  stay  after  the  epi- 
sode was  not  prolonged.  Mrs.  Chairman  Doo- 
little remembered  she  had  an  engagement  in  the 
shape  of  a  pink  tea,  and  must  speed  homeward  to 
make  a  change  of  dress.  The  remainder  of  the 
committee  considered  that  as  their  cue  for  de- 
parture, not,  however,  without  reassuring  both 
Messrs.  Fogg  and  Handy  that  everything  would 
be  all  right. 

Handy  and  Fogg  were  once  more  alone. 

"Well,"  said  Fogg,  "what  do  you  think  of  it? 
A  great  scheme,  eh?" 

"What's  a  great  scheme?  I  pause  for  a  re- 
ply!" 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  97 

"Why,  the  testimonial  benefit,  of  course!" 

"Say,  Fogg.  Are  you  right  in  your  head?  Is 
your  nut  screwed  on  properly?  Is  this  a  joke? 
The  ladies  are  all  serene  and  mean  well — but  darn 
it,  man  I  you  don't  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  believe 
there's  five  hundred  in  this  snap?" 

"Why,  certainly  I  do,  and  more." 

"Cents." 

"No.    Please  be  serious.    Dollars." 

"Well,  let  us  get  down  to  cases  and  figure  it  out. 
What'll  be  your  expenses?" 

"Oh,  'way  down.  There's  $75  for  the  house, 
dirt  cheap — the  ladies  have  a  pull  with  the  land- 
lord; $65  for  the  orchestra;  stage  hands,  $15;  ad- 
vertising and  printing,  $60;  flowers,  $20;  cos- 
tumes, $11.75;  sundries,  $10.  How  much  is  all 
that?" 

"Let  me  figure  it  up.  Have  you  a  pencil? 
Never  mind,  I  have  one.  Well,  that,  my  friend, 
foots  up  $256. 75." 

"Why,  that  ain't  much." 

"No.  'Tain't  much  for  a  Vanderbilt,  but  then, 
the  Vans'  ancestors  put  in  some  lively  hustling  in 
days  of  yore,  and  the  Vans  of  the  present  day  are 
now  taking  solid  comfort  and  shooting  folly  as  it 
flies  out  of  the  result  of  the  old  Commodore's 
hustling  on  land  and  water.  An'  now  let  me  ask 
you,  have  you  got  the  dough  to  go  on  with  this 
great  scheme  of  yours?" 

"Well,  no,  I  haven't  got  the  dough,  as  you  call 
it,  but  I  have  the  tickets,  and  the  committee  pro- 


98  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

pose  to  sell  them  to  their  numerous  friends.  I  tell 
you  'tis  a  dead-sure  thing." 

"I  notice  in  your  expenses  you  allow  nothing  for 
your  company." 

"The  company  have  all  volunteered.  Most  of 
them  are  amateurs." 

"And  where  does  your  humble  servant  come 
in?" 

"Why,  I  propose  to  make  it  all  right  with  you 
out  of  my  share." 

"Ye  gods  -on  high  Olympus,  look  down  on  us 
in  compassion  and  smile!"  spoke  Handy  in  the 
most  tragic  voice  of  which  he  was  capable  of  em- 
ploying. "Has  it  come  to  pass  that  a  verdant  ex- 
perimentalist like  you,  Fogg,  could  intimate  to  a 
veteran  of  my  standing  that  I  should  take  my 
chances  of  remuneration  from  the  proceeds  of  such 
a  quixotic  scheme?  Go  to,  Fogg!  I  love  thee, 
but  never  more  be  officer  of  mine."  Then  laying 
aside  his  serio-comic  manner  and  assuming  one 
that  more  easily  appertained  to  him,  he  continued : 
"Fogg,  old  pal,  I  told  you  that  you  could  count  on 
me  to  help  you  out,  and  you  can.  I  will  manage 
the  stage,  but  skip  me  on  the  acting.  If  the  stuff 
comes  in,  I  know  you'll  do  the  square  thing.  If 
the  receipts  are  shy,  well  and  good.  You'll  get  left 
as  well  as  I.  Get  the  old  girls  to  sell  all  the  tickets 
they  can — beforehand.  Mind  now,  beforehand. 
Depend  on  nothing  from  the  public  for  a  benefit, 
and  as  for  the  night  sale,  it  won't  amount  to  a 
paper  of  pins.  I've  been  there  before,  old  man, 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  99 

and  I  know  of  what  I  speak.  Let  me  tell  you — 
some  friends  of  mine  once  upon  a  time  got  up  a 
benefit  for  a  widow.  They  gave  a  good  show, 
had  lots  of  fun,  but " 

"But  what?"  inquired  Fogg  anxiously. 

"Oh,  nothing!  Only  they  landed  the  poor 
woman  fifty  dollars  or  so  in  debt.  That's  all." 

"Holy  Moses!"  was  all  the  response  that  Fogg 
could  make;  but  he  evidently  was  doing  a  great 
deal  of  thinking.  In  this  state  of  mind  Handy 
left  him. 


CHAPTER   XIV 

"Nature    hath    fram'd    strange    fellows    in    her    time." — 
MERCHANT  OF  VENICE. 

Within  two  weeks  the  preliminaries  for  the  tes- 
timonial were  arranged,  the  night  appointed,  and 
the  tickets  in  circulation.  The  company,  as  inti- 
mated, was  made  up  principally  of  amateurs.  As 
they  were  to  receive  no  remuneration  for  their 
valuable  services  they  received  about  five  tickets 
each  free  to  sell  or  dispose  of  as  they  would 
among  their  friends.  Through  some  unaccount- 
able oversight,  they  neglected  to  specially  mark  or 
punch  these  complimentaries.  This  oversight  led 
to  serious  embarrassment  subsequently.  The  de- 
mand for  tickets  increased  as  the  date  for  the  per- 
formance approached,  but  none  of  the  applicants 
appeared  anxious  to  part  with  money  in  return 
for  them. 

Strange  as  it  may  appear,  there  is  a  class  of 
people — and  a  very  large  and  numerous  class,  too, 
and  one  not  confined  to  any  particular  locality  or 
special  grade  of  society — that  will  willingly  spend 
double  the  price  of  admission  for  seats  in  one  way 
or  other  for  the  sake  of  having  the  reputation  of 
being  on  the  free  list  of  a  theatre.  This  statement 
is  not  an  exaggerated  one.  Had  Mr.  Fogg  de- 
cided to  manage  the  business  details  of  his  enter- 
100 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  101 

tainment  and  suspended  the  free  list,  as  he  should 
have  done,  he  might  have  fared  better;  but  who 
can  tell  what  the  future  has  in  store  for  any  of 
us? 

It  was  with  considerable  difficulty  the  rent  was 
raised,  and  that  difficulty  being  overcome,  every- 
thing looked  bright  to  the  sanguine  Fogg,  who 
was  really  a  most  optimistic  individual,  and  rarely 
lost  heart. 

At  length  the  night  of  the  great  event  arrived. 
All  day  Fogg  had  been  as  busy  as  a  bee.  He  had 
been  to  see  the  costumer,  perruquier,  leader  of  or- 
chestra, etc.,  and  enjoined  each  of  them  to  be  on 
hand  early.  Handy,  always  prompt  and  business- 
like, was  on  the  stage  at  seven  o'clock.  A  few 
minutes  later  Fogg  himself  appeared,  almost  ex- 
hausted with  the  onerous  duties  of  outside  man- 
agement, but  for  all  that  as  cheerful  and  as  confi- 
dent as  any  man  of  his  peculiar  temperament  could 
be.  One  by  one  the  different  members  of  the  com- 
pany appeared,  and  by  half-past  seven  there  was 
the  usual  commotion  and  excitement  behind  the 
scenes  always  attendant  on  an  amateur  entertain- 
ment. All  the  members  of  the  committee  were  on 
hand  to  encourage  Mr.  Fogg  and  congratulate  'him 
in  advance  on  the  prospects  of  a  grand  success. 
Handy,  perceiving  that  the  time  for  the  rising  of 
the  curtain  was  approaching,  crossed  over  to  where 
Fogg  was  engaged  in  earnest  conversation  with 
Mrs.  Chairman  Doolittle,  and  suggested  to  that 
gentleman  that  it  was  getting  near  the  time  to  ring 


102  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

in  the  orchestra,  and  that  he  had  better  go  to  his 
dressing-room  and  complete  his  make-up. 

"All  right,"  said  Fogg.  "Please  excuse  me, 
Mrs.  Doolittle.  Mr.  Handy,  I  will  now  leave 
charge  of  the  stage  to  you.  Ring  in  the  orchestra 
at  eight  o'clock  sharp.  I'll  be  ready." 

"Correct,"  replied  the  stage  manager.  He  then 
proceeded  to  take  a  survey  of  the  front  of  the 
house  through  the  peep-hole  in  the  drop  curtain. 
The  house  was  filling  up  nicely,  but,  as  Handy  sub- 
sequently remarked,  the  audience  had  a  peculiar 
look  that  did  not  recommend  itself  to  the  veter- 
an's practiced  eye. 

"How  it  is?"  inquired  someone  at  Handy's  el- 
bow. On  his  turning  about  he  found  it  was  his  old 
friend  Smith,  of  the  Gem  of  the  Ocean. 

"Hello,  old  pal!  Well,  I  don't  know  how  to 
size  it  up.  There's  a  fair  crowd,  and  if  it  is  all 
money  it's  a  good  house.  But  it  doesn't  look  to 
me  like  a  money  house.  The  people  in  the  audi- 
ence appear  to  be  too  well  acquainted.  They  act 
as  if  they  came  to  a  picnic." 

"Can  you  blame  them?"  replied  Smith,  who 
had  a  very  low  estimate  of  amateur  actors. 

"I  guess  I'll  ring  in  the  spielers.  Time's  up." 
Suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  he  pressed  the 
button.  A  few  seconds  later  and  a  German  pro- 
fessor with  blond  hair  of  a  musical  cut  approached 
the  prompt  stand. 

"Ees  dot  Meister  Vogue  somewheres  about 
here,  I  don't  know?"  he  inquired. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  103 

"In  his  dressing-room,"  curtly  answered  Handy. 

"Ees  dot  so?  Veil,  then,  I  am  Professor  Fun- 
kenstein,  und  mem  men  der  money  want  before 
dot  overture." 

"You're  in  a  large-sized  hurry,  ain't" you?"  re- 
plied the  stage  manager.  "Can't  you  hold  on  until 
the  show  is  over?  What's  the  matter  with  you? 
Don't  you  see  the  house  we  have?" 

"Mein  freund,  dot's  all  right.  But  mein  men 
der  money  wants.  Don't  dink  I'm  a  fool  because 
I'm  a  German  man.  I  my  money  wants,  too." 

"Mr.  Handy,  why  don't  you  ring  in  the  orches- 
tra?" spoke  Fogg,  who  had  just  come  from  his 
dressing-room  made-up  for  Claude  Melnotte. 
Catching  sight  of  the  leader,  he  exclaimed: 
"What's  the  matter,  Professor?" 

"The  matter  is,  Meister  Vogue,  mein  men  der 
money  wants  before  they  goes  out.  Dot's  vot's 
der  matter!" 

For  a  moment  Fogg  gazed  at  the  orchestra 
leader  in  surprise,  and  then  indignantly  declared: 
"This  is  simply  outrageous!  What  do  you  take 
me  for,  sir?"  Then  turning  to  his  stage  manager : 
"Mr.  Handy,  have  you  got  a  slip  of  paper,  in 
order  that  I  may  give  this  man  an  order  on  the 
box  office?  How  much  is  your  bill?  Ah,  yes,  I 
remember — seventy-five  dollars.  Here,  take  this 
and  go  and  get  your  money  at  the  box  office,"  as 
he  handed  the  order  to  the  professor,  who  in- 
stantly made  a  hasty  retreat  through  the  nearest 
exit  leading  into  the  front  of  the  house,  Fogg 


104  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

disappearing  at  the  same  time  in  the  direction  of 
his  dressing-room,  to  add  the  finishing  touches  to 
his  make-up. 

By  this  time  it  was  nearly  twenty  minutes  past 
eight  o'clock,  and  the  audience  had  already  begun 
to  manifest  indications  of  impatience. 

"Handy,"  whispered  Smith,  "I'm  glad  I  came. 
If  I  am  not  greatly  mistaken  there  will  be  a  lively 
time  here  to-night.  Mark  what  I'm  telling  you." 

Just  then  another  individual  approached  the 
stage  manager  and  inquired  for  Mr.  Fogg.  He 
introduced  himself  as  Mr.  Draper,  the  costumer, 
and  he  was  anxious  to  see  the  star  of  the  evening, 
to  "put  up,"  as  he  expressed  himself,  for  the  cos- 
tumes before  the  curtain  went  up.  At  this  stage  of 
the  proceedings  Fogg,  now  fully  dressed  for  the 
gardener's  son,  appeared.  He  was  immediately 
buttonholed  by  the  costumer  for  the  amount  of  his 
bill. 

"After  the  performance,  when  we  count  up,  my 
dear  Mr.  Draper,"  pleaded  Fogg,  in  his  most  in- 
sinuating way. 

"After  nothing.  Now,  now!"  emphatically  de- 
clared Draper.  "What  do  you  take  me  for?  I'm 
no  sardine.  You  pay  now,  or  by  chowder!  you 
can  play  'The  Lady  of  Lyons'  in  your  shirt  tails ! 
You  promised  me  the  stuff  in  the  afternoon." 

The  audience  by  this  time  had  become  restless 
and  somewhat  demonstrative.  To  add  to  the  com- 
plications, Professor  Funkenstein  reappeared  in  a 
most  excited  frame  of  mind.  He  had  been  to  the 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  105 

box  office,  but  the  bill-poster  had  anticipated  him, 
and  had  threatened  to  clean  out  the  ranch  if  he 
didn't  get  his  money.  The  treasurer,  who  was  an 
amateur,  settled  immediately  with  the  knight  of 
the  pastepot  to  save  the  house  from  destruction. 
After  the  box  office  man  had  settled  with  the  bill- 
poster there  was  only  $5.25  in  the  drawer.  That 
was  at  once  secured  by  the  florist  in  part  payment 
on  account  of  flowers  that  were  to  be  presented  to 
Pauline.  The  florist  had  been  given  the  tip  by  the 
bill-sticker,  and  he  got  the  balance  of  the  cash  on 
hand  by  also  threatening  to  inaugurate  the  clean- 
ing-out process. 

The  uproar  in  the  front  of  the  house  increased. 
The  stamping  of  feet,  the  beating  of  canes  on  the 
floor,  and  the  catcalls  in  the  gallery  made  terrific 
disturbance. 

"You're  a  sweendler,  Meister  Vogue!"  ex- 
claimed the  excited  orchestra  leader. 

"I'll  make  it  all  right  with  you  in  the  morning, 
sir,"  replied  Fogg  indignantly,  "and  I  wouldn't 
have  your  contemptible  Dutch  band  to  play  for  me 
now  under  any  circumstances.  Please  call  the 
people  for  the  first  act,  Mr.  Handy.  I'll  show 
you.  We'll  play  the  piece  without  your  music." 

"And  you'll  play  it  without  costumes,  too,"  in- 
terposed Mr.  Draper,  "unless  I  get  my  money." 

"An'  begor,  yez'll  play  it  wid  only  sky  borders 
and  wings,  iv  I'm  goin'  to  get  left,"  yelled  the 
stage  carpenter.  "Murphy,  run  off  thim  flats." 

By  this  time  poor  Fogg  was  nearly  out  of  his 


io6  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

mind.  Surrounded  by  a  number  of  excited  credit- 
ors behind  the  curtain,  and  frightened  by  an  up- 
roarious, turbulent,  and  noisy  audience  in  front, 
the  unfortunate  fellow  recognized  in  his  bewil- 
dered condition  that  he  would  have  to  go  before 
the  curtain  and  dismiss  the  public.  But  what  ex- 
planation could  he  offer?  His  friends  were  there 
to  witness  his  humiliation.  He  wrung  his  hands 
in  despair,  wished  he  had  never  been  born,  and 
mentally  resolved  never  again  to  accept  the  tender 
of  a  benefit.  Handy  watched  him  intently,  and 
in  his  heart  felt  genuine  sorrow  for  the  sad  pre- 
dicament in  which  the  poor  fellow  had  placed 
himself.  Touching  Smith  on  the  shoulder,  he 
walked  back  on  the  stage,  his  friend  following 
him. 

"Smith,  this  is  a  hard  case.  It  makes  me  feel 
sad,  and  we  must  manage  somehow  or  other  to 
get  the  unfortunate  devil  out  of  the  hole.  This 
is  the  worst  ever.  Do  as  I  tell  you,  but  be  care- 
ful and  let  no  one  get  «on  to  you.  You  noticed 
that  small  bottle  of  red  ink  on  the  prompt  stand. 
Get  it  quietly,  and  let  no  one  see  what  you  are 
at.  Be  very  careful.  We  must  devise  some  way 
of  pulling  him  through.  It's  a  big  risk,  but  I'll 
take  it.  That's  all.  Go  now  and  take  your  cue 
from  me." 

Things  were  growing  from  bad  to  worse  on 
the  stage,  and  the  commotion  and  disorder  in 
front  of  the  curtain  were  increasing.  Handy 
moved  down  among  the  excited  crowd  that  sur- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  107 

rounded  Fogg,  and  got  close  to  him.  Smith, 
after  exchanging  a  knowing  glance  with  Handy, 
also  edged  his  way  into  the  group. 

"Great  Heavens!  Fogg,  my  dear  fellow!'* 
suddenly  exclaimed  Handy,  seizing  him  in  an 
alarmed  manner,  "are  you  ill?  What's  the  mat- 
ter?" Then  in  a  hasty  whisper  he  said:  "Act 

now,  d n  you !  if  you  never  acted  before.  Go 

off  in  a  fit,  drop  and  leave  the  rest  to  me." 

"Oh,  nothing,  nothing!"  replied  Fogg,  with  a 
strange  stare.  Then  looking  wildly  about  him,  he 
uttered  a  weird  scream  and  fell  in  a  heap  on  the 
stage.  In  an  instant  Handy  was  on  his  knees  be- 
side him.  So  was  Smith,  and  before  any  one 
could  realize  the  situation,  the  bottle  of  red  ink 
in  his  hand  had  dexterously  performed  its  office 
over  the  mouth  of  the  prostrate  actor." 

Bending  over  him,  Handy  whispered:  "Keep 
still!  and  act  out  your  fit  and  I'll  pull  you 
through."  Then  addressing  those  about  him,  he 
said:  "Will  some  one  of  you  gentlemen  kindly 
fetch  a  glass  of  ice  water  and  a  little  brandy? 
This  is  a  bad  case,  I'm  afraid.  A  serious  affair. 
Send  for  a  carriage.  He  must  be  removed  to  his 
house  at  once  and  a  doctor  called  in.  Poor  fel- 
low, the  strain  was  too  much  for  him.  Ah,  and 
by  the  way,  will  one  of  the  gentlemen  be  good 
enough  to  go  out  in  front  of  the  curtain  and  ex- 
plain to  the  audience  the  sad  mishap  which  has 
befallen  our  esteemed  friend?  Please  break  it 
mildly  in  the  announcement.  The  chances  are  it 


io8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

won't  prove  fatal,  but  I'm  no  doctor,  so  my  say 
don't  go  for  much.  Poor  old  chap  I" 

It  was  not  without  difficulty  that  the  man  who 
volunteered  to  quell  the  storm  in  front  could  get 
a  hearing  from  the  audience.  At  last  he  suc- 
ceeded, and  after  he  explained  the  suddenness 
and  severity  of  the  attack,  the  storm  subsided  and 
the  people  went  quietly  out. 

On  the  stage  poor  Fogg  lay  stretched  out, 
Handy  supporting  his  head.  He  was  a  sight. 
His  mouth  was  liberally  marked  with  Smith's 
home-made  blood,  for  the  carmine  had  been  gen- 
erously though  dexterously  employed.  Everyone 
expressed  sympathy  for  him.  Handy,  with  the 
assistance  of  Smith,  succeeded  in  getting  him  to 
his  feet  and  managed  to  get  him  to  the  stage 
door  in  his  Melnotte  garb.  Mrs.  Doolittle's  car- 
riage was  outside  waiting,  and  he  was  assisted 
into  it.  As  Handy  was  about  to  follow,  Fogg 
leaned  over  and  whispered  in  his  ear:  "For  the 
Lord  sake,  Handy,  bring  my  street  clothes  from 
the  dressing-room,  or  I'll  never  be  able  to  leave 
the  house."  Handy  pressed  his  hand,  Smith  went 
after  the  clothes,  and  the  three  then  drove  to 
Fogg's  home,  and  the  carnage  returned  to  the 
theatre  for  the  lady  chairman. 

"Well,"  said  Handy,  when  within  the  safety 
of  the  star's  quarters,  "I've  played  many  parts 
in  my  varied  career,  but  this  one  is  the  limit.  It 
beats  the  deck.  Fogg,  you  will  have  to  keep  the 
house  for  a  week,  at  least;  then  go  and  rusticate 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  109 

for  another  week,  but  above  all  things,  for  heav- 
en's sake  don't  recover  too  hastily!" 

"Oh,  bless  my  soul!"  remarked  Fogg,  as  he 
surveyed  himself  in  the  mirror,  "you  have  ruined 
Draper's  Melnotte  blouse.  What  the  blazes  did 
you  inundate  me  with  that  confounded  red  stuff 
for?" 

Handy  looked  at  him  seriously  for  a  minute, 
and  then  replied:  "There's  gratitude  for  you. 
Ah!  well,  it's  the  way  of  the  world  all  over.  Help 
a  man  to  get  out  of  a  scrape,  and  do  you  think 
he  will  appreciate  your  meritorious  act?  Not 
even  a  little  bit,  and  the  chances  are  he  will  begin 
to  find  fault  with  your  manner  of  saving  him. 
Darn  it,  man!  that  fiddler,  costumer,  and  stage 
carpenter  would  never  have  swallowed  an  ordi- 
nary, common  garden,  every-day  fit,  but  when 
they  saw  the  gore,  the  blood-red  gore,  they  caved- 
in.  It  was  a  demonstration  in  red,  and  it  did  the 
work.  And  now,  then,  when  you  are  going  to 
have  your  next  testimonial  you  can  get  someone 
else  to  manage  your  fits.  Come,  Smith.  Good- 
night, Fogg!" 


CHAPTER  XV 

"Come  what,  come  may, 
Time  and  the  hour  runs  through  the  roughest  day." — MACBETH. 

Never  be  it  said  that  fate  itself  could  awe  the 
soul  of  Fogg.  Next  day,  when  Handy  called  on 
him,  he  found  his  irrepressible  friend  preparing 
to  saunter  forth.  That  he  failed  to  appreciate 
the  humiliation  of  the  previous  evening  there  was 
not  the  slightest  reason  to  believe.  His  restless 
spirit,  however,  was  too  strong  to  compel  him  will- 
ingly to  remain  indoors.  He  was  nothing,  if  not 
active.  In  fact,  he  was  miserable  unless  when 
employed  in  some  optimistic  scheme.  No  matter 
how  impracticable  it  might  appear  to  others,  he 
invariably  perceived  a  means  to  circumvent  its 
difficulties.  He  believed  in  taking  the  biggest 
kind  of  chance  on  the  smallest  possibility  of  suc- 
cess. He  was  a  remarkably  unique  proposition. 

"Hello,  hello!"  exclaimed  Handy.  "What's 
all  this  about  ?  Up  and  dressed.  Say,  don't  you 
know  you're  a  sick  man?"  Fogg  gazed  at  his 
friend  more  in  surprise  than  anger,  and  turned 
his  head  aside.  "Did  you  hear  what  I  said?  You 
don't  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  are  going  out  in 
the  streets  to-day?" 

"Why  not?"  replied  Fogg. 

no 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  in 

"After  what  took  place  last  night?" 

"I  must,  you  know!" 

"With  a  busted  blood-vessel  in  your  innards 
and  a — a — a " 

"Oh,  come  now,  Handy,  this  thing  has  gone 
far  enough.  I  appreciate  all  you  did  for  me  in 
an  emergency,  but  there's  no  necessity  for  keep- 
ing up  the  deception  any  longer.  I  tell  you  I  have 
an  important  engagement " 

"Hold!  Avast  heaving  and  take  a  hitch,"  in- 
terrupted the  veteran.  "Give  me  no  more  of  that 
important  engagement  business  in  mine.  I  have 
some  say  in  this  matter,  I  have." 

"You  have — and  how,  pray?" 

"Well,  I'll  give  it  you,  and  straight,  too." 

"Go  on,  then." 

"Well,  you  were  to  have  taken  a  benefit  last 
night,  weren't  you?" 

"I'm  listening." 

"An'  you  didn't,  did  you?" 

"Well,  no — not  exactly  a — benefit,"  replied 
Fogg  slowly,  with  a  sickly  smile. 

"And  why  didn't  you?" 

"Well,  you  are  aware  of  the  reason  as  well  as 
I,"  Fogg  answered,  slightly  irritated;  "because  I 
didn't  have  the  necessary  funds  to  carry  out  my 
plans,  therefore " 

"Rubbish  and  stuff  !"  retorted  Handy  contempt- 
uously. "You  always  get  things  mixed." 

"What  do  you  mean?"  inquired  the  mystified 


ii2  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

Fogg,  looking  more  perplexed  than  ever.  "I  do 
not  quite  understand  you!" 

"No,  I  didn't  expect  you  would.  Not  be  able 
to  give  a  show  without  funds!  Fiddlesticks! 
You  make  me  tired.  Darn  it!  Any  one  could 
do  the  turn  with  funds,  and  if  you  had  the  funds 
you  wouldn't  meed  a  benefit — unless,  indeed,  you 
needed  them  to  take  a  pleasure  trip  to  Europe  or 
to  buy  an  automobile.  But  the  man  who  can  pull 
off  a  venture  of  that  kind  I  regard  as  a  financier;  a 
man  to  be  respected;  a  man  of  mettle — I  mean  the 
kind  of  mettle  that's  next  door  to  genius,  so  to 
speak.  By  the  way,  old  man,  how  do  you  spell 
that  mettle — mettle  or  metal?" 

"I  would  spell  it  B-R-A-S-S." 

For  a  moment,  Handy  was  completely  put  out, 
then  extending  his  hand,  he  said:  "Fogg,  you  may 
not  know  it,  but  you're  a  humorist.  That  wasn't 
half  bad,  as  we  say  in  England.  I  was  never 
there,  but  it  goes,  all  the  same." 

Fogg  smiled,  but  Handy  looked  serious.  He 
was  in  a  troubled  state  of  mind  on  account  of 
Fogg's  expressed  determination  to  leave  the 
house.  He  remembered  all  too  vividly  that  he 
had  been  chief  engineer  -of  Fogg's  escapade  of  the 
preceding  night.  He  had  to  economize  on  truth; 
originate  a  fit,  burst  a  blood-vessel,  and  carry  out 
several  minor  details  to  make  the  undertaking 
thoroughly  convincing.  These,  of  course,  he  was 
willing  to  father,  and,  for  that  matter,  felt  a  cer- 
tain pride  in  their  performance,  when  he  remem- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  113 

bered  they  resulted  in  relieving  the  troubles  of  a 
friend.  But  he  was  hurt  when  he  came  to  reflect 
that  the  friend  for  whom  he  had  undertaken  so 
much  had  so  little  regard  for  the  fitness  of  things 
and  embarrassments  of  the  situation  as  to  venture 
forth  the  following  day.  It  was  too  much  for  his 
sensibilities. 

"The  idea,  Fogg,  of  showing  yourself  in  pub- 
lic to-day,  or  to-morrow,  or  even  the  next  day,  is 
simply  preposterous.  It  is  out  of  the  question. 
I  may  almost  pronounce  it  like  flying  in  the  face 
of  Providence.  Remember,  you  are  still  ia  sick 
man,  and  I  am  sponsor  for  your  illness.  Bear  in 
mind,  you  were  taken  out  of  the  theatre  as  good 
as  a  dead  one,  in  the  garb  of  Claude  Melnotte" 

"Yes;  and  thanks  to  that  infernal  Smith,"  in- 
terrupted Fogg,  "the  suit  is  as  good  as  ruined, 
with  the  stuff  he  spilt  over  it." 

"There  you  go  again.  Why,  you  unthinking 
ingrate,  only  for  that  marked  feature  of  the  epi- 
sode, you  might  at  this  moment  be  laid  up  in  the 
hospital,  if  the  stage  hands,  fiddlers,  costumer, 
and  bill-posters  got  in  their  work.  Instead  of  that, 
here  you  are  where  sympathizing  friends  can  visit 
you  and  hearken  to  your  tale  of  woe.  Don't  you 
see,"  continued  Handy,  "if  you  are  met  on  the 
street  people  will  be  likely  to  draw  their  own  con- 
clusions and  regard  last  night's  emergency  illness 
as  a  fraud?  You  know  how  uncharitable  even 
the  best  of  friends  are  at  odd  times.  While  if 
you  keep  within  doors  and  recover  slowly,  no 


n4  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

such  uncharitable  fancy  can  be  conjured  into  exist- 
ence. Besides,  the  time  spent  in  convalescence 
may  be  employed  by  that  fertile  brain  of  yours 
in  devising  some  scheme  for  the  future.  I  never 
willingly  was  party  to  a  fraud,  but  when  a  friend 
gets  into  a  bad  box  it  becomes  a  human  duty  on 
the  part  of  another  friend  to  help  him  out.  The 
end  in  view  justifies  the  means.  Friends  don't  go 
to  that  trouble,  as  a  rule,  but  they  ought  to.  Then 
you  must  have  some  consideration  for  dramatic 
consistency.  Even  actors  can  not  burst  blood- 
vessels with  impunity  over  night  and  then  go  gal- 
livanting about  town  next  day.  And  again,  is 
all  this  fine  advertising  you  are  going  to  get  out 
of  last  night's  realism  to  be  thrown  away  and  go 
for  nothing?  Oh,  no!  I  guess  not!  My  dear 
Fogg,  you  have  got  to  be  repaired  before  you  are 
again  seen  in  public." 

Handy's  eloquent  and  forcible  argument  con- 
vinced Fogg  that  a  week  indoors  was  the  proper 
course  for  him  to  pursue,  and  also  be  guided 
solely  by  the  veteran  during  his  convalescence. 

"Now,  then,  get  to  bed  at  once.  You  cannot 
tell  who  may  get  it  into  his  head  to  call  upon  you. 
It  is  more  than  likely  that  Draper  will  be  here 
after  the  Melnotte  outfit." 

"Goodness  gracious,  I  forgot  all  about  that!" 
exclaimed  Fogg. 

"I  thought  so.  Never  overlook  details.  If  you 
had  traveled  over  this  broad  land  of  the  free  and 
the  home  of  the  brave  as  extensively  as  I  have, 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  115 

you  would  recognize  their  importance.  They  are, 
my  dear  boy,  most  important  factors  of  success 
in  the  show  line,  as  in  every  other  business.  You 
can  start  a  show  without  money  if  you  are  careful 
in  the  arrangement  of  your  details  beforehand. 
I  might  be  able  to  give  you  some  useful  advice  on 
that  subject,  which  would  prove  serviceable  if 
you  ever  contemplate  going  on  the  road." 

"I  did  have  an  idea  of  that  kind,"  replied 
Fogg.  "I  think  there's  money  in  it.  Don't  you?" 

"Well,  that  depends." 

"On  what?" 

"That  I  can't  precisely  explain.  I  have  seen 
some  of  the  worst  so-called  actors  that  ever  trod 
the  boards  catch  on  with  the  fickle  public,  while 
counting  railroad  ties  was  the  reward  for  some 
of  the  most  talented  in  the  business.  It  isn't  talent, 
ability,  or  merit  that  always  tells  in  this  world. 
Don't  you  know  that?  To  be  sure,  if  you  have 
money  to  back  any  one  or  all  of  them  up,  together 
with  grit  enough  to  hold  on  until  the  tide  turns, 
you  may  stand  a  chance.  But  sometimes,  even 
then  one  gets  left." 

"Pshaw!  I've  known  fellows  without  any  one 
of  these  qualifications  you  have  enumerated  suc- 
ceed— fellows  who  had  neither  friends  nor  capital 
to  aid  them,"  responded  Fogg,  as  he  removed  his 
coat.  "How  do  you  account  for  that,  old  man?" 

"Easily  enough,"  answered  Handy,  seemingly 
not  a  bit  put  out.  "They  must  have  had  those 
magnificent  endowments  which  may  be  tersely 


u6  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

summed  up  in  the  simple  words  'cheek'  and 
'push,'  qualities  sufficiently  potent  to  transform  a 
mouse-trap  into  a  fortune  or  a  tobacco  patent  of 
some  kind  into  a  grand  opera  house.  These  are, 
my  boy,  the  magician's  wand.  Hurry  up  and 
peel  off  your  vest.  Cheek  is  the  capital  with 
which  the  impecunious  push  ahead  while  modest 
merit  remains  in  the  background  waiting  for  a 
chance.  There,  now,  don't  stand  and  stare.  Pull 
off  your  shoes.  You're  too  slow.  As  I  was  say- 
ing, cheek  in  business  generally  is  the  avant  cour- 
ier of  success.  Catch  on  to  my  French?  Say, 
what's  the  matter  now — burst  a  button  off  your 
pants?  Never  mind.  You'll  have  plenty  of  time 
to  make  repairs  during  the  week.  Remember 
what  I  tell  you.  Cheek  backed  up  by  energy  will 
win  every  time,  and  don't  make  any  mistake  about 
it.  There,  now,  lie  down  and  give  me  a  chance 
to  mend  you  and  help  to  get  your  business  affairs 
in  some  kind  of  shape  that  will  be  intelligible.  By 
the  way,  have  you  such  things  as  a  pipe  and  to- 
bacco on  the  premises?" 

"Yes,  you  will  find  them  on  the  shelf  yonder. 
But  see  here,  Handy.  I  don't  half  like  this  quar- 
antine business — lying  down  and  playing  sick 
when  I  am  as  well  as  you  are !" 

"Then  why  in  the  name  of  Christopher  Colum- 
bus' cat  didn't  you  think  of  that  before  you  went 
off  in  that  fit  last  night !  What  did  you  do  that 
for,  eh?  A  joke?  The  punishment  fits  the  crime, 
my  friend,  and  you  might  as  well  make  up  your 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  117 

alleged  mind  to  that  fact,  and  that  you'll  have  to 
take  such  medicine  as  I  prescribe  for  at  least  a 
week  to  come." 

Just  then  was  heard  the  ring  of  the  hall  bell, 
and  shortly  after  a  servant-like  knock  at  the  door 
of  the  apartment  followed.  Handy  motioned  his 
patient  to  lie  down  and  keep  still,  and  then  called, 
"Come  in!"  The  door  opened  and  a  servant 
popped  in  her  head  and  informed  the  two  friends 
that  downstairs  was  a  man  named  Draper,  who 
wanted  to  see  Mr.  Fogg. 

"Draper!  Draper!"  repeated  Handy,  as  if  en- 
deavoring to  recall  the  name  to  his  recollection. 
"Fogg,  dear  boy,  do  you  know  any  one  named 
Draper?"  Then  turning  to  the  servant:  "Are 
you  certain  you  got  the  gentleman's  name  cor- 
rect?" 

"He  towld  me  his  name  was  Draper,  and  sure 
that's  all  I  know  about  him." 

"Will  you  be  kind  enough,  like  a  good  girl,  to 
skip  down-stairs  and  ask  the  gentleman  to  send  up 
his  card?"  said  Handy  in  his  most  persuasive 
manner. 

The  lady  who  officiated  as  menial  evidently  did 
not  relish  another  journey  up  and  downstairs,  but 
Handy's  winning  way  and  manner  of  appealing 
to  her  had  the  desired  effect.  She  condescended 
to  oblige,  but  with  a  look,  however,  that  might 
readily  be  mistaken  for  one  other  than  pleasure 
over  the  job,  with  an  accompanying  murmur  of 


u8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

words  that  sounded  very  much  like  "people  put- 
tin'  on  airs." 

"Why,  Handy,  you  know  very  well  who  that 
is  down  at  the  door,"  said  Fogg,  raising  himself 
in  bed. 

"Know!  Well,  I  should  smile!  Why,  of 
course  I  know.  But,  my  boy,  I  need  a  little  time 
to  get  things  straightened  out  before  we  receive 
visitors.  Lie  down  and  keep  quiet.  I'm  running 
this  show.  These  Melnotte  duds  will  have  to  go 
to  the  wash.  Ten  to  one  that's  what  Draper  has 
called  for.  That  fellow  Jias  an  eye  as  sharp  as  a 
hawk." 

"What  has  that  to  do  with  the  case?" 

"This,  if  you  are  anxious  to  know.  Draper 
would  get  on  to  that  red  ink  stain  quicker  than  a 
wink.  You  couldn't  fool  that  gentleman  on  ink 
for  blood.  Just  cast  your  eagle  eye  over  it."  He 
held  the  blouse  up  for  inspection.  "Why,  it  looks 
more  like  cranberry  sauce  on  a  jamboree  than  hu- 
man gore.  I  will  stow  this  away  in  the  closet,  and 
now  bear  in  mind  it  has  gone  to  the  wash." 

"Oh,  all  right!" 

"Come  in."  This  in  answer  to  a  knock  at  the 
door,  and  Bedelia,  for  such  was  the  lady  attend- 
ant's name,  reappeared. 

"The  man  down  at  the  door  below  sez  as  how 
he  has  no  card  wid  him,  but  that  yez  knows  him 
very  well  already.  He  sez  he's  a  customer." 

"A  what?"  yelled  Handy. 

"A  customer,"  shouted  back  Bedelia. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  119 

"A  customer,"  echoed  Handy,  and  then  in  his 
most  agreeable  manner  continued:  "Now,  my 
gentle  friend,  for  I  know  you  are  gentle,  and 
therefore  must  be  a  friend,  did  not  the  man  in  the 
gap  below  tell  you  he  was  a  costumer,  and  not  a 
customer?  Think,  for  the  difference  between  the 
two  is  of  some  degree  of  importance." 

"Well,  sur,  I  may  not  be  as  well  up  in  the  new- 
fangled ways  of  spakin'  as  some  other  people  are. 
Begor !  with  yer  cawn'ts  an'  shawn'ts,  an'  chawn- 
ces,  an'  the  divil  only  knows  what  in  the  way  of 
pronunciayshon,  a  dacint,  hard-workin'  gerl  can't 
make  out  half  what's  said  nowadays.  You  call 
the  man  down-stairs  wan  thing  an'  I  call  him  an- 
other, but  both  of  them  are  the  same  man.  Arrah ! 
what's  the  matther  wid  yez,  at  all,  at  all?" 

With  this  withering  invective,  Bedelia  looked 
as  if  she  could  annihilate  Handy. 

The  veteran  in  an  amusingly  polite  manner 
arose  and  bowed.  "All  right,  Bedelia,  and  if  it's 
all  the  same  to  you,  you  may  as  well  waltz  the 
customer  up." 

"Well,  sur,"  she  answered,  with  what  she  pos- 
sibly considered  satiric  dignity,  "I'll  sind  him  up, 
but  I  would  like  yez  to  understhand  that  I've  plinty 
to  do  widout  climbing  up  and  down  two  pair  of 
stairs  waitin'  on  show-actors,"  and  she  then  hur- 
ried out  and  bang!  went  the  door. 

"Fogg,  my  boy,"  said  Handy,  with  a  smile, 
"that  handmaiden  is  a  passion  flower.  'Twould 


120  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

be  an  injustice  to  the  more  modest  posy  to  desig- 
nate her  a  daisy." 

He  was  about  to  indulge  in  a  laugh,  when  a 
masculine  knock  at  the  door  interrupted.  Mov- 
ing quietly  across  the  room,  he  opened  the  door. 
A  nod  of  recognition  and  the  costumer  entered. 

"Will  you  kindly  take  a  seat,  Mr.  Draper?"  he 
said  in  a  subdued  voice,  as  he  motioned  the  visitor 
to  a  chair  beside  the  bed. 

"It's  awfully  kind  of  you,  Draper,  to  call,"  said 
Fogg  in  a  feeble  tone  of  voice,  at  the  same  time 
extending  his  hand.  "This  is  a  bad  blow.  Who 
would  have  thought  this  time  yesterday  that  I 
would  now  be " 

"Hush!"  interrupted  Handy  gently.  "You 
must  keep  still  and  not  grow  excited.  You  know 
what  the  doctor  said."  Then  turning  to  the  cos- 
tumer, Handy  explained  Fogg's  condition,  the  pos- 
sible effect  excitement  would  be  likely  to  produce, 
and  the  evil  consequences  that  might  ensue.  "He 
is  not  yet  quite  out  of  danger,  but  I  guess  he'll 
pull  through,  provided  he  will  keep  still  and  obey 

orders.  The  doctor  says Oh!  by  the  way, 

Mr.  Draper,  you  didn't  meet  the  doctor  on  your 
way  up,  did  you?"  inquired  Handy  meekly,  as  he 
placed  the  invalid's  hand  back  under  the  coverlet. 

"No!"  replied  Mr.  Draper,  "I  did  not.  What 
physician  is  attending  him?" 

"Oh!  Doctor — ah — Doctor Some  Ger- 
man name.  Hold  on!  That  last  prescription 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  121 

will  tell  us."  But  somehow  or  other  Handy  could 
not  lay  his  hand  on  it. 

"Never  mind.  Don't  put  yourself  to  any 
trouble.  It  doesn't  matter." 

"Oh,  by  the  way,  Mr.  Draper,"  and  Handy 
bent  down  toward  him  and  in  a  low  tone  of  voice 
said,  "That  Melnotte  dress  our  poor  friend  had 
on  at  the  time  of  the  occurrence  was  so  soiled  that 
we  had  to  send  it  to  the  laundry  before  returning 
it.  It  will  be  all  right,  though." 

"Darn  the  thing!"  replied  Draper,  somewhat 
indignantly.  "You  don't  mean  to  think  that  is 
what  I  called  around  for.  No,  sir."  Then  rising 
from  the  chair,  he  turned  toward  Fogg.  "Now, 
then,  old  chap,  get  all  right  again.  Your  friend 
here  will  look  after  you.  I  merely  dropped  in  to 
pay  a  little  friendly  visit."  He  turned  to  leave 
the  room,  at  the  same  time  beckoning  to  Handy 
to  step  outside  the  door. 

The  two  went  out  together,  and  though  the  time 
Handy  remained  away  was  brief,  Fogg's  anxiety 
magnified  it  and  it  made  him  restless.  At  length 
Handy  returned,  and  with  much  more  subdued  de- 
meanor than  before  he  went  out.  He  appeared 
grave  and  thoughtful. 

"What's  up  now?"  inquired  Fogg,  half  raising 
from  the  bed.  "What  did  Draper  have  to  say? 
Is  it  that  which  disturbs  you?" 

Handy  remained  silent  for  a  time.  "Yes.  It 
is  not  only  what  he  said,  but  what  he  did  that 
knocks  me." 


122  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"I  am  really  sorry  to  hear  you  say  so,"  sympa- 
thetically replied  Fogg. 

"You  know  when  we  went  outside" — and 
Handy  breathed  a  heavy  sigh  and  paused — 
"Draper  placed  his  hand  on  my  shoulder  and 
said,  'Mr.  Handy,  you  are  a  friend  of  Fogg?' 
I  nodded  an  assent.  'I  don't  suppose,'  he  says, 
'he  has  any  too  much  ready  money  for  an  emer- 
gency of  this  kind,  so  that  when  affliction  pays  an 
unwelcome  visit  and  sudden  sickness  crosses  the 
threshold  a  few  dollars  at  such  a  time  come  not 
amiss.'" 

"Good-hearted  fellow,  after  all." 

"  'Now,'  he  continued,  'don't  let  anything  worry 
the  poor  devil.  Let  him  consider  the  bill  for  cos- 
tumes chalked  off.  Here,  put  this  ten  dollars  to 
the  best  advantage  you  can  use  it  for  any  little 
necessaries  that  may  be  wanting  in  the  sick- 
room.' " 

"You  don't  mean  it!"  cried  Fogg  excitedly. 

"Oh,  hang  it,  that  was  too  much  for  me  1"  And 
Handy  began  to  pace  the  floor  nervously. 

"And  what  did  you  do  when  he  offered  the 
money?" 

"Do !"  replied  Handy  indignantly.  "Do !  Why, 
I  declined  to  take  it,  of  course.  I  can  do  a  good 
many  things;  but  no — not  that,  not  that." 

"Right!" 

"I  told  him  you  were  not  in  need  of  .anything. 
You  had  all  you  wanted.  That  was  a  lie,  of 
course,  but  then  there  are  times  and  circumstances 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  123 

when  a  lie  may  counterfeit  truth.  I  insisted  I 
could  not  accept  it.  What  do  you  think  he  said?" 

"Can't  imagine." 

"'Well!'  he  replied,  'if  he  doesn't  want  for 
anything,  what  was  the  benefit  got  up  for?  Here, 
take  the  stuff,  and  have  no  more  silly  nonsense 
about  it.'  He  then  thrust  the  money  into  my  vest 
pocket  and  hurried  down  the  stairs." 

"Handy,  you  amaze  me!" 

"There  it  is,"  and  he  threw  the  bills  on  the  bed 
to  Fogg,  and  walked  the  room  with  pain 
distinctly  written  over  his  usually  happy  face. 
"The  world  is  not  so  cold-hearted  after  all. 
Those  we  least  suspect  have  hearts  to  feel  for 
sufferings  of  others,  and  what  is  more,  they  have 
a  practical  way  of  expressing  their  sympathy." 
Then  turning  to  Fogg,  he  added  with  much  feel- 
ing: "This  incident  saddens  me!" 

"You  are  right.  This  money  must  be  returned. 
I  cannot  take  it,"  and  Fogg  too  became  thoughtful. 

For  the  first  time  the  evil  of  the  fraud  which 
had  been  perpetrated  became  forcibly  evident  to 
both  men.  One  genuine  act  of  kindness  had 
stripped  deceit  of  its  covering  more  effectively 
than  the  logic  of  a  hundred  sermons. 

"Perhaps  the  next  experience,"  said  Handy, 
still  in  a  reflective  mood,  "will  be  the  appearance 
of  that  tough  stage  carpenter  who  threatened  to 
compel  you  to  describe  the  beauties  of  your  palace 
by  Lake  Como  with  sky  borders  and  wings,  with 
a  supply  of  delicacies  from  his  humble  home,  or 


i24  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

maybe  a  contribution  in  cash  exceeding  the  sum 
you  agreed  to  pay  him  for  his  labor,  in  order  that 
he  might  show  his  kindly  disposition  to  assist 
when  misfortune  overtook  you." 

Both  were  visibly  affected.  The  deception  they 
practiced,  though  it  brought  a  certain  temporary 
relief  from  an  embarrassing  situation,  also  car- 
ried with  it  its  own  punishment.  For  a  time  they 
remained  silent. 

"Handy,"  began  Fogg,  "if  the  thing  had  been 
real  and  resulted  fatally,  I  verily  believe  that  old 
man  Funkenstein  would  have  volunteered  to  fur- 
nish tihe  music  for  my  funeral,  and  not  have 
charged  my  friends  a  red  cent." 

"Sure!  And  what's  more,"  replied  Handy,  the 
humorous  side  appealing  to  his  fancy,  "let  me  tell 
you,  as  a  dead  one  you  would  have  drawn  a  darn'd 
sight  bigger  house  than  you  ever  can  as  a  live 
actor." 

Notwithstanding  his  troubles,  Fogg  appreci- 
ated the  humorous  sally  of  his  associate.  He 
threw  himself  back  on  his  bed  and  enjoyed  a 
hearty  laugh.  Handy  permitted  him  to  enjoy 
his  merriment  and  then  reminded  him  that  al- 
though to  the  outer  world  he  was  on  the  blink, 
so  far  as  prosperity  was  concerned,  the  enforced 
inaction  of  the  sick-room  would  never  bridge  over 
the  difficulties  that  encompassed  him.  He  re- 
minded Fogg  that  he  was  financially  dead  broke. 
It  is  true  he  was  in  the  great  city,  the  mecca 
toward  which  all  strolling  players  turn  their  eyes 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  125 

as  well  as  their  toes  when  they  are  in  financial 
straits,  but  the  fact  of  being  in  the  metropolis  was 
not  sufficient.  It  was  necessary  to  set  about  doing 
something. 

"Let  me  tell  you,  Fogg,  that  thinking  without 
action  to  back  it  up  cuts  no  ice.  Never  did — 
never  will.  You  may  think  until  doomsday  and 
accomplish  nothing.  I  will  point  a  moral  without 
ornamenting  a  tale,  by  relating  an  experience  I 
once  had  when  I  was  out  West  some  time  ago  with 
a  company  and  got  stranded,  and  if  you  will  loan 
me  your  ear  I  will  a  tale  unfold.  What  say  you?" 

"Proceed." 

"First  let  me  dispose  of  a  quiet  pipeful  of  to- 
bacco to  collect  my  scattered  thoughts  and  I  will 
unbosom  myself." 


CHAPTER   XVI 

A  New  Way  to  Pay  Old  Debts. 

After  Handy  had  complacently  smoked  a  pipe- 
ful of  Fogg's  tobacco  he  laid  the  comforter  aside 
and  started  in  one  of  those  characteristic  chapters 
of  incidents  to  be  found  scattered  here  and  there 
on  the  pathway  of  nearly  every  player  who 
amounts  to  anything  either  at  home  or  abroad. 

"You  may  remember  that  a  few  years  ago  I  got 
together  a  company  with  a  view  to  endeavor  to 
enlighten  as  well  as  to  instruct  the  public  of  the 
so-called  wild  and  woolly  West." 

"Yes." 

"Part  of  the  company  I  picked  up  here,  the  re- 
mainder I  managed  to  scrape  together  in  Chi- 
cago. Times  were  not  good;  actors  were  easily 
had,  and  were  willing  to  take  long  chances  on  the 
prospects  of  even  getting  bread  and  butter.  Please 
don't  take  me  too  literally.  They  were  well  aware 
of  the  fact  that  if  the  money  came  in  they  would 
surely  get  their  share.  All  who  know  me  are 
pretty  well  satisfied  on  that  score.  Deal  squarely 
with  the  people  about  you,  is  my  maxim,  and  they 
will  stand  by  you  when  the  pinch  comes.  I  have 
gone  on  that  principle  all  through  my  varied  ca- 
reer and  I  know  the  benefit  of  what  I  speak." 

126 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  127 

"Yes;  all  things  considered,"  replied  Fogg, 
"you  have  been  on  the  Square." 

"Good I  You're  improving!  Well,  as  I  was 
saying,  I  got  my  company  together  and  set  out. 
We  opened  in  Denver.  Did  fairly  well;  pushed 
on  still  further.  Struck  bad  business,  and  at  the 
end  of  a  couple  of  weeks  landed  high  and  dry  on 
Saturday  night  in  a  far  Western  town —  No 
need  of  mentioning  names." 

"As  soon  as  that — two  weeks?" 

"Just  two  weeks.  Oh,  don't  affect  surprise. 
I've  known  companies  to  go  where  the  woodbine 
twineth  on  the  third  night  out.  There  is  nothing 
new  in  that.  Well,  the  night  I  'have  reference  to 
was  so  bad,  that  is  the  receipts  were  so  slender, 
that  we  didn't  take  in  money  enough  to  pay  for 
the  gas,  and  remember  we  were  under  contract  to 
play  the  following  Monday  in  a  city  not  more 
than  fifty  miles  tor  so  away." 

"Well,  you  had  all  Sunday  and  most  of  Mon- 
day to  get  there,  and  keep  your  date.  There's 
nothing  in  that,"  remarked  Fogg,  with  a  smile. 

"Very  true;  but,  iny  optimistic  friend,  permit 
me  to  inform  you  that  my  company  was  not  solely 
made  up  of  pedestrians,  and,  moreover,  walking 
in  midwinter  as  a  rule  is  not  good.  So  you  may 
readily  recognize  I  was  in  a  perplexing  predica- 
ment. After  I  glanced  over  the  box  office  state- 
ment I  hardly  knew  where  I  was  at.  As  I  thought 
the  situation  over  before  me  arose  the  stern  real- 
ity of  a  large-sized  board  bill,  for  bear  in  mind  I 


128  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

had  guaranteed  to  pay  the  traveling  and  hotel 
bills  of  the  company.  Hotelkeepers  are  such  mat- 
ter-of-fact and  precise  individuals  in  their  pecu- 
liar ways  of  dealings  that  it  is  difficult  for  those 
of  empty  pockets  to  get  along  pleasantly  with 
them." 

"Absurdly  so,"  admitted  Fogg. 

"Pleased  to  hear  you  say  so,  but  then,  my  boy, 
you  never  ran  a  hotel." 

"No,  but  I  kept  the  books  of  a  traveling  poli- 
tician one  season!" 

"You  did?" 

"Fact." 

"You  weren't  traveling  with  a  show?" 

"Nit,  I  was  attending  political  conventions." 

"Oh,  that  settles  it.  That  was  a  dead  easy  job. 
The  party  put  up  the  dough  and  the  public  in  the 
end  pays  the  score.  That's  another  proposition 
altogether.  But  the  poor  player  who — well,  no 
matter.  No  use  in  becoming  sentimental  or 
spoony  about  it.  Now,  own  up,  my  position  was 
unpleasantly  embarrassing,  wasn't  it?" 

"It  was  not  exhilarating." 

"No.  There  was  nothing  cheering  about  it. 
However,  I  put  on  no  long  face,  though  between 
ourselves  I  wished  some  other  fellow  stood  in  my 
shoes." 

"How  considerate  for  the  other  fellow!" 

"Well,"  continued  Handy,  "that's  neither  here 
nor  there,  but  I  made  up  my  mind  to  get  out  of 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  129 

that  town  bag  and  baggage  and  keep  my  date 
Monday  night,  all  the  samee." 

"I  admire  your  pluck." 

"Pluck?  Nothing  of  the  kind.  Pluck  had 
nothing  to  do  with  the  case.  It  was  tact  and  re- 
source that  came  to  my  assistance.  Season  your 
admiration  for  a  moment  and  I'll  give  you  a 
wrinkle  worth  remembering.  After  a  bite  and  a 
snack  I  went  to  bed,  not  to  worry,  but  to  sleep. 
Let  me  say,  by  way  of  comment,  that  a  few  hours' 
rest  is  a  powerful  rejuvenator.  You  can  do  much 
better  work  in  the  morning  after  a  good  night's 
sleep  than  if  you  had  passed  weary  hours  tossing 
and  tumbling  about  in  bemoaning  your  hard  luck 
and  picturing  to  yourself  what  might  have  been  if 
you  had  done  so  and  so.  All  rot.  Let  the  other 
fellow  do  the  worrying.  Remember,  my  boy,  the 
past  is  irreclaimable,  the  present  the  life  we  are 
struggling  in,  and  the  future  what  we  make  it,  or 
rather  try  to  make  it." 

"Handy,  I  had  no  idea  you  were  such  a  philoso- 
pher!" 

"Indeed!  Well,  experience  teaches  me  to  be 
practical,"  replied  the  veteran,  "and  I  trust  I  may 
be  able  to  prove  to  you  the  truth  of  what  I  say. 
As  I  told  you,  I  retired  to  my  bed  to  sleep,  and 
sleep  I  did,  as  soundly  as  if  I  owned  one-half  the 
town  and  had  a  mortgage  on  the  other  half. 
Next  morning  I  got  up  refreshed  and  with  a  good 
appetite  for  breakfast.  After  the  morning's 
meal  I  settled  myself  down  to  the  enjoyment  of  a 


i3o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

cigar.  At  that  stage  of  the  game  I  could  not  af- 
ford to  be  seen  smoking  a  pipe.  Never  give  your 
poverty  away  to  the  world  unless  you  can  make 
final  disposition  of  it.  Then  came  the  real  task — 
the  crisis." 

"The  tug  of  war,  eh?" 

"Just  so.  The  tug  of  war,  so  to  speak.  I 
braced  the  landlord !  I  invited  him  to  take  a  chair 
beside  me  and  began  the  siege." 

"Commenced  operations.     Fire  away." 

"I  had  already  made  a  study  of  the  man,  and 
had  well  considered  my  plan  of  attack.  I  opened 
by  telling  him  frankly  I  was  in  trouble.  The 
week's  business  had  been  bad,  receipts  next  door 
to  nothing,  my  share  slim.  To  make  a  long  story 
short,  I  confessed  I  could  not  settle  my  bill." 

"That  must  have  been  an  interesting  communi- 
cation for  mine  host  of  the  inn.  How  did  he  take 
it?" 

"Well,  his  reception  of  the  information  some- 
what surprised  me.  I  anticipated  a  storm;  but  no. 
He  was  perfectly  calm.  I  waited  for  a  reply,  but 
he  simply  remarked,  'Well?'  I  then  enlarged  on 
my  ill-luck,  bad  business,  terrible  weather,  and 
wound  up  with  a  pathetic  story  of  our  situation. 
'Well,'  he  again  exclaimed,  'I  will  hold  the  bag- 
gage and  stuff  until  you  can  settle  up.'  " 

"The  old,  old  story,"  plaintively  exclaimed 
Fogg. 

"I  felt  that  was  coming,  but  I  also  judged  from 
the  manner  of  that  decision,  cold  as  it  was  in  all 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  131 

the  integrity  of  its  meaning,  that  I  had  a  practical 
man  to  deal  with.  Take  my  word  for  it,  Fogg,  it 
is  always  better  to  have  business  dealings  with  a 
man  of  that  type  than  with  one  who,  while  he 
loads  you  up  with  sympathy  to  beat  the  band, 
doesn't  mean  a  word  of  it.  To  settle  there  and 
then  for  board  and  get  our  things  out  of  quaran- 
tine was  out  of  the  question;  to  attempt  to  play 
our  next  stand  without  our  'props'  and  things  was 
equally  difficult." 

"Of  course,  but  then,"  said  Fogg,  "hotelkeepers 
never  take  these  things  into  consideration." 

"No,  never.  'Mr.  Breadland' — that  was  his 
name — 'I  have  a  proposition  to  make,'  said  I, 
'and  as  you  seem  to  be  a  practical  man,  you  will, 
I  have  an  idea,  recognize  its  practicability.  The 
situation  is  this :  I  owe  you  money.  The  amount 
I  am  unable  to  pay  just  now.  You  say  you  pro- 
pose to  hold  on  to  the  baggage  belonging  to  the 
company  as  security  for  the  debt.' 

'  'You  state  the  case  precisely,'  said  he. 

"  'Now,  then,'  I  continued,  'the  stuff  you  pro- 
pose to  seize  you  don't  want,  and  you  only  mean 
to  hold  the  things  as  security  for  the  payment  of 
the  board  bill — an  honest  debt.'  He  nodded  his 
head  while  he  scrutinized  me  closely.  'Now,  what 
would  you  say  if  I  could  point  out  a  way  to  you 
by  which  you  could  still  have  security  for  the  in- 
debtedness, I  could  have  the  baggage  and  things, 
and  you  get  the  money  owing  to  you?' 

"'My  friend,'  said  he,  'I  don't  want  to  hold 


i32  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

your  stuff.  It's  no  earthly  use  to  me.  I  only  want 
the  coin  that's  due  me.  If  you  can  show  or  point 
out  to  me  any  feasible  plan  by  which  that  end  may 
be  reached,  I  rather  think  you  and  I  may  come  to 
terms.' 

"  'I  guess  I  can.  To  be  sure  it  may  cause  you 
personally  some  little  inconvenience  for  a  few 
days,  but  the  scheme  will  work  out  all  right.' 

"  'Let  me  hear  it,'  says  he,  looking  me  squarely 
in  the  face. 

'"It  is  this:  We  are  billed  to  play  Monday 
night  in  Bungtown.  The  chances  are  we  will  have 
a  big  house  for  the  opening.  We  stay  there  three 
nights.  Now,  then,  my  proposition  is  that  you  send 
your  clerk  along  with  the  company;  I  will  place 
him  in  the  box  office,  where  he  will  have  control 
of  the  receipts,  and  each  night  after  the  show  is 
over  he  can  take  for  you  a  percentage  of  the  share 
coming  to  me,  and  continue  to  do  so  at  each  per- 
formance until  your  bill  is  all  paid.  How  does  it 
strike  you?'  Well,  sir,  it  set  that  countryman 
a-thinking  and  pulling  his  whiskers  so  vigorously 
that  I  feared  his  goatee  would  give  way.  I  knew 
almost  to  a  dead  certainty  that  I  had  won.  The 
man,  Fogg,  who  hesitates  gives  way  in  the  end, 
always. 

"Breadland  reflected  a  minute,  then  spoke  out : 
Til  do  it,'  he  said.  '  'Tis  about  the  easiest  and 
safest  way  of  getting  hunk.' 

"  'One  thing  more,  Mr.  Breadland,'  I  added, 
when  I  felt  satisfied  that  luck  was  running  my  way. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  133 

" 'What  is  it?'  he  inquired. 

"  'The  hotel  bill,  as  you  are  aware,  is  made  out 
to  cover  all  charges  up  to  and  including  lunch  to- 
day. After  the  train  which  leaves  here  at  three 
this  afternoon  there  is  none  other  until  to-mor- 
row forenoon,  and  as  the  company  has  done  a 
deal  of  traveling  and  the  people  are  pretty  well 
tuckered  out,  a  day's  rest  and  a  good  night's  sleep 
would  not  be  amiss,  and  it  would  enable  us  to  give 
a  rattling  good  performance  to-morrow  night.' 

"  'I  agree  with  you,'  he  replied. 

"  'I  thought  so,  but  perhaps  I  didn't  make  my- 
self as  clear  as  I  might.  Your  good  nature,  how- 
ever, emboldens  me  to  respectfully  suggest' — and 
this  I  said  in  the  most  tender  and  convincing  man- 
ner I  could  employ — 'that  for  the  sake  of  art  and 
good  fellowship,  for  this  little  extra  hospitality 
you  make  no  addition  to  the  hotel  bill.  Let  it 
stand  as  it  is.'  " 

"What!"  exclaimed  Fogg,  in  open-mouthed 
wonder.  "Did  he  show  you  the  door?" 

"Not  a  bit  of  it.  I  told  you  he  was  a  plain, 
practical  kind  of  cuss,  with  a  tender  spot  in  his 
heart.  He  looked  at  me  with  a  calm,  queer,  but 
not  mischievous  twinkle  in  his  eye.  I  stood  the 
gaze  with  the  most  innocent  assumption  of  impu- 
dence, waiting  for  the  verdict.  It  came  in  a  mo- 
ment, accompanied  with  a  hearty  laugh  as  he  said: 
'By  jingo,  you  deserve  to  get  ahead!  You  won't 
fail  for  want  of  nerve.  It's  your  long  suit.  I'll 
have  to  go  you,'  or  words  to  that  effect.  'Come,' 


i34  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

he  said,  rising  from  his  chair,  Til  blow  you  off,' 
and  he  led  the  way  to  the  bar." 

"You  don't  mean  to  say  he  stood  treat  into  the 
bargain?"  asked  Fogg,  in  surprise. 

"Sure;  like  a  prince,  he  did;  and  what's  more, 
he  made  the  remainder  of  the  day  as  pleasant  as 
if  every  member  of  the  company  was  a  first- 
floorer,  paying  bridal-party  rates. 

"That  little  episode  made  me  very  solid  with 
my  company.  They  knew  the  actual  condition  of 
the  exchequer,  for  obvious  reasons,  and  wondered 
how  I  was  able  to  make  things  all  right  without 
the  necessary  wherewithal.  That's  management, 
my  boy.  They  never  considered  for  the  life  of 
them,  that  three-fourths  or  more  of  the  business 
of  the  world  is  managed  and  conducted  on  credit 
and  promises  to  pay.  I  was  merely  working  out 
the  principle  in  my  own  little  bit  of  a  way.  So 
the  day  passed  agreeably.  The  people  knew  that 
everything  in  the  hotel  was  all  right  and  that  I 
had  the  railroad  fares  snugly  stowed  away  in  my 
inside  pocket." 


CHAPTER   XVII 

"The  actors  are  at  hand;  and  by  their  show  you  shall  all 
know  that  you  are  like  to  know." — MIDSUMMER  NIGHT'S 
DREAM. 

"We  got  into  Bungtown  early  next  day.  I  went 
at  once  to  the  theatre.  There  I  was  happy  to 
learn  that  the  advance  sale  was  good  and  the  pros- 
pects for  the  evening's  performance  Ai.  We 
opened  to  a  full  house,  and  the  audience  appeared 
to  enjoy  the  entertainment.  The  following  even- 
ing did  not  pan  out  quite  so  well,  in  consequence 
of  a  torchlight  procession  through  the  streets  and 
a  big  Grand  Army  parade.  The  night  after — our 
farewell  performance.  Great  Scott!  A  rain- 
storm thinned  the  attendance  to  the  proportions  of 
a  fashionable  church  in  the  metropolis  during 
summer,  when  the  popular  preacher  is  absent  on 
vacation  abroad,  seeking  after  the  health  he  never 
lost.  How  I  felt  can  be  better  imagined  than 
described.  I  was  up  against  it  for  fair.  As  I 
told  you,  I  was  unable  to  settle  the  hotel  bill  at 
the  last  town,  and  in  addition  we  had  now  the 
handicap  of  an  extra  hotel  and  railroad  fare  for 
Breadland's  clerk,  who  according  to  agreement 
was  to  travel  with  the  show  until  the  whole  ac- 
count with  Breadland  was  squared  up." 

"The  prospects  were  not  encouraging." 

135 


136  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"No;  but  we  managed,  somehow  or  other,  to 
get  out  of  town;  though  when  everything  was 
fixed,  including  a  few  dollars  to  Breadland  on  ac- 
count, it  was  >a  close  shave.  Fortunately,  the  rail- 
road fares  to  our  next  stand  were  light  and  we 
had  three  days  there.  It  was  in  that  sylvan  re- 
treat by  the  flowing  river  we  nearly  met  our 
Waterloo.  Speak  of  bad  business.  It  was  some- 
thing weird." 

"Misfortune  and  you  must  have  been  running 
a  race." 

"Yes,  with  the  filly  away  in  the  lead.  But  we 
managed  to  play  right  on.  Sunday  morning  found 
me  once  more  hors  de  combat,  with  another  hotel 
bill  unpaid  and  an  almost  empty  treasury  to  meet 
it.  I  nearly  gave  up  in  despair.  Remembering, 
however,  that  despair  never  yet  pulled  a  man  out 
of  a  hole,  in  sheer  desperation  I  resolved  once 
more  to  fall  back  on  the  expedient  that  carried  us 
over  the  sea  of  troubles  that  beset  us  before  we 
reached  Bungtown." 

"Great  Heavens!  you  don't  mean  to  say  you 
proposed  to  carry  another  hotel  clerk  on  your 
staff?"  queried  Fogg. 

"I  had  to  do  something.  Necessity  is  the 
prompter  of  ingenuity,  and  the  suggestion  came 
from  that  source.  There  is  no  use  in  going  fur- 
ther into  detail.  I  convinced  the  landlord  and 
secured  another  secretary  of  the  treasury  to  look 
after  the  income,  and  we  got  out  of  town  next 
morning  as  happy  as  clams  at  high  water.  Well, 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  137 

without  mincing  matters,  I  must  say  we  had  as 
rough  a  road  to  travel  any  band  of  poor  strolling 
Thespians  ever  struck." 

"Misfortune  still  in  the  lead?" 

"I  should  say  so.  Listen.  We  ran  into  the 
Gulf  Stream  of  a  red-hot  political  campaign,  and 
I  needn't  tell  you  these  torchlight  processions,  fire- 
work displays,  and  fife  and  drum  corps  knock  the 
life  out  of  the  show  business.  Where  we  made 
a  few  dollars  in  one  place  we  dropped  them  in 
another.  Had  it  not  been  for  a  small  reserve 
fund  I  had  carefully  treasured  up  for  extra  haz- 
ardous emergencies  and  my  peculiar  talent  and 
diplomacy  in  dealing  with  hotel  men,  I  verily  be- 
lieve it  would  have  taken  us  all  the  winter  to 
have  reached  a  hospitable  haven  of  relief,  for  the 
walking  was  wretched  and  Western  railroad  ties 
too  far  apart  for  decent  pedestrianism." 

"By  Jove!"  smiled  Fogg,  "you  must  have  had 
an  anxious  time  from  the  word  go." 

"Oh,  that  goes  without  saying.  I  managed  to 
pull  through  and  reached  good  warm-hearted  Chi- 
cago with  nine  hotel  clerks  on  my  staff,  all  acting 
as  treasurers,  assistant  treasurers,  auditors,  ticket- 
sellers,  bookkeepers  and  financial  agents,  each  one 
wondering  why  the  box  office  department  was  re- 
ceiving accessions  to  its  ranks  in  the  face  of  such 
bad  business." 

"An'  did  they  never  tumble  to  the  little  joker?" 

"Well,  I  candidly  admit  it  required  the  exercise 


i3 8  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

of  considerable  tact  to  keep  them  in  complete  ig- 
norance of  the  true  situation." 

"Of  that  I  have  not  the  slightest  doubt." 

Handy  was  silent  a  moment. 

"Fogg,  did  you  ever  worry  over  a  promoter's 
prospectus  of  a  proposed  financial  scheme  pre- 
pared for  the  edification  of  the  public  with  the 
laudable  intention  of  separating  people  from  their 
money?" 

"Some,"  answered  Fogg,  slightly  mystified  at 
the  change  Handy  had  given  to  the  conversation. 

"That  being  the  case,  you  can  call  to  mind  how 
eloquently  the  promoter  labors  to  convince  pros- 
pective investors  how  they  can  get  in  on  the  ground 
floor  and  lay  the  foundation  of  a  fortune  to  be 
made  out  of  a  hole  in  the  ground?" 

"I've  heard  of  such  things." 

"Do  you  know  how  it  was  done?" 

"Search  me." 

"Well,  I,  too,  can  do  a  little  in  that  line  my- 
self. I  did  some  of  the  most  expert  word  paint- 
ing to  my  assistant  financial  agents  or  their  repre- 
sentatives and  held  them  together  and  in  good 
fellowship  until  I  reached  my  harbor." 

"If  the  question  is  not  an  indelicate  one,"  said 
Fogg  hesitatingly,  "might  I  inquire  if  you  ever 
paid  up?" 

"Every  dollar,"  quickly  responded  Handy. 
"When  we  reached  Chicago  we  struck  smooth 
water  and  entered  upon  a  prosperous  sea  for  four 
weeks.  Money  fairly  poured  into  our  coffers. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  139 

One  by  one  I  sent  each  hotel  clerk  back  to  his 
employer,  with  a  check  for  the  money  I  owed  him 
in  his  pocket  and  a  receipted  bill  in  mine.  I 
squared  up  with  every  one  I  was  indebted  to.  You 
know  when  we  make  money  we  make  it  fast." 

"And  part  with  it  as  readily,"  added  his  friend. 

"That  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  case,  my  boy. 
Now,  let  me  ask  you  if  you  think  I  told  you  this 
moving  tale  of  ups  and  downs  for  the  mere  fun 
of  its  recital,  do  you?" 

"Well,  partly  fun,  kill  time,  and  partly  to  a — 
a— a " 

"Yes,  go  on.  Partly  to  a — a — a what? 

Why  don't  you  finish  the  sentence?" 

"To  illustrate  the  principle  of  a  novel  way  to 
pay  old  debts,  eh?" 

"Right  you  are,"  replied  Handy  emphatically. 
"And  let  me  add,  so  far  as  you  are  personally 

concerned "  For  the  first  time  during  the 

narration  he  looked  thoroughly  in  earnest. 

"I'm  listening." 

"When  you  ever  get  in  a  bad  box  or  are  up 
against  it,  don't  lay  down  and  brood  over  the 
hardship,  but  set  to  work  with  a  will  to  get  square 
with  your  troubles  as  becomes  a  man." 


CHAPTER   XVIII 

"Twinkle,  twinkle,  little  star, 
How  I  wonder  what  you  are." — NURSERY  RHYMES. 

Three  weeks  after  "The  Lady  of  Lyons"  epi- 
sode Handy  was  once  more  in  harness  and 
equipped  for  the  stage.  He  had  captured  what  is 
technically  known  ias  "an  angel"  and  was  fairly 
well  provided  for  another  brief  campaign.  His 
friend  Smith  was  engaged  to  accompany  him  and 
to  officiate  as  general  utility  man  in  the  broadest 
sense  of  the  term.  Fogg,  who  had  been  instru- 
mental in  lassoing  the  "angel,"  was  engaged  to  be 
leading  man  of  the  new  organization.  An  "an- 
gel" is  one  of  those  peculiar  individuals  who  have 
stage  aspirations,  with  money  to  burn;  is  ambi- 
tious to  act,  or  try  to,  then  fret  a  brief  season 
behind  the  footlights,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten 
fails  and  is  never  heard  of  more.  The  "angel" 
is  generally  a  woman  with  a  "friend."  Her  stock 
in  trade  to  embark  in  an  arduous  profession  re- 
quiring talent,  industry,  patience,  intelligence,  per- 
severance, and  self-reliance  consists  chiefly  in  a 
good  wardrobe,  cheek,  self-assurance,  vanity,  and 
ready  cash. 

It  is  a  well-known  fact  that  the  capital  stock  of 
an  "angel"  melts,  thaws,  and  resolves  itself  into 

140 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  141 

disappointment  after  she  has  had  a  short  prac- 
tical experience  on  the  boards.  The  exacting  de- 
mands of  the  theatrical  calling  dims  the  luster 
that  lured  the  deluded  one  recklessly  to  enter  the 
seemingly  attractive  circle,  to  appear  as  the  make- 
believe  heroines  of  romance  on  the  stage.  A  few 
weeks — perhaps  not  so  long — at  one  of  the  theat- 
rical factories  to  be  found  in  nearly  all  of  the 
large  cities  where  Juliets  are  prepared  at  short 
notice,  Camilles  manufactured  for  immediate  use, 
and  actors  in  every  department  of  the  calling  are 
turned  out  by  some  superfluous  veteran  of  the 
stage  at  so  much  per  lesson,  generally  in  advance, 
fits  the  aspirant  for  a  debut  on  a  starring  tour. 
How  many  enterprises  of  this  character  have 
started  out,  with  thousands  of  dollars  to  back 
them,  too,  and  returned  to  the  city  with  rudely 
dispelled  hopes  iand  empty  purses,  it  is  difficult 
to  estimate.  Every  season  brings  forth  a  fresh 
crop.  The  industry  has  grown  with  the  times, 
and  the  appetite  for  theatric  fame  has  not  in  the 
least  diminished.  The  number  of  fallen  "angels" 
scattered  throughout  the  country  would  cut  a  re- 
spectable figure  in  a  statistical  report. 

It  is  only  a  few  short  years  ago,  in  one  of  the 
leading  theatres  of  the  country,  a  playhouse  which 
was  subsequently  trampled  out  of  existence  by  the 
march  of  trade,  that  five  Juliets  to  one  Romeo 
made  an  afternoon  pitiful  by  the  incongruity  of 
the  representation  of  one  of  the  sweetest  plays  of 
the  immortal  bard.  Every  act  introduced  a  fresh 


1 42  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

Juliet,  as  if  to  demonstrate  the  unfitness  of  each 
aspirant  to  present  adequately  even  the  slightest 
phase  of  a  character  which  requires  the  art  of  a 
consummate  artist  to  interpret  properly. 

Much  has  been  said  and  written  about  the  un- 
worthiness  of  traveling  companies  in  the  country 
towns.  While  much  of  this  may  be  true,  even  in 
the  large  cities  as  absurd  exhibitions  of  acting  may 
be  witnessed  as  anywhere  else.  No  one  knew  this 
better  than  Handy.  To  give  him  his  due,  he  was 
usually  careful  in  the  selection  of  his  companies. 
He  never  went  halfway  to  work  about  it.  When 
he  desired  to  organize  a  troupe  he  endeavored  to 
gather  about  him  the  best  from  his  point  of  view. 

"Indifferent  and  bumptious  actors,"  said  Handy 
to  a  friend,  "are  always  looking  for  what  they  call 
big  money.  Their  seasons,  therefore,  are  short. 
They  learn  nothing  from  experience.  They  know 
it  all.  Yet  they  will  hang  on  the  ragged  edge  of 
starvation  for  weeks  rather  than  come  down  in 
what  they  are  pleased  to  name  as  their  figures.  A 
really  good  actor  has  little  difficulty  in  securing 
an  engagement  at  >a  reasonable  salary.  I  know 
them,  and  they  can't  fool  your  uncle." 

It  must  be  admitted  that  Handy's  experience  in 
this  line  was  somewhat  extensive.  To  go  into  the 
detail  of  advance  work  and  rehearsals  is  unneces- 
sary. They  may  be  left  to  the  reader's  imagina- 
tion. They  are,  therefore,  passed  over  in  order 
to  get  more  quickly  to  the  opening  night  and  the 
birth  and  death  of  a  star. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  143 

"Camilla"  was  the  drama  in  which  the  "angel" 
decided  to  make  her  debut.  The  aspiring  ama- 
teur, if  a  woman,  generally  makes  choice  of  "La 
Dame  aux  Camellias."  Why  she  does  so,  if  not 
to  bring  to  her  aid  a  display  of  rich  and  elaborate 
costumes,  it  is  difficult  to  say.  In  making  such 
selection  she  unconsciously  contrasts  the  posses- 
sion of  rich  silk  and  satin  frocks,  together  with 
valuable  jewels,  with  the  poverty  of  her  histrionic 
resources. 

The  little  town  of  Weston  was  the  place  se- 
lected as  the  scene  of  operations.  The  advance 
man,  or  press  agent,  had  played  his  part  well. 
"Camille"  met  the  eye  on  every  fence  and  blank 
wall  in  the  place.  Dodgers  literally  floated  in  the 
air  and  the  town  was  so  adorned  with  snipes  that 
the  uninitiated  might  reasonably  conclude  that 
paper  costs  nothing  and  printers  worked  for  fun. 
To  Handy's  indefatigable  exertions  this  was  in  a 
great  measure  due.  Three  nights  he  devoted  to 
the  work,  and  actually  painted  Weston  red  with 
"Camille." 

"If  you  want  to  have  a  thing  done  well,"  he 
exclaimed,  "you  must  do  it  yourself  or  see  per- 
sonally that  it  is  done.  There  is  no  use  in  having 
printing  unless  you  get  it  up  where  the  public  can 
see  it.  Billposters  are  peculiar  people.  They 
are  in  certain  respects  economical,  and  they  have 
their  own  peculiar  ideas  of  saving.  That  per- 
haps is  the  reason  why  you  see  so  few  posters 
stuck  up  for  public  edification  and  so  many  of 


i44  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

them  stowed  away  somewhere  on  out-of-the-way 
shelves  in  bill-posters'  studios.  They  are  queer 
fellows,  these  bill-posters.  I've  never  been  able 
to  understand  them.  I've  been,  in  various  capaci- 
ties, with  many  theatrical  companies  that  were 
amply  supplied  with  all  kinds  of  printing  to  start 
out  with,  but  when  I  went  about  town  where  we 
played  looking  for  it  I  had  to  search  pretty 
closely  to  find  where  it  was  pasted  up.  I  there- 
fore, in  this  case,  determined  to  pay  personal  at- 
tention to  that  part  of  the  business  myself."  This 
information  or  explanation  was  imparted  to 
Camille  through  Fogg,  by  the  way  of  ta  pre- 
liminary endorsement  of  Handy's  remarkable 
energy. 

Fogg  was  enthusiastic  in  praise  of  the  man- 
ager's clever  publicity  display. 

"I  never  saw  a  town  so  well  billed  in  my  life," 
said  he,  "and  as  you  know,  Mr.  Handy,  I  have 
had  some  experience  in  such  matters.  Don't  you 
agree  with  me,  Miss  De  la  Rue?"  The  last  in- 
quiry was  addressed  to  the  "angel"  star,  who 
was  standing  by  his  side,  apparently  as  nervous 
and  fidgetty  as  if  she  was  about  to  undergo  an 
examination  in  a  law  court. 

"Yes,  indeed;  I  think  the  place  is  awfully  well 
done,"  she  replied,  rather  timidly,  "but  I  didn't 
notice  as  many  of  my  lithos  around  as  I  ex- 
pected." 

"What!"  replied  the  manager  in  surprise. 
"Why,  there  ain't  a  saloon  or  cigar  shop  that 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  145 

hain't  got  them  up.  I  know,  for  I've  been  in  all 
of  'em." 

Handy  spoke  the  truth.  It  is  a  fact  that  cigar 
shops  and  liquor  stores  are  the  principal  galleries 
in  which  the  pictorial  printing  of  theatrical  celebri- 
ties and  theatrical  combinations  are  placed  on  ex- 
hibition. There  is  more  money  thrown  away  use- 
lessly in  such  places,  in  the  way  of  expensive  print- 
ing and  lithographs,  than  managers  seem  to  re- 
alize. Even  some  of  the  shrewdest  men  in  the 
business  are  not  altogether  free  from  the  weak- 
ness of  adorning  these  establishments  with  high- 
priced  pictorial  work.  The  practice  at  one  time 
had  at  least  the  merit  of  novelty,  but  since  it  has 
become  a  regular  thing  it  has  lost  much  of  its 
efficacy  and  ceased  to  be  remunerative.  But  what 
is  the  use  of  objecting?  Stars  would  be  nothing 
more  than  mere  rushlights  if  the  highly  colored 
lithos  did  not  proclaim  their  prominence  in  the 
theatrical  firmament  to  those  who  are  ever  ready 
to  pledge  women  in  song  or  story  in  the  flowing 
bowl.  Of  course,  in  the  interest  of  art. 

"Do  you  think,  Mr.  Handy,  that  we  shall  have 
a  good  house?"  inquired  the  "angel,"  as  she  stood 
on  the  stage  before  the  performance,  in  a  highly 
nervous,  hesitating  manner.  "I  should  dislike  to 
appear  before  a  small  audience;  it  is  so  discour- 
aging, you  know,  to  an  artist." 

"A  good  house?"  echoed  the  optimistic  man- 
ager. "We'll  turn  'em  away,  and  you  can  bank 
on  it,"  he  replied,  with  an  air  of  confidence  that 


i46  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

reassured  the  bird  of  paradise  and  brought  a 
smile  to  her  face. 

"I'm  so  glad  to  hear  you  say  so!  But  I'm 
ashamed  to  admit  it.  But  to  you,  of  course,  as 
my  manager,  I  may  confide  and  confess  I  feel 
awfully  nervous." 

"Happy  to  hear  you  tell  me  so,  miss.  Remem- 
ber 'One  thing,  that  all  them  as  amounts  to  any- 
thing are  taken  that  way  on  a  first  night.  For 
instance,  take  Sarah  Bernhardt.  Well,  she's  a 
holy  terror  on  a  first  night.  There's  Francis  Wil- 
son— well,  it  isn't  safe  to  be  near  him  when  he 
comes  off  the  stage  of  a  first  night.  Then  there's 
Joe  Murphy,  the  great  Irish  comedian;  when  he 
plays  a  part,  it  is  said,  he  becomes  so  nervous 
that  he  goes  about  giving  every  member  of  his 
company  a  ten-dollar  bill.  Sir  Henry  Irving  was 
another  of  those  so  affected  that  he  wanted  to 
make  a  speech  to  the  audience  after  every  act, 
and  only  for  the  restraining  influence  of  Bram 
Stoker,  he  would.  Charley  Wyndham,  now  Sir 
Charles,  makes  himself  believe  he  is  an  incarna- 
tion of  David  Garrick.  Nat  Goodwin  is  that 
nervous  of  a  first  night  that  he  wants  to  play  'Mac- 
beth' with  Maude  Adams  as  Lady  Macbeth  the 
next  time  he  produces  a  new  piece.  All  the  re- 
sult of  nervousness,  I  assure  you.  I  am  affected 
that  way  myself  on  every  first  performance  I 
appear  in.  It  is,  strange  to  say,  the  greatest  evi- 
dence we  have  of  the  possession  of  that  gift  of 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  147 

what  is  regarded  as  genius.  That's  what's  the 
matter!" 

"You  really  think  so?  Oh,  it  is  so  consoling 
to  hear  you  say  so!  I  feel  easier  in  my  mind 
after  you  telling  me  and  placing  me  on  the  same 
footing  with  the  great  ones  of  our  profession. 
I'll  go  and  dress  now." 

The  "angel"  star  hurried  off  to  her  dressing- 
room.  Smith,  from  among  the  manifold  duties 
he  was  called  upon  to  perform,  had  just  returned 
from  the  front  of  the  'house,  where  he  had  been 
looking  after  things,  as  he  himself  put  it.  He 
approached  Handy  and  in  an  enthusiastic  manner 
informed  him  he  thought  the  capacity  of  the  house 
would  be  tested. 

"Oh,  that  won't  surprise  me,"  replied  Handy. 
"Give  me  'Camille'  every  time  for  a  country  au- 
dience, providing  the  billing  is  all  right.  'Camille' 
is  old  enough  to  be  young." 

"Do  you  think  we're  going  to  give  a  good 
show?" 

"As  to  that,  I'll  speak  to  you  later  on.  That's 
another  proposition.  Now,  then,  get  a  move  on 
you.  Hurry  up  and  dress,  and  above  all  things, 
see  that  your  props  are  all  right." 

Smith  was  property  man  as  well  as  prompter — 
two  important  offices  which  in  any  well-regulated 
theatrical  company  would  require  the  services  of 
two  men.  In  addition  to  these,  'he  undertook  to 
double  a  couple  of  the  minor  parts.  He  was  an 
old  hand  at  the  work,  and  doubling  and  trebling 


i48  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

did  not  in  the  slightest  disturb  him.  He  was  not 
always  as  careful  as  he  should  be  in  the  matter  of 
detail,  and  in  several  instances  his  attempts  at  fak- 
ing did  not  pan  out  as  he  originally  planned  them. 


CHAPTER   XIX 

"Experience  is  a  great  book,  the  events  of  life  its  chapters." 
— SAINTE-BEUVE. 

By  eight  o'clock  the  house  was  well  filled.  The 
signboard  bearing  the  legend,  "Standing  Room 
Only"  was  put  out  in  front  to  catch  a  few  more. 
It  was  such  an  audience  as  would  make  any  man- 
ager's heart  rejoice.  The  curtain  rose  promptly 
on  the  first  act.  To  say  the  act  went  off  tamely 
would  be  simply  admitting  the  truth.  Camille 
was  not  only  uncertain  in  her  lines,  but  she  was 
suffering  from  a  bad  attack  of  stage  fright.  Were 
it  not  for  extraordinary  exertions  on  the  part  of 
the  principal  members  of  the  company — a  confi- 
dence acquired  of  long  experience — the  star  of 
the  evening  would  have  twinkled  out  of  existence 
and  "Camille"  would  have  been  presented  in  one 
act  instead  of  five.  The  unfortunate  "angel"  real- 
ized for  the  first  time  in  her  life,  possibly,  that  the 
calling  she  had  selected  to  adopt  was  not  all  her 
fancy  had  painted  it.  The  so-called  coaching  and 
training  she  had  paid  for  proved  of  little  or  no 
practical  value.  She  was  Camille  only  in  costume 
— if  in  that;  the  Camille  of  the  dressmaker — noth- 
ing more.  The  audience,  moreover,  were  not 
slow  in  recognizing  this  fact  also.  That  day  has 

149 


1 50  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

gone  by,  apparently,  when  tyros  may  sally  forth 
from  the  city  and  win  country  audiences  with  fine 
dresses,  pretty  faces,  cheek,  and  inexperience.  The 
theatre-going  public  knows  the  trick.  The  days 
of  such  barn-storming  are  passing  away. 

Mr.  Fogg,  who  was  the  Armand,  did  not  make 
a  profound  impression.  The  part  suited  him  like 
an  ill-fitted  garment,  and  he  felt  it.  The  realiza- 
tion of  that  fact  -took  all  the  vim  out  of  him.  If 
the  real  truth  was  known,  he,  no  doubt,  wished 
himself  back  in  his  little  second-story  back  in  the 
big  city,  gossiping  of  what  he  might,  but  could  not, 
do  if  'he  had  the  chance.  Handy  was  cast  for  the 
part  of  the  Count  de  Varville.  He  was  not  great 
in  the  character,  but  he  could  wrestle  with  it.  Was 
there  a  role  in  the  whole  range  of  the  English 
drama  he  would  decline  to  take  a  fall  >out  of  if 
circumstances  demanded? 

"Say,  you'll  have  to  throw  more  ginger  into  the 
part,  old  fellow,"  said  Handy,  as  the  hero  of  the 
carmine  blouse  of  benefit  memory  walked  across 
the  stage,  looking  very  disconsolate  after  the  first 
act.  Neither  he  nor  the  star  received  the  slightest 
applause  during  their  scenes. 

"Wait  until  the  fourth  act,  the  great  act  of 
the  piece,"  replied  Fogg,  "and  I'll  fetch  'em.  You 
just  watch  me." 

"All  ready  for  the  second  act,"  cried  out  the 
call-boy.  A  few  seconds  later  the  curtain  went  up 
and  the  play  proceeded.  Nothing  of  particular 
moment  transpired  during  the  act.  The  audience 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  151 

sat  through  it  as  tamely  as  if  listening  to  a  funeral 
sermon.  Camille  was  painfully  tame;  Armand 
as  harmless  a  lover  as  any  respectable  parent 
could  desire.  The  remainder  of  the  cast,  influ- 
enced, no  doubt,  by  the  shortcomings  of  the  prin- 
cipals, became  listless  and  merely  walked  through 
their  parts  as  they  spoke  their  lines. 

At  the  close  of  the  act  a  number  of  people  left 
the  house.  They  evidently  had  had  enough  and 
did  not  care  for  more.  The  "angel"  also  had  had 
enough  of  "Camille,"  and  wished  the  whole  thing 
was  over.  Fogg  also  had  had  enough  of  Armand, 
and  mentally  avowed  that  never  again  would  he 
undertake  a  stage  lover  to  an  "angel"  without 
experience.  In  passing,  it  may  be  added  that  an 
experienced  "angel"  would  not  accept  Fogg  for  a 
Claude  at  any  price.  Handy  'had  enough 'of  both 
of  them,  with  something  to  spare.  In  despera- 
tion he  even  expressed  regret  he  did  not  have  a 
hack  at  Armand  himself  and  infuse  some  life  into 
it.  If  he  had  there  would  have  been  fun,  for 
Handy's  lovers  were  fearfully  and  wonderfully 
made. 

The  third  act  passed  pretty  much  as  the  two 
preceding  acts,  only  more  so,  with  fewer  people 
in  the  house  to  see  it.  A  number  of  noticeable 
yawns  evidenced  the  frame  of  mind  of  those  who 
remained. 

The  curtain  went  up  on  the  fourth  act — that  in 
which  Fogg  was  going  to  do  something.  He  had 
in  the  meantime  been  bracing  up.  When  he  made 


1 52  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

his  entry  and  spoke,  his  manner  of  speech  was 
somewhat  thick,  but  his  acting  was  more  ener- 
getic. Fogg  never  could  take  anything  stimulat- 
ing without  its  going  to  his  head,  and  as  his  brain 
exercised  a  peculiar  influence  over  other  members 
of  his  body,  they  all  contributed  their  aid  to  illus- 
trating his  actual  condition.  He  at  length  ap- 
peared to  wake  up  to  the  actualities  of  the  situa- 
tion. So  had  Camille,  so  had  the  Count  de  Var- 
ville,  and  so  had  the  audience — particularly  the 
audience.  Fogg  strenuously  warmed  up.  The 
first  genuine  manifestation  on  the  part  of  the  au- 
dience occurred  when  Armand,  rising  from  the 
card-table  and  making  a  stage  crossing,  caught  his 
foot  in  a  hole  in  the  carpet,  caromed  against  the 
card-table,  upset  it,  and  measured  his  length  on 
the  boards.  The  audience  burst  into  laughter. 
Audiences  really  enjoy  such  contretemps,  cruel  as 
such  accidents  or  mishaps  may  be  to  the  luckless 
player.  Fogg  arose  and,  wisely  affecting  not  to 
notice  the  storm  in  front  of  the  footlights,  con- 
tinued the  scene.  At  length  the  moment  was 
reached  for  him  to  shower  gold  on  Camille,  and 
by  such  insult  endeavor  to  provoke  a  quarrel  with 
de  Varville.  Hastily  and  clumsily  drawing  forth 
the  property  purse  or  bag  of  coin  which  Smith 
had  prepared,  he  burst  the  fastening  and  show- 
ered the  contents  on  the  unfortunate  Camille. 
Lo  and  behold!  the  property  coin  proved  to  be 
medium-sized  brass  buttons  with  long  shanks.  A 
far-sighted  humorist  among  the  audience  caught 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  153 

sight  of  them  and,  with  utter  disregard  of  the 
diamatic  situation  and  ignoring  the  consequences 
of  his  interference,  unloosed  his  tongue  and  in  a 
peculiar  treble  voice  called  out: 

"Button,  button;  who  has  the  button?" 

The  audience  caught  the  ill-timed  humor  of  the 
situation,  Camille  nearly  collapsed,  and  the  people 
on  the  stage  with  considerable  difficulty  restrained 
themselves  from  taking  part  in  the  prevailing 
hilarity.  It  was  some  time  before  the  slightest 
semblance  of  order  could  be  restored  in  front. 
Eventually,  when  something  like  quiet  was  re- 
stored, the  act  was  played  to  a  finish,  in  a  some- 
what fitful  and  highly  nervous  manner. 

Behind  the  curtain  there  was  a  very  lively  con- 
dition of  things.  Armand  was  furious;  Camille 
was  engaged  in  giving  a  practical  demonstration 
of  hysterical  stunts.  She  declared  she  would  not 
go  on  any  more.  She  was  going  to  quit  right 
there  and  then.  It  required  all  of  Handy's  per- 
suasive eloquence  to  prevail  on  her  to  finish  the 
performance.  Camille  seemed  to  be  firm  in  her 
resolve. 

''  'Tis  only  the  dying  scene,"  urged  Handy. 
"It's  dead  easy,  and  the  merit  of  it  is  that  it  is 
the  best  act  of  all  for  you.  Only  for  those  un- 
fortunate buttons  everything  would  have  gone  off 
all  serene.  We  were  getting  into  the  spirit  of  the 
thing  when  the  mishap  broke  everything  all  up. 
I'll  kill  that  blithering  property  man  when  I  lay 
hands  on  him." 


154  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

Fogg  had  already  started  on  the  warpath  after 
Smith,  but  Smith,  having  an  intuitive  knowledge 
that  a  meeting  between  himself  and  his  leading 
man  would  result  in  strained  relations,  and  not 
doubting  for  an  instant  that  discretion  is  the  better 
part  of  valor,  beat  a  hasty  retreat  from  the 
theatre,  costumed  and  made  up  as  he  was,  not 
even  remaining  long  enough  to  wash  the  make-up 
from  his  face. 

It  was  debatable  for  several  minutes  whether 
the  "angel"  would  finish  Camille  or  some  -oblig- 
ing member  of  the  company  would  undertake  the 
job.  None  of  the  ladies  appeared  ambitious  to 
shuffle  off  the  mortal  coil  of  the  Lady  of  the  Camel- 
lias. Finally,  after  a  successful  siege  of  coaxing, 
pleading,  imploring,  and  entreating  on  the  part  of 
Handy,  the  "angel"  consented.  The  curtain  went 
up.  Camille,  under  the  circumstances,  did  the 
best  she  could  in  speaking  the  lines.  An  occasional 
titter  from  the  audience  conveyed  only  too  plainly 
the  information  that  the  button  incident  was  not 
yet  forgotten.  Notwithstanding,  poor  Camille 
struggled  bravely  on.  It  was  uphill  work,  but  she 
persevered.  At  length  the  fateful  moment  ar- 
rived for  Armand  to  make  his  entrance.  No 
sooner  did  he  set  his  foot  on  the  stage  in  view  of 
the  audience  then  again  the  voice  of  the  serio- 
comic humorist  in  front,  in  the  same  weird  tone, 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  155 

was,  it  must  have  been  drowned  in  the  laughter 
of  the  assemblage. 

"Ring  down  the  curtain,"  piteously  pleaded 
Camille  in  an  undertone  from  her  deathbed. 

Handy  stood  in  the  wings,  ready  for  any  emer- 
gency likely  to  turn  up,  and  in  a  very  audible 
prompt  whisper  replied:  "Go  on,  go  on  with  the 
scene.  Die  as  fast  as  you  can.  Don't  give  them 
any  fancy  dying  frills,  but  croak  at  once  and  have 
done  with  it." 

Whether  the  people  in  front  overheard  the 
manager's  imperative  prompting  or  that  the  echo 
of  "button"  was  still  ringing  in  their  ears,  the 
death  scene  of  Camille  was  presented  as  it  had 
never  been  before — with  peals  of  laughter.  Ca- 
mille made  a  final  effort,  and  then  fell  back  on  the 
bed.  There  was  something  in  the  realistic  man- 
ner of  the  act  that  caught  the  quick  perception  of 
the  audience.  The  people  on  the  stage  also  were 
attracted  by  it,  and  they  gathered  about  the  fallen 
star.  The  curtain  was  rung  down  on  the  double- 
quick.  The  poor  girl  remained  motionless  in  the 
position  she  had  fallen.  The  effort  had  proven 
too  much,  the  strain  too  great — she  had  been 
completely  overcome,  had  broken  down  and  col- 
lapsed. 

Handy  and  Fogg  later  in  the  night  were  seated 
together  in  a  little  back  room  of  the  hotel.  Fogg 
was  crestfallen — Handy  thoughtful.  Only  a  slight 
exchange  of  conversation  passed  between  them. 
At  length  the  silence  was  broken. 


156  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Fogg,"  asked  Handy,  "do  you  believe  in  a 
hereafter?" 

"What  a  singular  question." 

"Never  mind  about  its  singularity.     Do  you?" 

"Certainly  I  do." 

"In  heaven,  and  all  that  kind  of  thing?" 

"Yes." 

"Then  take  a  friend's  advice.  Never  again 
undertake  the  support  of  an  'angel'  until  you  reach 
heaven.  They  have  no  buttons  there." 

The  humor  was  wasted  on  Fogg.  He  was  too 
humiliated  to  relish  any  kind  of  a  joke.  After 
lingering  a  short  time,  he  retired.  The  veteran 
remained  thoughtful,  taking  some  consolation 
from  his  briarwood  and  a  steaming  hot  Scotch. 
For  some  minutes  he  continued  in  what  for  some 
reason  or  other  is  known  as  a  brown  study.  How 
long  he  might  have  continued  in  that  condition  it 
is  not  necessary  to  speculate  on.  A  tap  at  the 
window  aroused  him  from  his  revery.  He  glanced 
in  the  direction  from  whence  the  sound  came. 
There  'he  beheld  the  well-known  face  of  his  first 
lieutenant,  Smith.  He  motioned  Handy  to  come 
to  him.  Handy  was  too  comfortable  where  he 
was.  He  bade  Smith  come  right  in.  Smith  shook 
his  head  and  pantomimed  Handy  to  survey  his  get- 
up.  The  latter  recognized  the  situation,  swal- 
lowed the  contents  of  his  glass,  and  stepped  out- 
side. The  meeting  was  not  at  first  particularly 
cordial,  but  when  Handy  comprehended  the  pre- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  157 

dicament  in  which  his  friend  had  placed  himself 
he  laughed. 

"You're  a  beaut,  you  are.  It's  a  mighty  lucky 
thing  Fogg  didn't  catch  you,  let  me  tell  you.  If 
he  had,  it's  dollars  to  doughnuts  there  would  be 
a  funeral  in  the  Smith  family  in  the  near  future; 
and  what's  more,  you  wouldn't  have  a  word  as  to 
choice  of  vehicle  in  which  you  went  to  the  ceme- 
tery. But  say,  why  on  earth  are  you  masquerad- 
ing about  the  streets  in  that  get-up?" 

"Oh,  cut  all  that!"  replied  Smith,  "and  tell  me 
how  I'm  going  to  get  my  street  togs.  They  are 
in  the  dressing-room  at  the  theatre,  and  I  can't 
go  gallivanting  through  the  streets  in  this  rig.  Do 
you  want  to  have  me  pinched  and  locked  up,  eh?" 

"Didn't  you  come  from  there  in  'em?" 

"Sure  I  came  in  'em.  I  had  to.  I  would  have 
come  out  without  anything,  I  was  so  scared  of 
that  lunatic  Fogg.  But,  say,  you  got  through  with 
the  show  all  right." 

"Oh,  yes.  Oh,  yes !  We  got  through  with  the 
show  all — wrong,  but " 

"But  what?" 

"The  season  is  closed." 

"Closed!"  repeated  Smith  anxiously.  "You 
don't  mean  it?" 

"Yes,  but  I  do  mean  it.  The  game  is  up.  No 
more  'Camille.'  The  'angel'  has  fallen.  She  has 
had  all  the  starring  she  wants,  and  starts  heaven- 
wards to-morrow  on  the  Pennsylvania  limited  for 
the  Lord  knows  where." 


158  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"An'  Fogg — whither  goest  he?" 

"He  accompanies  her  as  a  kind  of  guardian 
angel." 

"An' — an' — a  —  the  —  salaries,  what  about 
them?" 

"They  remain." 

"With  whom?"  asked  Smith. 

"They  are  all  right.  The  'angel'  does  the  de- 
cent thing,  and  puts  up  for  the  entire  week." 

"An'  then " 

"Oh,  you  want  to  know  too  much!  Maybe  I 
will  try  and  fill  in  the  dates  myself.  I  don't  ex- 
actly know  yet,  but  for  mercy  sake,  come  in  with 
me  and  run  up  to  my  room,  wash  the  grease  paint 
and  make-up  off  your  mug,  and  I  will  let  you  have 
my  ulster  to  cover  you  while  you  go  back  to  the 
theatre  and  get  your  clothes." 

On  his  return,  Smith  rejoined  his  manager  and 
they  spent  the  night  together.  Next  morning 
Handy  was  up  early,  and  after  a  conference  with 
Miss  De  la  Rue  and  Mr.  Fogg  he  called  on  the 
landlord  and  settled  the  hotel  bill.  He  then  ac- 
companied the  "angel"  and  Fogg  to  the  station 
and  saw  them  both  safely  on  the  train.  The  lady 
resolved  to  abandon  all  histrionic  ambition,  and 
never  after  sought  the  fickle  fame  of  the  footlights, 
and  Fogg  ever  since  shows  an  affected  contempt 
for  anyone  who  sees  anything  to  laugh  at  over  the 
button  episode  of  his  extraordinary  one-night  sea- 
son with  the  "angel"  Camille. 


CHAPTER   XX 

I  am  not  an  imposter  that  proclaim 
Myself  against  the  level  of  my  aim. 

—ALL'S  WELL  THAT  ENDS  WELL. 

After  Handy  returned  to  the  hotel,  having 
parted  with  his  "angel"  and  his  star  at  the  station, 
the  first  man  he  met  was  his  landlord,  a  somewhat 
smart  and  shrewd,  speculative  individual,  who  was 
not  adverse  at  odd  times  to  trying  to  turn  an  hon- 
est penny  by  occasional  incursions  into  the  allur- 
ing and  fascinating  domain  of  speculation.  He 
had  a  weakness  for  the  theatre,  the  race-track,  the 
stock  market,  the  trotting  circuit,  etc.  He  was 
willing,  when  the  opportunity  presented  itself,  to 
put  a  trifle  into  any  of  these  hazards  by  way  of  a 
flyer,  as  he  termed  it,  provided  he  thought  he  saw 
a  chance  to  make  a  little  something  on  the  side. 
He  'had  already  made  a  small  stake  on  stocks,  se- 
cured a  fair  return  from  an  investment  in  oil,  and 
came  iout  about  even  on  the  race-track.  Up  to  this 
time,  however,  he  had  never  indulged  in  the  lux- 
ury of  a  theatrical  venture,  notwithstanding  the 
hankering  he  had  at  times  to  dabble  in  that  direc- 
tion. As  soon  as  he  saw  Handy  he  called  him 
aside  and  began  a  little  preliminary  skirmishing, 
and  in  a  roundabout  way  started  in  to  lay  bare 

159 


160  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

the  strenuous  thoughts  that  were  agitating  his 
mind.  He  opened  up  the  subject  by  inquiring 
when  the  company  proposed  to  go  back. 

"On  the  2.30  train,"  answered  Handy,  not 
knowing  or  caring  whether  there  was  a  train  at 
that  particular  hour  or  not.  "Why  do  you  ask?" 

"Well,  I  was  just  thinking" — and  the  landlord 
spoke  with  measured  care — "I  was  just  thinking, 
as  I  said,  that  perhaps  .you  and  I  might  be  able 
to  arrange  some  kind  of  a  deal  to  give  a  show  at 
Gotown,  make  a  stake,  and  whack  up  on  the  prof- 
its. What  do  you  say?" 

"Gotown!  Gotown!"  replied  Handy.  "Never 
heard  of  it.  No,  I  guess  not.  You  see,  times  are 
pretty  brisk  now;  good  people  are  in  demand,  and 
if  we  remain  away  from  the  city  for  any  length  of 
time  some  of  the  company  might  lose  the  oppor- 
tunity of  a  steady  engagement  for  the  season.  No, 
I  can't  take  the  risk." 

Handy  was  anxious,  nevertheless,  to  make  the 
venture,  and  he  felt  satisfied  the  company  would 
stick  by  him. 

"There's  money  in  it  for  the  two  of  us,"  urged 
mine  host  of  the  inn.  "The  outlay  will  not  be 
much,  and  the  profits  will  be  all  ours  to  split  up. 
It  will  be  the  first  show  that  was  ever  given  in  the 
place  1" 

"What!"   exclaimed  the  veteran,   in  surprise. 

"It  will  be  the  first?  show  ever  given  in  the 
town." 

"You  take  my  breath  away.     Say,  you  don't 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  161 

mean  to  tell  me  there  is  one  town  in  the  United 
States  that  has  escaped  the  showman?" 

"Yes.  Gotown  has,  an'  I'll  gamble  on  it,"  said 
the  landlord. 

"Stay!  There  must  be  some  kind  of  a  rink 
there?" 

"No." 

"No  rink." 

"No." 

"A museum,  then — moving-pictures  snap?" 

"No." 

"Has  there  been  a  circus  there  recently?" 

"Never  had  a  circus  within  miles  of  it." 

Handy  seemed  puzzled.  He  looked  at  the  land- 
lord, and  his  face  bore  a  quizzical  expression  as 
he  said:  "Say,  mister,  what  in  thunder  kind  of  a 
place  is  this  Gotown,  anyway — a  cemetery?" 

The  landlord  laughed,  Handy  wondered,  and 
neither  spoke  for  some  time.  It  perplexed  the 
veteran  to  reconcile  with  his  mind  the  fact  that 
there  happened  to  be  hid  away,  a  town  in  the 
United  States  that  had  not  yet  been  tapped  by  the 
industrious  and  ubiquitous  showman.  Reflection, 
however,  might  have  convinced  him  that  it  was 
not  such  an  extraordinary  circumstance,  after  all. 
In  this  glorious  and  growing  country  cities  and 
towns  spring  up  in  an  unprecedentedly  brief  period 
through  the  magic  influence  of  intelligence  and  in- 
dustry. The  discovery  of  some  product  that  for 
ages  has  laid  sealed  up  in  the  secret  laboratories 
of  nature  in  a  little  time  has  transformed  the  seem- 


1 62  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

ing  sterility  of  a  wilderness  into  the  productiveness 
of  a  cultivated  garden.  The  labor  of  brains  and 
hands,  preceding  the  employment  of  energy  and 
capital,  breaks  the  silence  of  time  and  makes  way 
for  the  music  of  practical  development.  Active 
brain  and  toiling  hands  had  won  from  mother 
earth  rich  stores  and  transformed  the  apparent 
barrenness  of  the  ground  convenient  to  where  Go- 
town  sprang  up  into  the  nucleus  of  a  flourishing 
city.  Someone  had  struck  oil. 

"Is  it  a  cemetery?  you  ask,"  said  the  landlord, 
after  he  'had  enjoyed  Handy's  amusing  inquiry. 
"A  cemetery,  eh?  Well,  all  I  can  say  is  that  you'll 
find  in  Gotown  the  liveliest  lot  of  ghosts  you  ever 
tackled  in  your  life,  if  you  visit  the  place.  Go- 
town,  a  cemetery!  Well,  I'll  be  darned  if  that  ain't 
the  best  I've  heard  in  a  blue  moon!"  and  again  he 
started  in  laughing.  "Why,  bless  your  soul,  man, 
no  one  has  had  time  to  die  there  yet.  Not  on 
your  life !  Gotown  will  be  Petroleum  City  before 
it  gets  out  of  its  knickerbockers,  tor  I'm  a  Dutch- 
man." 

Handy  opened  his  eyes  in  surprise.  The  actual 
situation  flashed  suddenly  on  him. 

"Struck  oil  there,  eh?" 

"Rich." 

"Many  wells?" 

"Let  me  see!  There's  the  Anna  Held,  the 
Billy  Brady,  the  Bob  Hilliard,  the  Peerless  One, 
the  Teddy  on  the  Spot,  the " 

"Oh,  never  mind  the  names.     Skip  them.     Oil 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  163 

wells  by  any  old  names  smell  just  the  same.  How 
many  of  them?" 

"Ten,  fifteen — maybe  double  that.  Can't  ex- 
actly tell.  They  are  boring  all  the  time  and  strik- 
ing it  rich." 

"  'Nuff  sed.  And  you  tell  me  they  never  had 
a  show  there?" 

"Why,  darn  it,  man !  the  town  was  only  chris- 
tened about  a  year  ago." 

"Then  we'll  confirm  it  and  open  its  gates  to 
the  histrionic  industry  of  the  country.  I'll  have 
a  talk  with  the  company.  But  we  will  have  to 
arrange  about  some  printing." 

The  gleam  that  illumined  the  landlord's  face  at 
the  mention  of  printing  was  a  study.  Handy  was 
somewhat  mystified,  and  he  was  still  more  sur- 
prised when  the  landlord,  with  a  knowing  look — 
a  loiok  all  landlords  seems  to  hold  a  patent  on — 
bent  over  and  said:  "Leave  that  to  me,  and  you'll 
be  satisfied.  We'll  get  the  winter's  supplies  out 
of  this  snap.  Come,  let's  have  something."  With 
this  hospitable  suggestion,  both  men  made  a  flank 
movement  in  the  direction  of  the  cafe. 

"Now,  then,"  began  Handy,  "did  I  understand 
you  to  say  you  could  fix  the  printing?" 

"You  did." 

"How?" 

"Well,  I  will  put  you  wise  in  that  direction. 
Will  you  smoke  ?  All  right.  Now,  then,  light  up 
an'  we'll  take  a  comfortable  seat  by  the  stove." 


1 64  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Lead  on,  Macbeth,  and — well,  you  know  the 
rest  of  it." 

Drawing  up  a  couple  of  well-seasoned  chairs, 
they  both  settled  down  for  a  practical  business 
talk. 

"I  have,"  said  the  landlord,  "in  the  storeroom  a 
stack  of  printing.  I  came  by  it  in  this  way.  There 
was  a  show  out  here  about  a  year  ago.  The  com- 
pany got  stranded;  could  go  no  further,  and,  to 
make  a  long  story  short,  when  the  troupe  started 
to  walk  home  the  printing  remained  behind.  Ex- 
hibit No.  i." 

"I'm  on.    Proceed." 

"Let  me  further  elucidate.  I  had  a  partner  who 
at  one  time  was  in  the  bill-posting  profession — it 
is  a  profession  now,  isn't  it?"  Handy  smiled. 
"Well,  he  had  a  bit  of  money — not  a  great  deal, 
and  he  invested  in  the  line  of  publicity.  Well,  he 
was  called  away  suddenly.  He  didn't  exactly  die 
— but  that's  of  no  consequence,  and  his  assets 
dropped  into  my  hands  for  safe-keeping.  Among 
the  valuables  was  a  lot  of  miscellaneous  printing 
of  all  kinds,  plain  and  colored — and  of  all  sorts 
and  sizes — a  dandy  assortment.  Exhibit  No.  2." 

"Fire  away!" 

"Furthermore,  old  Phineas  Pressman,  the  town 
printer  here,  owes  me  a  bill.  It  isn't  much,  but 
little  as  it  is  I  can't  squeeze  a  red  cent  of  ready 
money  out  of  him,  and  I  see  no  earthly  way  of 
getting  square  with  him  only  by  giving  him  an 
order  for  whatever  new  printing  stuff  we  may  re- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  165 

quire,  and  in  that  way  change  the  balance  of  trade 
in  my  direction.  Exhibit  No.  3.  Do  I  make  my- 
self clear?" 

"Perfectly." 

"But  you  don't  seem  to  enthuse  over  the  pros- 
pects." 

"No,"  answered  Handy  calmly.  "No,  I'm  no 
enthuser.  I  was  just  turning  over  in  my  mind 
your  proposition.  As  I  have  not  seen  your  paper, 
how  it  would  suit,  I  can't  imagine  what  it  looks 
like." 

"What  in  thunder  has  that  got  to  do  with  the 
case?  Paper  is  paper,  printing  is  printing,  and 
pictures  are  pictures,  ain't  they?" 

"Quite  correct,  my  friend.  But  you  must  bear 
in  mind  that  they  might  not  fit  any  show  that  the 
company  could  do  itself  credit  in." 

"Stuff  and  nonsense!  You  make  me  slightly 
weary,"  replied  the  landlord.  "Suppose  it  don't — 
what  then?  If  the  printing  don't  suit  the  play  or 
the  entertainment,  what's  the  matter  with  jthe  en- 
tertainment being  made  to  fit  in  and  suit  the  print- 
ing? Don't  they  all  do  it?  What  do  you  think 
printers  and  lithographers  butt  in  and  become  the- 
atrical managers  for?  For  the  sake  and  love  of 
art,  eh?  Rot!  You  know  as  well  as  I  do  that 
this  pictorial  work  you  see  stuck  up  all  around 
hardly  ever  represents  the  thing  they  give  on  the 
stage  and  to  see  which  the  theatre-going  public 
puts  up  its  good  coin  to  enjoy.  Why,  bless  my 
soul,  Mr.  Handy,  there's  hardly  a  show  on  the 


1 66  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

road  to-day  that  don't  lay  its  managers  liable  to 
arraignment  for  obtaining  money  under  false  pre- 
tenses by  the  brilliancy  of  the  printing  and  the 
stupidity  and  poverty  of  the  performance." 

"You  talk  like  a  reformer!" 

"Reformers  be  hanged !  I  was  about  to  tell  you 
that  some  time  ago  there  was  a  movement  on  foot 
in  one  or  two  of  the  Western  States  to  secure  the 
passage  of  a  legal  measure  compelling  showmen 
to  actually  present  on  the  stage  what  their  pic- 
torial W'Ork  on  the  dead  walls  and  billboards  prom- 
ised. If  the  shows  now  going  the  rounds  were 
half  as  good  as  their  printing,  they'd  be  works  of 
art." 

"Say,  boss !"  remarked  Handy  admiringly,  "you 
have  the  real  Simon  pure  theatrical  managerial  in- 
stinct in  you,  you  have.  You  haven't  always  been 
in  the  hotel  business?" 

"Nix,  I  had  at  one  time  the  candy  privilege 
with  a  circus,  and  I  had  to  keep  my  eyes  open,  I 
tell  you." 

"Shake,  .old  man,"  as  Handy  extended  his  hand. 
"When  you  'began  talking  printing  I  knew  you 
were  on  to  the  racket  and  understood  something 
about  the  theatrical  biz.  Why,  you're  one  of  us. 
You  belong  to  the  profesh." 

"Oh,  give  us  a  rest  with  your  nonsense!  What 
are  you  chinning  about?  I  am  just  a  plain,  com- 
mon, every-day  innkeeper." 

"Suppose  you  are.  Let  it  go  at  that,  and  let 
me  tell  you  times  are  advancing.  We  live  in  a 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  167 

great  age — a  progressive  and  changeable  age. 
There  was  a  time  when  theatres  and  theatrical 
companies  were  managed  or  directed  by  men  who 
were  actors,  or  had  been  actors,  or  by  men  who 
had  a  love  for  the  business,  and  had  some  particu- 
lar talent  or  fitness  for  the  trade;  but  nowadays 
all  that  is  changed,  and  all  sorts  .of  chaps  have 
butted  in  for  the  sake  of  what's  in  it  for  them.  It 
is  not,  let  me  tell  you,  an  unusual  thing  to  find  the 
druggist  of  yesterday,  or  the  commercial  drum- 
mer, or  newspaper  man  of  the  week  previous,  be- 
come the  impresario  of  an  opera  troupe  or  the 
manager  of  a  playhouse  the  following  week.  This 
is  a  most  changeable  as  well  as  progressive  and 
strenuous  age." 

"You  speak  like  a  philosopher,  Mr.  Handy." 
"Do  they  tell  the  truth?" 
"They  are  credited  with  doing  so." 
"Then  you  can  safely  bet  on  my  talk." 
"Now,  then — what  about  Gotown?" 
"I'm  with  you.     We'll  tackle  Gotown  on  mis- 
cellaneous paper.    There's  my  hand  on  it." 

That  afternoon  Handy  and  the  landlord  started 
for  the  scene  of  operations,  to  look  the  place  over. 
Before  going,  Handy  had  an  interview  with  the 
members  of  the  company,  unfolded  his  plans  to 
them,  and  drew  a  flattering  picture  of  the  pros- 
pects of  success.  A  few  .of  them  hesitated  and 
decided  to  go  home,  but  enough  remained  to  en- 
able the  veteran  to  carry  out  his  scheme.  To  Smith 
was  entrusted  the  duty  of  ascertaining  the  strong 


1 68  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

points  of  the  individual  members  of  the  troupe  and 
finding  in  what  particular  line  their  talents  would 
show  to  the  best  advantage. 

"Try  them  in  song  and  dance,"  were  Handy's 
instructions  to  his  lieutenant,  "and  all  that  kind  of 
thing.  We  will  have  to  fake  this  show  in  red-hot 
style.  We  .are  not  going  to  play  to  any  Metro- 
politan Opera  House,  Dan  Frohman,  or  Dave  Be- 
lasco  audience.  Don't  forget,  old  man,  we  are  go- 
ing into  a  mining  district  where  we  will  have  the 
first  go  at  it.  Quantity  not  quality  must  be  our 
motto.  Remember,  above  all  things,  Smith,  that 
the  corned  beef  and  cabbage  of  the  menu  will  be 
more  acceptable  for  a  starter  than  the  roast  beef 
and  plum  pudding  of  dramatic  art.  Take  your 
cue  from  the  great  far  West.  The  young  towns 
out  there  have  all  gone  through  a  similar  experi- 
ence, until  now  they  have  become  so  fastidious 
that  nothing  less  than  grand  opera,  with  a  bunch 
of  foreign  stars,  or  a  presentation  of  imported 
plays  and  play  actors  can  satisfy  their  cultivated 
tastes.  Let  your  show  dish  be  well  hashed  and 
don't,  above  all  things,  neglect  the  histrionic  pep- 
per and  mustard.  The  more  highly  seasoned  it  is 
the  more  kindly  >our  patrons  will  take  to  the  the- 
atrical feast  we  will  be  compelled  to  give  them." 

"Leave  that  to  me." 


CHAPTER   XXI 

"I'll  view  the  manners  of  the  town. 
Peruse  the  traders,  gaze  upon  the  buildings." 

— COMEDY  OF  ERRORS. 

Handy  and  the  landlord  spent  the  late  afternoon 
and  a  good  portion  of  the  night  in  Gotown.  It 
was  a  strange,  straggling-looking  arrangement  of 
recently  put  together  frame  houses,  cranes,  der- 
ricks, and  piles  of  lumber.  So  newly  built  were 
the  habitations  that  many  of  them  were  devoid  of 
paint.  It  was  to  all  intents  and  purposes  an  active, 
stirring,  busy  little  place — a  hive  of  industry. 
Handy  and  his  friend  made  a  casual  survey  of  the 
locality,  paid  visits  to  a  number  of  saloons, — the 
town  in  that  respect  being  well  equipped, — and 
made  several  acquaintances.  From  what  they  had 
seen  and  heard  they  came  to  the  conclusion  they 
could  "pull  off"  a  fairly  good-sized  stake  as  the 
result  of  their  venture. 

Without  going  into  detail  to  any  great  extent, 
the  two  men  made  the  following  agreement : 
Handy  engaged  to  put  up  his  experience  and  the 
services  of  the  company  against  the  landlord's 
capital.  That  is,  mine  host  of  the  inn  was  to  de- 
fray all  the  expenses  of  the  undertaking,  including 
cost  of  transportation,  board,  and  lodging  for  the 
company  that  was  to  supply  the  entertainment. 
Of  whatever  came  in  the  landlord  was  to  take 

169 


1 7o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

half  and  Handy  the  other  half.  From  his  share 
of  the  proceeds  Handy  was  to  make  good  to  the 
company. 

"It  seems  to  me,"  remarked  Handy,  "we  stand 
a  purty  fair  chance  to  do  something  here.  But, 
say,  we  haven't  yet  seen  the  hall  or  theatre  or 
ranch  we're  goin'  to  show  in." 

"That's  so,"  replied  his  companion.  "Let's  just 
cut  across  lots  here  and  go  and  see  Ed  McGowan. 
This  way,"  and  they  made  a  bee-line  through  a 
field. 

"Ed  McGowan,"  repeated  Handy.  "Who  is 
he?" 

"Big  Ed?  Why,  he  bosses  the  job  of  the  crack 
gin-mill  of  the  outfit,  and  runs  things." 

"A  good  man,"  says  Handy,  "to  be  on  the  right 
side  of,  if  he's  all  right." 

"Is  it  Ed?  You  bet!  Why,  Ed  is  the  Pier- 
pont  Morgan  of  the  whole  lay-out.  He's  nobody 
now,  apparently,  but  wait  'till  he  gets  his  fine  work 
in  an'  he'll  own  the  whole  shooting-match.  Mark 
what  I'm  a-tellin'  you." 

"Is  the  hall  convenient  to  his  laboratory?" 
quizzically  inquired  Handy. 

"Darned  if  I  know.  When  I  was  up  here  a 
couple  of  weeks  or  so  ago  Ed  told  me  he  was  goin' 
to  put  up  a  hall  or  something  where  the  boys,  as  he 
called  them,  could  have  a  dance  or  a  slugging 
match,  or  a  show, — any  old  thing,  in  fact,  that 
came  along  in  the  way  of  diversion  and  amuse- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  171 

"Say,  boss,"  said  Handy,  somewhat  puzzled, 
"are  you  serious  or  are  you  stringin'  me?" 

"I  don't  understand." 

"We  start  even,  then,  for  blow  me  if  I  under- 
stand you." 

"Please  explain  yourself." 

"I'll  do  my  plainest!" 

"Skip  the  prelims  and  get  down  to  facts.  I  ask 
you  to  point  out  the  hall  we're  to  give  -the  show 
in,  and  you  treat  me  to  a  ghost  story  about  some 
fellow  named  Ed  McGowan  who  thinks  about  put- 
ting up  one  where  the  boys  can  have  a  dance,  see 
a  show,  take  part  in  a  slugging  match  or  indulge 
in  any  other  eccentricities  too  superfluous  to  enu- 
merate. I  confess  I  have  been  on  many  wild-goose 
chases  in  my  somewhat  long  and  varied  career, 
but  this  takes  the  gingerbread.  Now  let  me  ask 
you  frankly,  is  there  a  hall  at  all,  at  all,'  in  the 
place?" 

"I  don't  know." 

"Great  Caesar's  ghost!  What?  Don't  know? 
Say,  is  there  an  Ed  McGowan,  then?  Boss,  I'm 
growin'  desperate,"  and  the  veteran  looked  as  if 
he  was. 

"Sure  there  is,"  replied  the  landlord,  with  a 
laugh. 

"Then  for  the  Lord's  sake  lead  me  out  of  this 
wilderness  of  doubt  into  his  presence." 

Not  another  word  was  spoken  until  they  crossed 
the  threshold  of  Ed  McGowan's  barroom.  It  dif- 
fered little  from  other  places  of  its  class,  save 


1 72  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

that  it  had  a  bigger  stove,  a  greater  number  of 
chairs,  a  more  extensive  counter  for  business  pur- 
poses, and  a  more  extensive  display  of  glassware 
reflected  in  the  mammoth  mirror. 

"Hello,  hello,  Weston,  old  fellow !  Glad  to  see 
you!"  was  the  salutation  that  rang  out  in  a  cheery 
voice  after  the  newcomers  had  made  their  entry. 
"What  in  thunder  brings  you  up  to  these  dig- 
gin's?" 

McGowan  had  a  playful  little  way  of  address- 
ing his  friends  by  the  name  of  the  places  from 
which  they  hailed.  He  was  a  good  specimen  of 
man,  and  could  tip  the  scales  at  two  hundred. 
Above  middle  height,  he  was  a  big,  broad-shoul- 
dered, deep-chested,  bow-windowed,  good-natured 
kind  of  chap — one  who  would  travel  a  long  dis- 
tance to  do  a  good  turn  for  a  friend  and  travel 
equally  far  to  get  square  with  a  foe.  At  the  time 
of  the  entrance  of  the  theatrical  projectors,  big 
Ed  was  vigorously  employed  in  getting  something 
like  a  shine  or  polish  on  the  top  of  his  bar. 

"Just  a  minute  an'  I'll  be  with  you,"  said  the  big 
fellow,  after  the  first  greetings  were  exchanged. 
"Let  me  get  things  a  bit  shipshape  an'  I'll  join 
you,"  and  with  that  he  gave  another  strenuous 
sweep  of  his  muscular  arm  along  the  woodwork. 
"I  want  to  have  things  looking  trim  before  the 
night  services  begin.  What's  your  weakness  now, 
Wes?"  he  added.  "A  little  hot  stuff,  eh?  I 
thought  so.  I  knew  how  that  proposition  would 
strike  you.  I've  got  something  on  hand  that'll 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  173 

warm  the  cockles  of  your  heart.  Got  it  in  a  week 
ago.  It's  the  real  thing — it  is.  And  your  friend — 
the  same?  Good.  Patsy,  make  three  nice  hot 
Irishes.  No,  not  that  bottle — you  know  the  one 
I  mean.  J.  J.  Yes!  That's  it." 

By  this  time  McGowan  had  completed  his  ar- 
duous labor  and  joined  his  comrades  in  front  of 
the  bar. 

"Well,  .old  man,"  he  said,  slapping  Weston  in 
a  friendly  manner  on  the  shoulder,  "how  is  the 
world  treating  you,  anyhow?  Ain't  you  lost  a  bit 
up  here  in  these  diggin's?" 

"Oh,  I  have  no  kick  coming,"  was  the  reply. 
"Mr.  McGowan,  I  want  you  to  shake  hands  with 
my  friend,  Mr.  Handy,  of  New  York." 

"Glad  to  know  Mr.  Handy.  You  hail  from  the 
big  city,  eh?  I'm  a  New  Yorker  myself — left 
there  some  time  ago.  A  good  many  years  have 
rolled  on  since  then.  I  suppose  I'd  hardly  know 
the  place  now.  Set  them  over  yonder,  Patsy,  near 
the  stove.  Come,  boys,  sit  down,  Just  as  cheap 
to  sit  as  stand,  and  more  comfortable.  Well, 
here's  my  pious  regards,  and,  as  my  old  friend, 
Major  Cullinan  used  to  say,  'May  the  Lord  take 
a  liking  to  us,  but  not  too  soon.'  New  York,  eh?" 
and  McGowan's  memory  seemed,  at  the  sound  of 
the  name,  to  wander  back  to  old  familiar  scenes 
of  days  gone  by. 

"Yes,"  said  Handy;  "hail  from  there,  but  I 
travel  about  a  good  deal." 

"A  traveling  man — a  drummer,  eh?" 


i74  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Well,  I  do  play  a  bit  on  the  drum  at  times," 
said  Handy,  with  a  smile,  "but  I'm  only  a  poor 
devil  of  an  actor,  if  I'm  anything." 

"An  actor,  and  a  New  Yorker.  Shake  again. 
Put  it  there,"  as  he  extended  his  hand.  Then  look- 
ing at  Handy  closely  for  a  moment,  he  turned  to 
Weston  and  said:  "Say,  Wes,  I  know  this  man, 
though  he  don't  seem  to  know  me." 

"Indeed,  Mr.  McGowan,  you  have  the  best  of 
me." 

"Sure,"  responded  McGowan.  "Well,  here's  to 
our  noble  selves,"  and  the  trio  drained  their  cups. 
"An'  now,  Mr.  Handy,  to  prove  my  words  that 
I  know  you.  You  used  to  spout  in  the  old  Bow- 
ery Theatre?  Ah,  I  thought  so.  Knew  Bill 
Whalley?  Of  course  you  did.  Poor  Bill — he's 
dead.  A  good  actor,  but  a  better  fellow.  He 
was  his  own  worst  friend.  And  there  was  Eddy. 
Eddy.  Eddy.  He  was  a  corker.  Yes,  he  cashed 
in  many  years  ago.  Then  there  was  Mrs.  W.  G. 
Jones.  God  bless  her!  Dead.  God  rest  her 
soul.  She  was  the  salt  of  the  earth.  And  what 
has  become  of  J.  B.  Studley?  Wasn't  he  a  dandy, 
though,  in  Indian  war  plays?  You  bet!  Jim 
McCloskey,  I  think,  used  to  fix  them  up  for  him. 
And  will  you  ever  forget  G.  L. — Fox,  I  mean. 
There  never  was  his  equal  in  funny  characters, 
and  as  a  pantomimist  no  one  ever  took  his  place. 
They  tell  me  the  old  spout  shop  is  now  turned 
into  a  Yiddish  theatre.  Well !  well !  well !  How 
times  are  changed !  I  suppose  the  fellows  I  knew 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  175 

in  days  gone  by  are  changed  too — those  of  them 
that  remain,  I  mean.  The  ones  that  are  dead  I 
know  are." 

"Yes,"  replied  Handy,  "you'd  find  New  York 
a  much  changed  city  since  then.  It  was,  I  believe, 
Dutch  originally;  then  for  a  time  the  Irish  had 
a  hack  at  it;  but  all  the  nations  of  the  earth  having 
sent  in  their  contributions  of  all  sorts  and  sizes 
and  tongues,  it's  purty  hard  now  to  make  out  what 
it  is." 

"Wonders  will  never  stop  ceasing,  will  they? 
Well,  Wes" — and  Big  Ed  turned  and  directed  his 
attention  to  the  landlord — "what  did  you  come  up 
here  for?  You  came  up  after  something.  What's 
the  little  game?  Want  to  buy  land?" 

"No.  I'll  tell  you.  Our  'friend  here,  Mr. 
Handy,  at  my  suggestion,  made  this  visit  with  me 
to  see  you  on  a  little  speculation  of  our  own.  Mr. 
Handy  a  week — not  quite  a  week  ago — came  out 
to  my  town  with  a  theatrical  troupe  to  show  for 
a  week.  The  company  played  one  night,  when 
the  staress  grew  tired  and  quit  after  the  first  heat 
and  went  home  to  mother.  This  brought  the  sea- 
son to  a  premature  close." 

"Nothing  particularly  new  in  that,"  answered 
McGowan;  "but  continue." 

"Well,  under  the  circumstances  we — Mr. 
Handy  and  myself — got  our  heads  together  and 
came  to  the  conclusion  to  run  up  here  and  have  a 
talk  with  you  and  see  if  we  couldn't  make  some 


176  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

arrangements  to  bring  the  company  up  and  give  a 
show." 

"I  see.  That's  the  racket,  eh?  Where  did 
you  propose  to  give  it?" 

"In  that  new  hall  of  yours,  of  course." 

"My  new  hall,  eh?"  replied  McGowan,  in 
surprise,  and  laughing.  "Why,  Wes,  the  gol- 
darned  thing  ain't  built  yet,  but  the  men  are  at 
work  on  it.  If  it  was  ready  I'd  like  nothin'  bet- 
ter than  inauguratin'  the  place  with  a  show,  for 
between  ourselves  I'm  a  bit  stuck  on  theatre-acting 
myself.  I'm  sorry.  The  carpenters  started  in 
over  a  week  ago  and  this  is  Tuesday." 

"And  is  there  no  other  place?" 

"Let  me  see.  No,  I  don't  think  so.  Kauf- 
man's barn  was  burned  down  last  week,  so  you 
couldn't  storm  that  now.  Siegel's  wouldn't  be 
just  the  place,  and,  besides,  they  have  other  cattle 
there  now,  so  that's  out  of  the  question.  You 
might  get  a  loan  of  the  church — no,  the  church  is 
not  a  church.  We  only  call  it  so  for  respectabil- 
ity's sake.  It  is  used  for  almost  any  old  thing  on 
week  days,  and  on  Sunday  a  dominie  from  an  ad- 
joining parish  tackles  sermons  once  in  a  while. 
But  then,  I  hardly  think  it  would  suit.  But  hold 
on  a  minute — when  did  you  expect  to  come  here?" 

"Well,  we  thought  of  getting  here  Saturday 
night." 

"Saturday  night!"  exclaimed  McGowan,  in  sur- 
prise. "Why  didn't  you  say  so  at  first?" 

"What's  the  matter  now?" 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  177 

"Saturday  night!  Why,  I  thought  you  meant 
to  descend  on  us  to-morrow  night.  'Nuff  sed. 
Say  no  more.  The  academy  will  be  ready  for  you." 

"The  what?" 

"The  Gotown  Metropolitan  Academy  of  Mu- 
sic will  be  ready  for  inauguration  by  a  company 
of  distinguished  actors — all  stars,  more  or  less — 
from  the  principal  theatres  of  the  metropolis — 
next  Saturday  night,"  replied  Big  Ed  in  a  grandil- 
oquent outburst. 

"You  don't  mean  it,  Ed?"  said  the  Weston 
landlord,  somewhat  amazed  at  the  suggestion. 

"Can't  be  did,"  said  Handy. 

"Can't,  eh?"  remarked  McGowan,  with  a 
smile  of  contempt  on  his  cheery  face.  "You  don't 
know  Gotown,  my  friend.  Come  here,"  he  con- 
tinued, as  he  rose  from  his  chair  and  moved 
toward  the  door  and  motioned  his  friends  to  fol- 
low. "It  is  purty  dark  outside,  but  no  matter 
about  that.  Look  out  yonder  and  tell  me  what 
you  see?" 

"Not  much  of  anything  now,  but  the  faint  out- 
lines of  a  bunch  of  houses,  cranes,  derricks,  and 
things,  and  a  lot  of  lights,"  replied  Handy. 

"Right  you  are  in  what  you  say.  Now  listen  to 
me  and  hear  what  I  have  to  say.  Had  you  stood 
on  this  same  spot  you  are  now  standing  on,  a 
year  since,  and  in  broad  daylight,  the  only  thing 
you'd  have  seen,  barrin'  the  ground,  would  be  the 
cattle  in  the  field — and  darned  few  of  them,  at 
that — and  a  few  houses  here  and  there,  miles 


i78  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

apart.  A  year  ago,  my  friend,  lacking  a  few 
days,  Gotown  didn't  exist.  Isn't  what  I'm  tellin 
him  true,  Myles?"  said  the  speaker,  appealing 
for  corroboration  of  his  statement  to  one  who  was 
evidently  a  steady  patron  of  the  McGowan  es 
tablishment,  and  who  was  about  to  enter. 

"That's  about  the  size  of  the  truth  of  it.  A 
year  ago,  come  next  Saturday  night,  we  chris 
tened  her,  all  right,  all  right." 

"What's  that  you  said?"  asked  Handy,  sud 
denly  brightening  up.  "A  year  ago,  did  you  say?' 
Christopher  Columbus !  if  we  only  had  a  place 
to  show  in  we  could  celebrate  the  centennial  an 
niversary  of  Gotown." 

His  hearers  burst  into  laughter,  and  Big  EC 
concluded  that  the  way  Handy  took  in  the  situa 
tion  was  worthy  of  a  treat  on  the  house,  to  whid 
the  newcomer,  Myles  O'Hara,  was  specially  in 
vited. 

"Say,  Myles,"  inquired  the  boss,  as  they  stooc 
in  front  of  the  bar,  "how  long  will  it  take  to  fin 
ish  the  Academy?" 

"Inside  and  outside?" 

"Yes.    Both.    Complete." 

"Well,  that  depinds.  As  Rafferty  has  the  con 
tract,  I  should  say  three  days." 

"Three  days!"  exclaimed  Handy  and  his  frienc 
from  Weston. 

"I'm  spakin' !"  replied  Myles,  in  a  consequen 
tial  manner.  "An'  be  the  same  token,  I  kno^ 
what  I'm  talkin'  about.  Three  days  sure,  an'  mine 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  179 

yez,  Ed,  I  don't  say  that  bekase  I  work  for  Raf- 
ferty.  I'm  not  that  kind  of  a  man." 

"An'  make  'a  good  job  of  it?"  asked  Mc- 
Gowan. 

"Well,  he  may  not  give  you  much  gingerbread 
work  in  the  shape  of  decorations,  but  you'll  have 
a  dacint-lookin'  house  enuff  for  an  academy  of 
music." 

"Ed,"  interposed  the  man  from  Weston,  "if 
you  could  only  get  the  place  ready,  what  a  Jim 
Dandy  house-warming  we'd  have,  in  addition  to 
the  celebration  commemorating  the  birthday  of 
the  town!  Do  you  think  the  job  can  be  put 
through  on  schedule  time?" 

This  made  Myles  a  trifle  irritated.  "Arrah, 
what  are  yez  spakin'  about?  Look-a  here,  me 
frind,  I'm  givin'  ye  no  ghost  story.  Didn't  Raf- 
ferty  put  up  ould  Judge  Flaherty's  house  inside 
of  a  week,  and  moved  in  the  day  it  was  finished, 
an'  thin  have  a  wake  there  the  next  evening," 
argued  Myles,  by  the  way  of  a  clincher  to  his 
argument. 

"All  right,  Myles,  I  know  you  know  what  men 
can  do  if  it  comes  to  a  pinch,"  responded  Big 
Ed,  somewhat  nervously.  "But  let  me  ask  you, 
could  a  stage  be  put  in  the  hall  for  the  opening?" 

"A  stage — do  yez  main  an  omnibus?" 

"No,  I  don't  mean  no  omnibus,"  replied  the 
big  fellow,  with  a  humorous  twinkle  in  his  eye. 

"A  scaffoldin',  thin,  I  persume  ye  main,"  con- 
tinued Myles. 


i8o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Oh,  darn  it,  no!  I  mean  a  stage — a  stage 
for  acting  on." 

"Oh,  I  see  now.  I  comprehind.  A  stage  for 
show  actors,"  replied  O'Hara,  as  if  a  sudden 
light  'had  dawned  upon  his  not  particularly  bril- 
liant imagination.  "Let  me  ask  yez,  what's  the 
matter  with  a  few  impty  beer-kegs  standing  up 
ag'in'  the  wall,  an'  in  the  middle,  with  beams 
stretched  acrost  them  and  fastened  on  with  tin- 
pinny  nails,  and  afther  that  some  nice  clain  boords 
nailed  on  the  top  ov  thim?  Wouldn't  thim  be 
good  enuff  for  show  actin'?" 

"Don't  say  another  word,  Myles,"  said  Mc- 
Gowan. Then  turning  to  Handy  and  his  friend: 
"We'll  guarantee  to  have  everything  all  right  on 
time,  so  far  as  the  academy  is  concerned,  and  if 
you  fellows  do  the  rest  and  provide  and  arrange 
the  entertainment,  we'll  make  Gotown  hum  on 
Saturday  night." 

"You  mean  it,  eh?"  asked  Weston. 

"I'm  chirpin',  I  .am,"  replied  McGowan. 

"Next  Saturday  night?"  inquired  Myles. 

"Sure." 

"It's  payday,  too." 

"So  it  is,"  said  McGowan  cheerily. 

"An'  yez  know  what  payday  means  in  a  new 
town  wid  a  show  on  the  spot." 

"I  should  say  I  did." 

"Well,  as  I  was  about  to  say,"  continued  Myles, 
"wid  an  entertainment  on  hand,  indepindint  of  its 
bein'  the  anniversary  to  commimorate  the  foun- 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  181 

dashon  of  the  place,  I  think  Gotown  will  make 
a  record  for  herself  on  that  occasion." 

"Myles,  you've  a  great  head,"  laughingly  sug- 
gested Big  Ed,  at  the  same  time  slapping  the 
speaker  playfully  on  the  shoulder.  "Wouldn't 
you  like  to  take  a  hand  in  the  entertainment  your- 
self, with  Mr.  Handy's  consent,  and  make  an 
opening  address?" 

"Ed  McGowan,  ye're  very  kind,  but  spakin'  is 
not  my  stronghowld;  but  let  me  be  afther  tellin' 
yez  I  kin  howld  me  own  wid  the  best  of  'em,  no 
matter  where  they're  from,  in  the  line  of  a  bit 
of  dancin',"  and  O'Hara  stepped  out  on  the  floor 
and  illustrated  his  story  with  a  few  fancy  steps  of 
an  Irish  jig  which  made  an  instantaneous  hit  with 
the  crowd. 

McGowan  laughed  outright  and  applauded; 
Weston  joined  him  in  appreciative  merriment, 
while  Handy  merely  contented  himself  with  a 
smile,  as  he  was  mentally  absorbed  in  a  study  of 
Myles  O'Hara.  Handy  was  <a  man  of  emergen- 
cies. He  thought  quickly  and  acted  promptly. 
He  rarely  missed  a  point  he  could  turn  to  advan- 
tage. He  fancied  he  saw  in  Myles  O'Hara  an 
auxiliary  that  might  prove  valuable.  Handy's 
company  was  weak  in  terpsichorean  talent,  and 
he  determined  to  strengthen  it  by  securing  local 
talent  through  the  services  of  the  representative 
from  Gotown. 

"Mr.  O'Hara,"  said  Handy,  addressing  Myles, 


1 82  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"did  I  understand  you  to  say  that  you  were  some- 
thing of  a  dancer?" 

"That  you  did,  sir;  an'  so  was  my  father  afore 
me,  God  rest  his  sowl !  Let  me  tell  yez  that  at 
sixty-eight  years  the  owld  man  was  as  light  'on 
his  feet  as  a  two-year-owld." 

"Then,  Mr.  O'Hara,  might  I  take  the  liberty 
to  suggest  that  in  honor  of  the  day  we  are  going 
to  celebrate  you  will  give  your  friends  an  exhi- 
bition of  your  skill  at  our  entertainment  next  Sat- 
urday night?" 

"Arrah,  what  the  divil  do  you  take  me  for?  Is 
it  a  show  actor  you  want  to  make  out  of  me,  I 
dunno?" 

"Oh,  no,  indeed,  Mr.  O'Hara !"  replied  Handy, 
in  his  most  complaisant  manner  of  speech.  "I 
would  not  undertake  that  job.  But  I  thought  on 
that  eventful  occasion " 

"And,"  broke  in  McGowan,  "if  you  do,  it  will 
make  you  solid  with  the  boys.  You  know  they 
like  you  purty  well  as  it  is,  but  when  they  hear 
you  are  going  to  take  part  in  the  anniversary  en- 
tertainment you  can  have  anything  you  want 
from  them." 

"Are  yez  sayrious,  I  dunno,  at  all,  at  all?"  in- 
quired Myles,  somewhat  dubiously. 

"Ami?"  responded  McGowan.  "Now,  Myles, 
you  know  I  have  always  had  a  great  regard  for 
you,  and  do  you  think  I'd  speak  as  I  have  done 
unless  I  was  in  earnest?" 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  183 

O'Hara  reflected  a  moment,  then  turning  to 
McGowan,  said:  "Ed,  look-a  here." 

"Yes,  Myles,  what  is  it?" 

"Bethune  ourselves,  an'  on  the  level,  what  d'ye 
think  the  owld  woman  would  say?" 

"Be  tickled  to  death  over  it." 

"An'  the  childer — what  about  thim?" 

"They'd  be  no  standin'  'em.  Why,  man  alive, 
they'd  be  as  proud  as  peacocks." 

"D'ye  think  so?" 

"Think  so,  no;  I  know  so,  sure!" 

"That  settles  it.  Say,  Mr.  Handy," — address- 
ing the  manager, — "have  yez  a  good  fiddler  that 
can  play  Irish  chunes?" 

At  this  juncture  Weston  took  a  hand  in  the  dis- 
cussion, and,  with  an  anxious  desire  to  solve  the 
musical  problem,  suggested:  "We'll  fix  that  all 
right,  all  right,  as  we  intend  to  have  the  Weston 
Philharmonic  Handel  and  Hayden  Society — I 
think  that's  the  name  of  the  union — to  operate  as 
an  orchestra,  and  Herr  Heintzleman,  the  leader, 
who  is  a  corking  good  fiddler,  will  play  the  dance 
music  for  you." 

"Heintzleman!"  repeated  Myles,  in  apparent 
disgust.  "No,  sur!  No  Heintzleman  for  mine. 
Not  much !  What !  Have  a  Pennsylvania  Dutch- 
man play  an  Irish  jig  for  me?  Arrah,  what  the 
divil  are  yez  all  dreamin'  about?" 

"Hold  on,  Myles,  hold  on!  Don't  get  mad. 
Keep  yer  shirt  on,"  interposed  McGowan,  as  a 
peacemaker.  "Myles,  you  and  Dinny  Dempsey, 


1 84  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

the  blind  piper,  used  to  be  good  friends.  Now, 
suppose  we  get  Dinny.  How  will  he  suit  you?" 

"Now  yez  are  spakin'  something  like  rayston, 
Ed  McGowan.  If  Dinny  Dimpsey  does  the  piping 
work,  I'll  do  the  dancin'." 

"Is  that  a  go,  Myles?" 

"There's  me  hand  on  it." 

"Then  Dempsey  will  be  hired  specially  for  you, 
even  if  I  have  to  put  up  for  him  myself." 

"But  he  must  come  on  the  flure  wid  me." 

"Sure,  Myles." 

"An'  another  thing,  he  must  come  on  sober.  I 
won't  shake  a  leg  or  do  a  step  if  Dinny  has  any 
drink  in  him  beforehand.  Yez  had  betther  un- 
dersthand  that." 

"That's  a  go.  I  promise  you  shall  have  Demp- 
sey, and,  what's  more,  I  guarantee  he  will  not 
have  a  sup  of  anything  until  after  the  show;  but 
after  the  show  is  over  he  can  have  all  he  can 
conveniently  put  under  his  skin." 

This  brought  the  preliminary  proceedings  to 
an  end.  By  the  way  of  closing  the  bargain,  all 
hands,  on  the  invitation  of  the  proprietor,  stepped 
up  to  the  bar  and  made  another  attack  on  Mc- 
Gowan's  best.  The  evening  was  drawing  to  a 
close;  night  had  set  in,  and  Handy  and  Weston, 
having  finished  their  business,  were  anxious  to  get 
away.  Gotown  was  a  short  distance  from  the 
railroad  station.  After  they  had  lighted  their 
cigars  they  were  ready  to  start  homeward  bound. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  185 

"Hold  on  a  minute  and  I'll  walk  over  with  you 
to  the  train." 

Patsy  came  from  behind  the  bar  and  helped  the 
boss  on  with  his  coat,  and  the  three  started  away. 

On  their  way  across  lots  they  talked  of  many 
things  appertaining  to  the  forthcoming  entertain- 
ment. 

"By  the  way,  Mr.  McGowan,"  said  Handy,  "is 
there  any  danger  about  the  hall  not  being  ready 
for  us  on  Saturday  night?" 

"Make  your  mind  easy  on  that  score,"  replied 
McGowan,  with  confidence.  "When  I  get  back 
to  the  store  and  give  it  out  that  I  must  have  the 
hall  finished  by  noon  on  Saturday,  in  order  to 
celebrate  properly  and  in  A-No.  i  style  the  anni- 
versary with  a  show  at  night,  why,  man  alive !  I'll 
have  more  men  to  go  to  work  to-morrow  morning 
than  would  be  wanted  to  finish  two  Gotown  Met- 
ropolitan Academies  of  Music  in  the  time  speci- 
fied. Yes,  sir;  when  I  tell  you  a  thing  like  that  you 
can  bank  on  it.  You  don't  know  me  yet,  Mr. 
Handy.  But  see  here,  I  won't  promise  to  furnish 
the  scenery  and  other  fixin's.  Another  thing,  we 
don't  go  much  on  paint  up  here.  Ain't  got  no 
time  to  waste  over  ornamentation  yet,  but  I  sup- 
pose we'll  have  that  weakness  in  due  time.  So 
you'll  have  to  fix  all  trimmin's  yourselves.  Yez 
needn't  be  too  particular.  We'll  have  to  make 
allowance  for  that.  Give  the  boys  plenty  of  fun 
and  life  and  they'll  excuse  the  pictures  and  ginger- 
bread. If  the  acting  is  good  and  strong  you  need 


1 86  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

have  no  fear.  It  is  only  when  the  acting  is 
weak  and  of  an  inferior  quality  that  fine  clothes 
and  grand  painted  scenery  is  necessary  to  cover 
it  up.  At  least  them's  my  sentiments.  You  must 
have  some  stuff  down  in  your  town,  Wes,  in  the 
theatre  that'll  help  us  out?" 

"That'll  be  all  right.  I'll  attend  to  that  part 
of  the  job,"  replied  Wes. 

"Is  there  any  particular  style  of  entertainment 
you  would  suggest?"  inquired  Handy. 

"No,"  answered  Big  Ed.  "No,  so  long  as  it 
is  good,  plain,  old-fashioned  acting,  it  will  be  all 
right.  Only  don't  attempt  to  give  us  any  of  the 
new  style,  the  bread  and  butter  and  milk  and 
water  kind  of  thing  they  are  dealing  out  in  the 
theatres  in  the  big  cities  these  days.  Let  me  put 
you  wise.  We  don't  go  much  on  style — we  be- 
lieve in  the  simple  life.  But  whatever  you  act, 
give  it  to  them  good  and  strong.  Well,  here  we 
are  and  here's  your  train.  Got  your  tickets? 
Yes!  All  right.  Skip  aboard.  Saturday  morn- 
ing I'll  be  on  the  lookout  for  you.  So  long! 
Good-night!  Safe  home!" 


CHAPTER   XXII 

"Is  this  world  and  all  the  life  upon  it  a  farce  or  vaudeville 
where  you  find  no  great  meanings  ?" — GEORGE  ELIOT. 

When  Handy  and  his  pro  tern  landlord  arrived 
in  Weston  they  discovered  the  ever-faithful  Smith 
at  the  station  awaiting  them.  He  had  been  on 
the  lookout  for  over  an  hour.  As  he  had  nothing 
in  particular  to  occupy  his  mind,  the  railroad  sta- 
tion was  as  interesting  a  place  as  any  he  could 
find  in  which  to  loiter.  The  evening  was  not 
particularly  agreeable;  Smith,  however,  did  not 
mind  a  little  thing  like  that.  He  could  stand  it; 
besides,  he  was  most  anxious  to  meet  his  man- 
ager immediately  and  ascertain  what  the  future 
promised  from  actual  and  personal  observation. 
He  was  pleased  when  the  train  rolled  in  and  the 
two  advance  men  alighted.  Few  words  were  ex- 
changed between  Smith  and  his  principal,  but  few 
as  they  were,  he  was  convinced  that  the  visit  to 
Gotown  was  satisfactory.  The  trio  reached  the 
hotel  in  time  for  a  substantial  supper.  That  dis- 
posed of,  and  when  the  dishes  were  cleared  away, 
Handy  began  to  unburden  himself: 

"I  wish  to  see  the  members  of  the  company 
to-night,  Smith,  and  have  a  talk  with  them.  We 
have  secured  the  opening  night  in  a  brand-new 

187 


1 88  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

house  next  Saturday  night — the  Gotown  Metro- 
politan Academy  of  Music.  Don't  look  surprised. 
It  is  a  fact.  The  place  isn't  quite  completed  yet, 
and  may  not  be  altogether  finished  when  we  open 
it.  However,  that  cuts  no  ice,  for  I  never  in  my 
experience  found  a  newly  built  theatre  to  be  alto- 
gether ready  at  the  time  it  was  announced  to  open 
— but  the  place  opened,  just  the  same." 

"Is  it  really  a  new  house,  Handy?"  inquired 
Smith,  somewhat  in  doubt. 

"It  will  be  when  it  is  finished." 

"Have  you  seen  the  builder's  designs?  What 
kind  of  a  place  is  it,  anyhow?" 

"Designs  be  hanged!  No.  They  build  without 
plans  in  Gotown.  The  place  is  growing  so  al- 
mighty fast  they  have  no  time  to  waste  preparing 
plans  or  designs.  The  builder  thinks  them  out  as 
he  works  along." 

"But  there's  a  hall?"  inquired  Smith,  doubt- 
ingly  as  before. 

"I  told  you,"  replied  Handy,  a  little  vexed,  "it 
isn't  there  yet,  but  we  will  find  it  there  when  we 
arrive.  Don't  you  want  to  risk  it,  Smith?" 

"Of  course  I  want  to  go,  but  there  are  some 
who  hesitate." 

"Who  are  they?" 

"I'd  sooner  you  would  find  it  out  from  them- 
selves." 

"That's  it,  eh?  Mutineers  on  board.  Well, 
all  I  can  say  is  they  can  fly  the  coop  at  once,  and 
take  the  next  train  back."  At  this  point  a  knock 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  189 

was  heard  at  the  door  and  three  members  of  the 
company  entered.  "Ah,  good-evening,  gentle- 
men!" said  Handy  blandly.  "Be  seated." 

Then  in  his  own  peculiar  manner  he  described 
his  visit  to  Gotown,  the  kind  of  a  place  it  was, 
and  the  prospects  of  the  proposed  venture.  They 
listened  attentively  to  his  story.  When  he  in- 
formed them  that  to  the  company  was  given  the 
distinguished  privilege  of  opening  the  new  estab- 
lishment, they  signified  their  willingness  to  take 
chances.  There  was  one,  however,  who  showed 
the  white  feather.  From  his  manner  it  was  evi- 
dent he  was  the  one  disturbing  element  in  the 
otherwise  harmonious  organization.  Hd  ex- 
hibited his  ill-concealed  contempt  of  the  scheme 
by  smirks,  smiles,  and  shrugs.  He  could  hardly 
be  considered  an  actor.  His  best  attempts  at  act- 
ing were  bad — at  times  they  reached  the  limit. 
Off  the  stage  he  was  a  snob  by  affiliation  and  a 
gossiper  by  inclination.  He  drifted  into  the  pro- 
fession on  the  tide  of  his  own  vanity  and  con- 
tinued in  the  lower  ranks  through  the  merit  of 
his  complete  unfitness  to  advance  a  rung  higher. 
There  are  many  of  his  kmd  in  every  calling. 

"I  wish  to  say  one  thing  right  here  and  now," 
said  Handy,  and  with  firmness.  "I  want  no  un- 
willing volunteers,  and  I  am  not  offering  bounties. 
This  Gotown  venture  promises  well.  I  told  you 
what  I  could  and  would  do  if  things  panned  out 
all  right,  and  what  I  would  do,  anyhow,  no  mat- 
ter 'how  things  went.  I  think  from  my  standpoint 


1 9o  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

the  proposition  is  a  fair  one.  You  are  the  best 
judges  from  your  point.  Anyone  who  don't  wish 
to  go,  needn't.  That's  all." 

"Well,"  replied  Smith  promptly  and  cheerfully, 
"I  guess  if  you  can  stand  it,  we  can;  at  least  I 
speak  for  myself." 

Those  present,  except  the  individual  indicated, 
coincided  with  Smith. 

"May  I  inquire,"  asked  the  menber  of  the  com- 
pany indicated,  "what  manner  of  entertainment 
you  propose  to  present  at  this  a — a — Gotown 
place,  Mr.  Handy?" 

"Certainly  you  may,"  answered  Handy  calmly. 
"It  will  be  one  in  which  there  is  no  part  for  you, 
sir." 

"What  do  you  mean?" 

"Only  this:  Gotown  or  no  Gotown,  you  are 
not  in  it.  I  have  been  studying  your  actions  for 
some  time.  As  an  actor,  we  can  dispense  with 
your  services.  There  is  no  position  in  this  com- 
pany for  disturbers  or  gossipers." 

"I  think  this  is  the " 

Handy  continued,  not  paying  the  slightest  at- 
tention to  the  speaker's  interruption:  "The  next 
train  leaves  at  10:13  for  the  city — about  an  hour 
from  now.  Your  ticket  will  be  given  you  at  the 
station,  and  you  can  leave  here.  You  are  no 
longer  a  member  of  this  company." 

This  episode,  instead  of  weakening  Handy  in 
the  estimation  of  his  people,  tended  rather  to 
strengthen  him.  It  proved  that  he  could  wield 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  191 

power  when  he  considered  it  necessary  to  do  so. 
Notwithstanding  that  the  departing  one  was  un- 
popular with  his  associates,  he  had  managed 
through  insinuating  manners  and  slippery  speech 
to  create  petty  dissensions.  After  he  departed  he 
was  voted  very  much  of  a  bore  by  those  who  re- 
mained. Handy,  on  the  contrary,  did  not  even 
once  refer  to  the  subject.  The  act  he  considered 
from  a  purely  business  standpoint.  He  had  mat- 
ters on  hand  of  greater  moment  to  engross  his 
attention. 

All  told,  his  company  numbered  seven  acting 
members.  He  had  no  advance  man  or  press 
agent.  He  did  not  need  either.  Weston  he  made 
business  manager — he  himself  was  director  in 
general  and  actor  in  particular.  So  far  every- 
thing was  all  right.  What  puzzled  him  most 
was  the  class  of  entertainment  he  had  to  supply. 
His  company  was  not  such  as  he  considered  an 
adaptable  one;  it  was  not  such  as  he  had  when 
he  made  the  descent  on  Newport.  The  dwarf  was 
not  there;  neither  was  Nibsy — both  valuable 
people  from  a  strolling  player's  standpoint.  It  is 
true  he  had  his  loyal  friend  Smith,  and  Smith 
could  be  relied  upon  for  any  emergency.  With 
the  ability  of  the  remaining  members  of  his  troupe 
he  was  comparatively  unacquainted.  In  no  way 
disheartened,  he  determined  to  do  the  best  he 
could.  A  scene  from  one  play  and  an  act  from 
another,  with  a  liberal  sprinkling  of  songs  and 
dances  and  monologues  sandwiched  in  between 


1 92  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

the  so-called  dramatic  portions,  he  concluded, 
would  be  as  good  a  bill  of  fare  as  he  could  supply. 
This,  with  the  assistance  of  the  Handel  and  Hay- 
den  Philharmonic  Orchestra,  ought  to  in  all  rea- 
son satisfy  Gotown  and  its  audience. 

"We  are  not  so  all-fired  badly  fixed,  after  all, 
Smith,  old  boy,"  said  Handy,  in  his  customary 
optimistic  manner,  as  they  sat  together  reviewing 
the  situation.  "With  seven  peole  we  can  attempt 
almost  any  practical  play.  We  played,  you  re- 
member, 'Uncle  Tom's  Cabin'  with  that  number. 
We  also  got  away  with  'Monte  Cristo'  with  seven. 
Of  course  it  wasn't  as  well  done  as  James  O'Neill 
does  it,  but  that's  another  question.  Let  me  see ! 
How  many  did  we  have  when  we  presented 
'Around  the  World  in  Eighty  Days'?" 

"Fourteen,"  quickly  responded  Smith,  "but  that 
included  a  grand  ballet." 

"Ah,  that's  so!  So  it  did,"  said  Handy,  "but 
we  lost  money  on  that  venture.  There's  nothing 
in  these  big  companies.  Small,  compact,  but 
strong  utility  companies  win  every  time.  Charley 
Frohman  will  tell  you  the  same  thing." 

"Seven  is  none  too  many  for  our  work,  Handy." 

"No.  It's  about  the  proper  figure.  With  ju- 
dicious and  intelligent  doubling,  a  good  manager 
might  tackle  almost  anything.  Say,  Smith,  did 
you  ever  have  a  shy  at  Richmond,  in  'Richard 

nr?" 

"Well,  I  should  smile,"  responded  Smith,  with 
a  delighted  expression  on  his  face.  "Richmond! 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  193 

one  of  my  best  roles.  Say!  How  is  this,"  and 
immediately  he  struck  a  theatrical  attitude  and  be- 
gan: 'Thus  far  into  the  bowels  of  the  land  have 
we  marched  on  without  impediment;  Gloster, 
the— 

"Hold!  Let  up  right  where  you  are,"  inter- 
rupted Handy.  "I  know  the  rest.  Say,  Smith, 
my  boy," — and  the  manager  looked  earnestly  at 
the  would-be  Richmond — "I  am  going  to  give  you 
the  opportunity  of  your  life." 

"How's  that?" 

"We  will  present  for  the  first  time  only  the 
great  fifth  act  of  'Richard  IIP  out  of  compliment 
to  the  people  of  Gotown,  and  you  will  be 'the 
Richmond." 

"Oh,  come  off  !"  answered  Smith.  "Why,  darn 
it,  man!  'Richard'  will  be  all  Greek  to  them — 
the  Gotown  public  don't  know  anything  about 
Shakespeare.  Maybe  never  heard  tell  of  him." 

"But  they  will  know  all  about  him  after  we 
introduce  him.  But  that  has  nothing  to  do  with 
the  case.  Now  let  me  enlighten  you.  I  am  afraid 
you  don't  catch  on  to  the  situation.  I  will  explain: 
Don't  you  see  Richmond's  first  speech,  'Thus  far 
into  the  bowels  of  the  land,'  is  typical  of  the 
miner.  He  makes  his  living  by  driving  into  the 
bowels  of  the  land,  don't  he?" 

"You  bet  he  does,  and  good  money,  too,"  an- 
swered Smith  enthusiastically. 

"Into  the  bowels  of  the  land,  or  earth,  as  the 
case  may  be,  have  we  marched  on  without  impedi- 


i94  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

ment."  Handy  paused  here  for  a  moment  to 
catch  his  wandering  thoughts  in  order  to  explain 
his  text.  "You  see,  Smith,  Richmond  marched  on 
without  impediment.  So  does  the  miner  at  first, 
when  he  has  only  to  wrestle  with  the  soil,  sub-soil, 
and  all  that  kind  of  thing.  Then  comes  Gloster, 
the  bloody  and  devouring  boar,  typified  again  by 
the  hard  and  flinty  rock  the  miner  frequently  en- 
counters. For  a  time  there's  a  fierce  struggle  be- 
tween Richard,  as  represented  by  the  rock,  and 
Richmond,  as  personified  by  the  miner.  It's 
about  an  even  bet  as  to  who  wins  out.  The  play 
all  over;  don't  you  see?  There's  a  purty  lively 
scrimmage  between  the  two.  'Tis  nip  and  tuck 
for  a  time.  At  length  Richard  caves  in,  and  Rich- 
mond wins  out.  So  with  the  miner,  the  rock  re- 
sists, then  finally  yields,  and  after  that  the  milk 
and  honey  of  enterprise  in  the  shape  of  liquid  oil 
flows  forth.  Am  I  clear  or  crude,  dear  boy?" 

"Both!"  exclaimed  Smith,  holding  up  both 
hands.  "Handy,  why  in  the  name  of  heaven  were 
you  not  born  rich  instead  of  great?" 

"Smith,"  continued  Handy,  "you  will  be  the 
miner,  I  the  rock — Richmond  and  Richard." 

"Handy,  you  ought  to  print  a  diagram  to  ex- 
plain the  act.  The  audience  may  not  be  able  to 
understand  it  if  you  don't." 

"Map  of  the  seat  of  war,  eh?" 

"Sure." 

"Smith,  did  you  ever  look  over  a  war  map  in 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  195 

any  of  the  newspapers  that  had  special  corre- 
spondents on  the  spot?" 

"Certainly  I  did." 

"And  read  his  description  of  the  scene  of  ac- 
tion?" 

"Yes,  of  course." 

"And  scan  the  scare  headlines,  telegraphic  ac- 
counts of  the  battle,  split  up  and  continued  into 
different  parts  of  the  paper?" 

"Took  in  the  whole  shootin'  match!" 

"And  after  reading  all  this  fine  descriptive  work 
did  you  chance  to  cast  your  eagle  eye  over  the 
editorial  columns?" 

"Sometimes  I  did  and  sometimes  I  didn't.  Gen- 
erally I  give  the  editorial  comments  a  rest." 

"Now,  then,  let  me  ask  you,  after  studying  the 
war  maps,  and  the  diagrams,  and  the  big  heads, 
and  telegraphic  dispatches,  and  our  own  specials, 
etc.,  etc.,  and  so  forth,  what  conclusion  did  you 
come  to  on  the  subject?" 

"That  there  was  a  big  battle  fought  some- 
where in  which  there  were  many  killed  and 
wounded,  perhaps." 

"Now  in  a  few  words  you  tell  the  whole  story, 
and  you  tell  it  well  and  without  illustrations  or 
diagrams,  and  without  any  unnecessary  frills  by 
the  way  of  editorials.  So  will  we  give  the  fight 
to  a  finish  on  Bosworth  Field  without  any  pic- 
torial work.  We'll  just  give  it." 

'  'Tis  your  idea,  then,  to  give  the  act  simply 
with  the  combat  without  explanation?" 


196  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Not  exactly  in  the  way  you  put  it." 

"Say,  Handy,  an  idea  strikes  me.  What  do 
you  say  to  the  suggestion  of  doing  the  combat 
scene  with  two-ounce  gloves.  A  great  scheme,  eh? 
Don't  you  think  so?  'Twould  be  modernizing  the 
piece  and  bring  it  down  to  date." 

"Shades  of  Shakespeare,  angels  and  ministers 
of  graces  defend  us  !  Smith,  Smith,  my  boy,  don't 
talk  tommy-rot!  Gloves  instead  of  swords!  Go 
to.  Don't  you  know,  my  friend,  that  a  glove  fight 
might  leave  Richmond  open  to  a  challenge  from 
some  ambitious  and  undeveloped  Gotown  pugil- 
ist, and  then  where  would  we  be — I  mean  you? 
Oh,  no!  But  I  tell  you  what  wouldn't  be  alto- 
gether out  of  place." 

"Well,  let  us  hear  it." 

"We  might  be  able  to  impress  some  young 
limb  of  the  law,  in  the  shape  of  a  lawyer,  into  the 
service,  who  no  doubt  might,  after  a  brief  study 
of  Professor  John  Phinn's  vocabulary  of  Shakes- 
peare, be  willing  to  go  on  and  tell  who  Richard 
and  Richmond  were  in  their  day,  and  how  Richard 
got  the  stuffin'  knocked  out  of  him  because  he  was 
crooked  and  a  tyrant  and  a  monopolist.  And, 
moreover,  as  all  lawyers  like  to  show  off  in  the 
spouting  line,  when  they  get  the  chance,  he  might 
say  a  good  word  or  two  for  the  immortal  Bard 
of  Avon.  Not  that  Shakespeare  wants  it,  but 
merely  as  an  evidence  of  good  faith." 

"Bully!     The  more  I  see  of  you,  Handy,  the 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  197 

I 

more  convinced  I  am  of  your  remarkable  gen- 
ius." 

"Oh,  that's  all  right,  Smith.  Now,  then,  let 
me  ask  you.  Can  Daisey  De  Vere" — the  only 
woman  remaining  of  the  company — "sing  and 
dance?" 

"She  has  ability  and  she  is  willing  to  stand  by 
us." 

"Has  she  the  experience?" 

"Plenty  of  it,  such  as  it  is.  And  she's  anxious 
for  more  if  she  gets  the  show.  Besides,  Daisey 
is  a  good,  straight  girl,  and  these  are  the  kind,  I 
am  sorry  to  say,  that  have  the  toughest  time  in 
getting  ahead,  but  when  one  of  them  gets  there 
it's  all  smooth  sailing  afterwards.  Yes,  Daisey 
can  do  anything  and  everything  a  decent  girl  can 
try  to  do.  You  can't  faize  her.  You  may  put 
her  down  for  anything  to  help  out.  She's  been 
there  before." 

"What  kind  of  a  voice  has  she — a  singing  voice, 
I  mean?" 

"That  depends." 

"Depends  on  what?" 

"Well,  you  see,  if  she  is  going  to  sing  in  girls' 
duds,  she's  a  contralto;  but  then,  if  she  has  to  do 
her  stunt  in  boys'  clothes,  she  is  a  female  bary- 
tone." 

"Oh,  she  knows  a  trick  or  two,"  said  Handy, 
smiling.  "She  must  have  traveled  some." 

"You  bet.  She's  a  traveler  for  fair.  She  will 
go  anywhere,  and  she's  at  home  wherever  she 


198  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

lands.  She  has  one  trunk  in  Chicago,  another  in 
Cincinnati,  a  valise  in  Buffalo,  a  grip  in  St.  Louis, 
and  other  ventures  she  has  in  safe-keeping  for 
her  elsewhere.  Her  parents  live  in  Chillicothe. 
She  has  a  brother  in  Frisco,  an  aunt  in  New  Or- 
leans, an  Uncle  in  Boston,  an " 

"Hold,  for  pity  sake!"  interrupted  Handy. 
"Let  up !  I  don't  want  to  have  a  geographical  in- 
ventory of  the  girl's  parents,  relatives,  and  per- 
sonal effects  to  ascertain  what  she  can  do  his- 
trionically." 

"Well,"  replied  Smith,  somewhat  nettled,  "you 
can  make  up  your  mind  she  has  wide  experience." 

"I  should  say  so.  With  trunks  and  relatives 
waiting  for  her  like  open  dates  all  over  the  coun- 
try in  most  of  the  big  cities,  I  guess  Gotown 
won't  scare  her.  There  is  one  point,  however,  I 
can  put  you  wise  on — she  will  leave  no  trunk  be- 
hind her  in  Gotown." 

"You  never  can  tell  in  advance,  Handy;  you 
were  always  optimistic.  Why  can't  she,  if  she  has 
a  fad  in  that  direction?" 

"Simply,  my  friend,  because  there  ain't  a  hotel 
in  the  place,  that's  why." 

"What!"  cried  Smith,  in  amazement,  "no  liquor 
stores  in  Gotown?" 

"I  didn't  say  that.    I  said  there  were  no  hotels." 

"What's  the  difference  ?  Don't  you  know  there 
are  no  saloons  in  New  York  now?  They  are  all 
hotels.  The  law  is  strict  on  that  score,  and  if 
Gotown  is  regulated  on  the  same  plan  and  there 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  199 

are  no  hotels,  I'm  beginning  to  have  my  doubts. 
Say,  old  man,  this  is  no  prohibition  colony  you're 
steering  us  up  against,  eh?" 

Handy  looked  at  Smith  in  mild  surprise  and 
without  moving  a  muscle  of  his  face;  but  there 
was  a  quiet  meaning  in  his  eye  that  spoke  more 
forcibly  than  mere  words.  At  length  he  broke 
the  silence. 

"Smith,  I'm  afraid  you  are  not  well.  Get  thee 
to  bed.  Rest  your  altogether  too  active  brain. 
The  Pennsylvania  air  is  a  little  too  much  for  you. 
I  can  get  along  without  further  assistance.  Good- 
night!  See  me  in  the  morning." 


CHAPTER   XXIII 

"All  the  world's  a  stage  and  all  the  men  and  women  merely 
players." — As  You  LIKE  IT. 

Handy  and  Smith  parted  for  the  night,  and  then 
the  veteran  set  to  work  to  concoct  one  of  these 
very  remarkable  programmes  for  which  his  name 
had  become  more  or  less  famous  in  different  parts 
of  the  country.  It  is  true  he  was  considerably 
perplexed  over  the  difficulties  that  confronted  him. 
Perplexities,  difficulties,  and  Handy  were  old  ac- 
quaintances, however.  They  had  met  many  a 
time  and  oft  in  the  past,  and  he  had  weathered 
the  storm  and  as  a  rule  came  out  a  winner.  It 
was  hardly  possible  that  his  customary  good  for- 
tune would  desert  him  on  this  trying  occasion. 
With  the  sole  exception  of  Smith,  he  was  abso- 
lutely unacquainted  with  the  theatric  abilities  of 
his  company  or  how  far  he  could  rely  on  them  to 
carry  into  effect  his  stage  directions.  Daisey  de 
Vere,  judging  from  the  elaborate  characteristic 
account  Smith  had  given  of  her,  rather  appealed 
to  him.  He  felt  satisfied  she  would  fill  her  place 
in  the  bill  of  the  play,  come  what  might.  She 
had  to.  From  the  diagnosis  furnished  by  his  lieu- 
tenant he  thought  she  would  pan  out  all  right.  He 
knew  he  wasn't  going  to  offer  an  entertainment 
200 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  201 

to  a  houseful  of  metropolitan  first-nighters,  with 
attendant  critics  from  the  newspapers  to  display 
their  erudition  next  morning  in  cold  type  and  hot 
words.  He  already  considered  Daisey  as  a  chip 
of  the  old  block. 

It  was  well  into  the  night  when  the  indefati- 
gable manager  got  through  with  his  pen,  which  at 
best  was  a  work  of  labor  to  him — and  hard  labor 
at  that.  It  is  only  fair  to  admit  that  he  had 
meager  theatric  resources  to  draw  upon  and  be 
able  in  any  way  to  whip  it  into  shape  to  fit  the 
exigencies  of  the  approaching  occasion.  He  de- 
rived considerable  comforting  consolation  from 
the  reflection  that  Gotown  was  virgin  soil  upon 
which  he  was  called  upon  to  operate  theatrically. 
As  the  result  of  pondering  with  his  brain  and 
manipulating  with  his  pen,  he  succeeded  in  evolv- 
ing a  draft  of  a  programme  as  mixed  and  varied 
as  might  be  expected  from  the  all-star  company 
gathered  together  at  short  notice  for  a  benefit  or 
testimonial  for  some  popular  unfortunate  player 
— with  several  loopholes  for  such  changes,  altera- 
tions, additions,  subtractions,  multiplications,  and 
divisions  as  might  suggest  themselves  or  be  forced 
upon  him  later  on.  From  the  coinage  of  his 
active  brain  he  succeeded  in  bringing  forth  and 
committing  to  paper  something  like  the  following 
as  his  programme  for  the  inauguration  and  open- 
ing night  of  the  Gotown  Metropolitan  Academy 
of  Music: 


202  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

IMPORTANT  NOTICE 

COME  ONE — COME  ALL — BE  ON  HAND 

GOTOWN  METROPOLITAN  ACADEMY  OF  MUSIC 

Proprietor  and  Owner Mr.  Ed.  McGowan 

Mr.  McGowan  takes  pleasure  in  announcing  that  he  has  en- 
gaged   the    celebrated    Actor-Manager,    Mr.    Sellers 
Micawber  Handy,  and  his  talented  company 
of  performers  to  appear 
NEXT  SATURDAY  EVENING 
To  celebrate  the  anniversary  of  the  founding  of 

GOTOWN 

By  the  official  inauguration  of  the 

METROPOLITAN  ACADEMY  OF  Music 

To  make  the  event  worthy  of  this  occasion 

this  highly  talented  and   distinguished  bunch 

Will  be  presented  under  the  direction  of  Mr.  Handy 

IN  A  VARIEGATED  PROGRAM 

Made  up  of  selections  from  undeniably  good  sources,  ancient 
and  modern.     In  consequence  of  the  length  and  rich- 
ness of  the  Bill,  details  will  not  be  given  out 
until  the  night  of  the  Show.    It  may  be  mentioned,  however,  that 

Singing  and  Dancing 

as  well  as  Acting  in  all  the  various  departments  of  Tragedy, 

Comedy,   Burlesque,   Grand   Opera,    etc.,   etc.,   will  be 

introduced  in  the  most  approved  and  up-to-date 

style  that  circumstances  will  permit 

LOCAL  CELEBRITIES 

Have  generously  volunteered  their  valuable  services  to  lend 

a  hand  and  do  something 

LIST  OF  PRICES 

First  half  of  the  house,  with  seats $1.00 

Second  half,  back  to  the  wall 50 

Seats  in  the  windows,  with  steps  to  get  at  them 50 

Seats   in  the  balcony,   first  two   rows 75 

General  admission,  with  a  chance  for  a  seat 25 

Tickets  in  advance  may  be  purchased  beforehand  at 

Ed.  McGowan's  Spiritual  Emporium 
Tickets  bought  of  speculators  on  the  outside  will  be  refused 

at  the  door 
The  entertainment  will  start  at  8  o'clock  and  wind  up  when 

the  audience  have  all  they  want 

P.  S. — Don't  miss  this  chance,  for  it  will  be  the  only  anni- 
versary of  its  kind  with  which  Gotown  will  be  honored 
in  a  long  time  to  come. 

The  Weston  Handel  and  Hayden  Philharmonic  Society  will 
handle  the  Music 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  203 

After  Handy  had  finished  his  herculean  labor 
in  concocting  this  extraordinary  playbill,  he  leaned 
back  in  his  chair  and  read  and  reread  it  over  and 
over  again,  to  assure  himself  it  was  all  right. 
Then  with  the  consciousness  that  he  had  done  his 
duty,  he  lay  down  to  rest  for  a  few  hours  to  recu- 
perate before  he  again  took  up  the  thread  of  that 
busy  life  which,  though  at  times  it  brought  him 
sore  trials  and  tribulations,  never  appeared  to 
have  robbed  him  of  that  measure  of  contentment 
and  cheerfulness  with  his  lot  which  was  his  chief 
characteristic  in  sustaining  him  through  the  tem- 
porary storms  of  adversity  which  he  encountered. 


CHAPTER   XXIV 

"There's  nothing  to  be  got  nowadays  unless  thou  can'st  fish 
for  it." — PERICLES  PRINCE  OF  TYRE. 

The  following  day  was  a  busy  one  in  thought 
and  action.  Notwithstanding  the  disposition  and 
energy  of  the  Gotown  proprietor  in  getting  the 
Academy  of  Music  ready,  there  were  many  things 
to  be  considered  apart  from  the  mere  putting  up 
of  the  structure  itself.  And  these  were  as  neces- 
sary as  the  house  proper.  In  the  first  place,  there 
was  not  >a  stitch  of  canvas  prepared  for  the  scen- 
ery; the  lighting  of  the  house  had  to  be  consid- 
ered, and  the  arrangements  for  the  seating  had 
not  been  mentioned.  These  were  some  of  the 
perplexities  that  confronted  Handy. 

The  first  thing  he  did  to  prepare  himself  for 
the  work  before  him  was  to  take  a  bath.  He  was 
a  a  great  believe  in  hygiene,  and  cold  water  for 
bathing  purposes  he  considered  the  best  of  medi- 
cines. The  bath  taken,  he  sat  down  to  a  good 
plain  and  substantial  meal,  with  an  appetite  to  en- 
joy it.  Then,  after  carefully  loading  his  briar- 
wood,  he  sumnnoned  his  man  Friday  for  consulta- 
tion. 

"Now,  then,  Smith,  we  have  some  work  ahead 
this  trip,  I  can  tell  you,  and  no  mistake;  and  I 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  205 

hardly  know  where  to  begin.  Anyhow,  call  a  re- 
hearsal for  one  o'clock." 

"A  what!  A  rehearsal?"  replied  Smith, 
amazed.  "A  rehearsal — rehearsal  of  what,  and 
may  I  inquire  where?" 

"That's  so,"  said  Handy  thoughtfully.  "That's 
so.  Never  mind  putting  up  the  call,  or  better 
still,  go  and  see  the  members  of  the  company  and 
tell  them  to  be  ready  for  the  call.  I'll  decide  later 
what  I  want  them  to  do." 

The  next  move  of  the  veteran  was  to  call  on 
the  manager  of  the  Weston  Theatre  to  see  if  he 
could  have  the  use  of  the  stage  for  the  afternoon. 
He  found  he  could  not,  as  the  company  then  play- 
ing there  wanted  it  for  the  rehearsal  of  a  new 
play  they  had  in  rehearsal.  If  the  next  day  would 
suit,  the  stage  was  at  his  disposal.  This  was  an 
agreeable  surprise  to  Handy.  It  suited  him  much 
better,  as  it  gave  him  a  little  more  time  -to  think 
over  the  bill  he  should  present  at  Gotown.  He 
hastened  to  the  hotel  and  instructed  Smith  to  call 
the  people  for  rehearsal  at  the  Weston  Theatre  at 
eleven  o'clock  next  forenoon. 

This  piece  of  business  off  his  mind,  he  sought 
his  partner  in  the  Gotown  venture,  to  ascertain 
about  the  Handel  and  Hayden  Philharmonic. 
Weston  had  just  returned  from  a  visit  to  Herr 
Anton  Wagner,  the  leader  and  president  of  the 
society. 

"I  have  just  parted  with  the  boss  of  the  spiel- 
ers," said  Weston,  "and  I  am  a  bit  disappointed. 


206  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

I  don't  think  we  can  get  them  to  do  the  street 
parade  stunt,  but  for  the  night  job  they  will  be 
all  O.  K." 

"What  do  you  mean  by  the  street  parade 
stunt?"  inquired  Handy,  in  some  surprise.  "That's 
a  new  one  on  me." 

"Well,  I  thought  it  would  be  a  great  scheme  if 
we  could  get  the  Phillies  to  get  out  their  wind 
instruments  and  play  a  few  tunes  through  the  main 
street  from  the  station  up  to  the  new  Academy 
the  afternoon  of  the  show.  You  know  I  have  a 
couple  of  dozen  army  overcoats  in  the  storeroom. 
The  spielers  could  wear  them.  Then  when  they 
got  to  the  Academy  they  could  shed  their  street 
armor,  hide  their  wind  instruments,  and  start  in 
on  the  string  instruments  in  their  glad  rags." 

Handy  smiled,  and  asked:  "How  did  you  suc- 
ceed?" 

"Couldn't  work  the  street  racket." 

"Why?" 

"Because  the  men  had  to  work  at  their  regular 
jobs.  Wagner  is  a  shoemaker.  He  works  the 
trombone  in  the  streets  and  the  bull  fiddle  under 
cover.  The  man  that  works  the  cornet  in  the  out- 
side operates  the  fiddle  on  the  inside,  and  he's  a 
dandy  at  it.  He's  a  tailor,  and  a  good  one.  He 
made  the  coat  that's  on  my  back;  the  man 
that " 

"Hold  on.  That's  enough!"  broke  in  Handy. 
"I'm  just  as  well  pleased  you  didn't  get  them  to 
do  that  street  stunt.  But  you  are  sure  there  will 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  207 

be  no  disappointment  for  the  night's  perform- 
ance?" 

"Sure.  They  are  all  anxious  to  go.  But  Herr 
Wagner  wants  his  name  to  be  mentioned  on  the 
bills  as  leader  and  president  of  the  Handel  and 
Hayden  Philharmonic  Society." 

"All  right.    He  will  have  a  line  on  the  bills." 

"He. gave  me  a  pointer,  too,  and  asked  me  to 
speak  to  you  about  it." 

"What  is  it?" 

"The  man  that  works  the  fiddle, — Wagner  calls 
him  his  first  violin, — is  an  Irishman.  His  name 
is  Nick  Cullen  in  the  shop,  but  when  he  tackles 
the  fiddle  in  public  he  is  known  as  Signer  Nicola 
Collenso.  If  you  give  him  a  place  on  the  pro- 
gramme you  can  put  him  down  for  a  violin  solo 
on  the  stage." 

"Tell  him  to  meet  me  to-morrow  on  the  stage 
of  the  theatre  at  twelve." 

"Good !    Nick  will  be  tickled  to  death." 

"Now,  then,  old  man,  we're  all  right  so  far  as 
the  entertainment  is  concerned.  That  don't  bother 
me  a  little  bit.  But  the  Gotown  Academy  sits 
heavily  on  my  mind,  and  all  on  account  of  minor 
consideratoins  and  the  shortness  of  time  in  the 
way  of  lighting,  tickets,  seats  for  the  audience  and 
scenery.  We  can't  act  in  the  dark,  the  people  who 
pay  for  reserved  seats  won't  care  for  standing 
two  or  three  hours,  no  matter  how  good  our  bill 
of  fare  is,  and  there  ought  to  be  something  in 
the  way  of  scenery,  else  those  who  pay  their 


208  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

good  coin  may  kick.  Do  I  make  myself  quite 
plain?" 

"Very.    And  have  we  to  supply  all  these?" 

"You  bet!  Who  else  is  going  to  do  it?  This 
Gotown  proposition  was  yours.  I  am  willing  to 
do  all  I  can.  This  is  Wednesday.  There's  no 
time  to  waste." 

"So  am  I  willing.  But  you  are  bossing  the  job. 
Tell  me  what  you  want  me  to  do  and  I'll  do  it." 

"Then  take  the  next  train  for  Gotown;  see  Mc- 
Gowan,  go  with  him  to  the  printers  at  once  and 
get  out  the  tickets,  so  many  at  one  dollar,  so  many 
at  seventy-five  cents,  the  rest  at  fifty  and  on  all  of 
these  have  reserved  seats  in  big  type.  You  can 
then  have  as  many  as  you  think  we  need  for  gen- 
eral admission.  Have  no  reserved  seats  printed 
on  them.  I  will  give  you  the  copy  for  the  printer 
before  you  go.  When  does  the  train  start?" 

"About  half  hour  from  now." 

"Find  out  from  McGowan  all  about  the  light- 
ing of  the  place,  and  what  arrangements  he  has 
made  about  seating  the  crowd;  and  be  sure  you 
ascertain  if  there  is  any  danger  of  the  house 
not  being  ready  for  us.  You  know  we  have  no 
written  or  regular  contract,  as  all  well  regulated 
companies  like  ours  should  have.  If  any  other 
little  thing  occurs  to  me  I'll  wire  you,  and  if  any- 
thing really  important  takes  place  up  there  that 
won't  hold  over  until  you  get  back,  wire  me. 
Here's  the  copy  for  the  tickets.  Have  them  print- 
ed at  once.  Get  the  different  priced  tickets  on 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  209 

different  colored  cards.  Red,  white,  and  blue — 
and  green.  Now,  then,  go,  and  good  speed  and 
good  luck." 

On  the  second  visit  to  the  theatre  Handy  was 
pleased  to  notice  that  everything  was  arranged 
for  him  to  have  the  use  of  the  stage  next  day. 
Though  the  manager  was  perfectly  agreeable 
about  it,  he  was  noticeably  worried  about  some- 
thing, and  Handy  recognized  it  at  once.  Like 
Gilbert's  policeman,  the  manager's  life  at  times 
is  not  a  happy  one. 

"You  seem  to  be  put  out  about  something, 
Governor?"  All  managers  of  theatres  as  a  rule 
are  governors,  through  courtesy,  and  they  like  to 
be  so  addressed. 

"I  am.  Say,  let  me  ask  you  a  question.  Did 
you  ever  have  a  date  broken  on  you  at  short 
notice?" 

"Did  I?"  exclaimed  Handy,  with  a  smile.  "Dis- 
appointments and  I  are  old  acquaintances." 

"You  can  then  realize  my  feelings.  The  last 
three  days  of  next  week  in  the  theatre  are  open, 
and  this  is  the  second  troupe  that  broke  with 
me,  and  next  Thursday  is  a  holiday.  Like  a  fool, 
I  made  no  effort  to  fill  the  first  part  of  the  week, 
relying  on  the  holiday  night,  Friday  and  Satur- 
day's two  performances  to  make  up  the  difference. 
Isn't  that  tough?" 

"That  is  tough,"  answered  Handy  sympatheti- 
cally. "That  is  pretty  hard.  Why  don't  you 
wire " 


210  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

"Oh,  don't  talk  to  me  about  wiring  or  tele- 
graphing or  mailing.  I  have  been  doing  that  for 
nearly  a  week,  until  I  am  nearly  gone  daft.  Of 
course  I  could  get  the  regular  fake,  or  barn-storm- 
ers  or  turkey  companies — you  know  'em — but 
none  of  'em  for  me.  I  want  companies  I  know 
something  .about." 

"Quite  right.  People  you  can  rely  on,"  con- 
tinued Handy.  "You  are  in  a  pretty  bad  fix,  and 
if  I  can  help  you  out  in  any  way  I'll  be  only  too 
happy  to  do  so.  To  be  frank  with  you,  this  Go- 
town  venture  has  been  worrying  me  more  than 
I  care  to  admit.  You  know  we  open  the  new 
Academy  of  Music  there  Saturday  night,  and  the 
reason  the  proprietor  is  in  such  haste  to  do  so 
on  that  date  is  because  Saturday  is  the  anniversary 
of  the  founding  of  the  town." 

"I  don't  see  there's  anything  in  that  to  worry 
you.  You're  dead  sure  to  get  the  crowd." 

"Oh,  that's  all  right!  But  then  I  am  awfully 
afraid  the  scenery  won't  be  ready.  It  was  ordered 
only  a  short  time  ago.  The  owner  of  the  theatre 
knows  nothing  about  our  business  and  left  it 
until,  I  am  afraid,  it's  too  late.  So  now  you  can 
see  the  fix  I  am  in." 

"That's  too  bad,  too  bad!  Where  do  you  play 
after  leaving  Gotown?" 

"Oh,  after  Gotown,  eh?"  and  Handy  became 
thoughtful  and  silent  for  a  moment,  and  then 
slowly  and  deliberately  explained:  "Oh,  after  Go- 
town  we  are  going  to  lay  off  for  a  week  and  add 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  211 

three  or  fouri  new  members  to  our  company. 
They  are  not  exactly  new,  for  they  were  with  us 
before,  and  are  all  good,  reliable  people  and  are 
up  in  the  stage  business  of  'Down  on  the  Old 
Farm,'  a  rattling  good  piece." 

It  might  as  well  be  explained  now,  as  later, 
that  up  to  the  time  that  the  Weston  manager  made 
known  his  troubles  and  his  open  dates  Handy 
had  not  the  slightest  thought  of  "Down  on  the 
Old  Farm,"  and  did  not  have  a  date  after  Go- 
town. 

"Say,  Mr.  Handy,  how  large  is  the  stage  of 
the  new  Gotown  house?" 

"Well,"  said  Handy,  after  casting  his  eyes 
meaningly  around  the  stage,  "I  should  say  that  it 
is  about  the  size  of  this  one.  Perhaps  a  little 
deeper."  He  had,  of  course,  never  been  inside  of 
the  Gotown  establishment — it  being  yet  unbuilt. 

"Now,  then,  I  tell  you  what  I'll  do.  I  can  help 
you  and  you  in  turn  can  assist  me.  I  have  no 
attraction  here  for  Saturday  night.  You  can 
therefore  make  use  of  what  scenery  you  require, 
under  the  circumstances,  without  the  drop  cur- 
tain; but  I  have  a  first-rate  green  baize  in  the 
storeroom  and  I  will  loan  all  of  it  to  you.  My 
property  room  is  well  stocked,  and  you  can  have 
the  use  of  the  props.  Moreover,  I'll  send  my 
stage  manager  up  to  Gotown  to  help  you — on  one 
condition." 

"Name  it,  Governor." 

"That  you  will  fill  my  dates  of  three  nights  of 


212  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

next  week  with  'Down  on  the  Old  Farm'  in  this 
theatre." 

Handy  was  dumbfounded  at  the  proposition.  It 
seemed  almost  like  a  glimpse  of  heaven.  He  was 
almost  overpowered,  and  in  a  somewhat  hesitat- 
ing manner  replied:  "It  is  very  kind  of  you,  Gov- 
ernor, but  I  cannot  give  you  an  entirely  decisive 
answer  just  now;  but  this,  I  assure  you,  you  may 
miake  your  mind  easy.  I  must,  if  only  for  courtesy 
sake,  consult  my  partner,  who  is  now  in  Gotown. 
Besides,  I  must  see  the  Gotown  manager.  I  may 
be  magnifying  the  disappointment  about  the 
scenery.  The  kindness  of  your  -offer  and  your 
generosity  in  putting  your  scenery  at  my  disposal 
appeals  to  my  heart.  I  think  I  can  give  you  an 
assurance  that  your  date  will  be  filled  for  the 
last  three  nights  of  next  week  with  'Down  on  the 
Old  Farm.' " 

"I  can  rely  on  your  word?" 

"Here's  my  hand.  The  usual  terms,  I  sup- 
pose?" 

"I'll  go  ten  per  cent  better." 

"Get  out  your  printing  at  once  for  'The  Old 
Farm,'  iand  make  all  necessary  arrangements.  I'll 
be  off  to  Gotown  at  once.  I'll  run  down  and  send 
my  man  up  to  get  the  scenery  ready  for  Gotown 
to-morrow  afternoon." 

Handy  made  hasty  steps  down  to  the  hotel, 
consulted  with  Smith,  and  instructed  him  to  go  up 
to  the  theatre  and  take  a  look  over  the  scenery 
and  props. 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  213 

"Our  end  of  the  work  here  is  all  right,  Smith, 
my  boy,  but  I  am  a  bit  nervous  about  the  Gotown 
lay-out.  Not  that  I  doubt  Mr.  McGowan's  inten- 
tions, but  I  am  afraid  he  has  bitten  off  more  than 
he  can  chew.  However,  there's  no  need  in  bidding 
the  devil  good-morrow  till  you're  up  foreninst 
him,  is  there?"  Then  slapping  Smith  heartily  on 
the  back  he  cried:  "And  we  are  all  right  for  next 
week,  too.  We  play  the  old  stand-by  'Down  on 
the  Old  Farm'  at  the  Weston  the  last  three  nights. 
Come  down  with  me  to  the  station  and  I'll  tell 
you  more.  I  am  off  for  Gotown.  Will  see  you 
to-night,  if  I  can;  but  if  not,  I  will  be  with  you 
the  first  thing  in  the  morning.  There's  no  time 
to  lose." 


CHAPTER  XXV 

"Joy  danced  with  Mirth,  a  gay,  fantastic  Crowd." — COLLINS. 

It  was  a  surprise  when  Handy's  cheerful  face 
was  seen  on  the  threshold  of  McGowan's  em- 
porium. 

"Well,  I'm  blest!  Look  here,  Wes,  see  who's 
here!  In  the  name  of  fortune,  what  wind  blew 
you  in?" 

"Oh!"  replied  Handy,  in  his  usual  good- 
humored  way,  "I  was  growin'  lazy  workin'  so 
hard,  and  ran  up  to  see  how  the  Academy  is  grow- 
ing." 

"Fine  as  silk.  We  are  putting  in  overtime  on 
it  to-night  in  the  way  of  gasfitting.  You  know, 
Handy,"  said  McGowan,  confidentially,  "these 
gasfitters,  like  plumbers,  are  curious  critters  and 
need  watching,  and  I'm  going  to  have  them  work 
night  and  day  until  they  get  through.  I  wouldn't, 
between  ourselves,  have  this  anniversary  celebra- 
tion fall  through  for  any  amount  of  money, 
but " 

"Ah!  I  was  expecting  that." 

"That  but?" 

"But  we  haven't  a  stitch  of  scenery  for  the  darn 
stage.  That's  what's  worrying  me,  and  I  can't  see 
me  way  to  mend  it." 

214 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  215 

The  veteran  smiled,  and  then  calmly  asked,  "Is 
that  all  that  perplexes  you?" 

"And  isn't  that  enough?"  exclaimed  his  friend. 

"Well,  under  ordinary  circumstances,"  replied 
the  veteran,  "it  would  be  more  than  enough;  but 
let  me  relieve  your  anxieties.  All  the  necessary 
scenery,  properties,  including  a  green  baize  cur- 
tain, latest  style,  will  reach  Gotown  Friday  night 
on  special  car." 

Weston  opened  his  eyes  and  mouth  in  wonder 
and  exclaimed  "What!" 

McGowan,  on  the  contrary,  became  serious  and 
asked,  "Handy,  say,  are  you  kiddin'  us?" 

"I  am  telling  you  the  truth." 

Then  he  explained  to  McGowan  how,  through 
the  kindness  and  patriotism  of  the  manager  of 
the  Weston  Theatre,  he  was  able  to  do  the  trick. 

McGowan  looked  at  Handy  a  moment,  then 
caught  him  in  an  embrace  and  let  a  yell  out  of 
him  that  could  be  heard  a  half  mile  distant. 

"Patsy!"  he  yelled  out,  "get  a  move  on  you. 
Call  in  Hans  to  help  you,  and  I'll  take  a  hand  in 
myself.  Handy,  you're  a  bird!  All  present  step 
up  to  the  bar  and  drink  the  health,  prosperity,  and 
good  luck  of  Mr.  Handy  and  his  friend,  the  man- 
ager of  the  Weston  Theatre.  This  is  on  the 
house." 

As  soon  as  things  quieted  down  and  Handy  had 
a  chance  to  have  a  chat  with  his  partner,  Weston, 
he  learned  that  the  show  promised  great  results 
financially. 


2i6  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

Now/that  the  scenery  problem  was  solved,  every- 
body seemed  happy.  Big  Ed  was  the  happiest  of 
the  lot.  He  shook  hands  with  everyone  who 
came  in  as  the  night  grew  older,  and  his  descrip- 
tion of  the  special  car,  and  the  green  baize  cur- 
tain, just  like  any  first-class  theatre  in  New  York, 
Boston  or  Philadelphia,  was  glowing  and  pic- 
turesque. He  was  determined  to  show  the  people 
of  Gotown  and  the  remainder  of  the  county  that 
Gotown  was  in  it  with  both  feet,  and  when  she 
started  out  to  do  things  that  she  could  do  it  and 
make  no  mistake  about  it. 

Handy  and  Weston  took  the  late  train  and 
reached  Weston  shortly  after  midnight,  and  re- 
tired for  a  good  night's  rest. 

Next  morning  as  Handy  and  his  host  sat  to- 
gether at  breakfast,  he  explained  the  arrange- 
ment 'he  had  entered  into  with  the  regular  Wes- 
ton impresario.  "The  deal  wasn't  quite  closed. 
I  wanted,  as  I  told  him,  to  consult  you,  my  partner 
in  the  Gotown  proposition.  I  wished  to  give  you 
a  chance  to  go  snacks  with  me  in  this  new  venture, 
if  agreeable,  on  condition  that  you  be  as  light  as 
possible  on  the  company  for  board  and  lodging 
while  they  are  not  working." 

Both  of  them  then  set  out  for  the  theatre,  where 
they  found  Smith  and  the  company.  Smith  was  in 
consultation  with  the  stage  manager  of  the  house. 
Between  them  they  had  already  selected  three 
drop  scenes — a  parlor,  a  drawing-room,  and  a 
landscape  or  wood,  two  pairs  of  wings,  two  fly 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  217 

borders,  and  a  pair  of  tormentors,  the  green  baize 
curtain,  and  the  stage  carpet. 

"Say,  Wes,  how  does  this  strike  you?"  asked 
Handy,  in  a  stage  whisper. 

"Great!  but  how  did  you  do  it?"  he  replied, 
in  a  manner  bordering  on  amazement. 

"Hush!  You  never  can  find  out  how  to  get 
out  of  a  hole  until  you  first  get  into  one." 

"Big  Ed  McGowan  will  be  the  most  surprised 
man  in  Pennsylvania  when  he  sees  all  this  landed 
at  the  doors  of  the  Academy." 

"Oh,  Mr.  Smith!  have  you  had  a  talk  with 
the  people,  and  how  do  they  stand?" 

"Prepared  for  anything,  and  are  eager  for  the 
fray,"  answered  Smith,  in  a  breezy  off-hand  man- 
ner. 

"Good!  Now  then  sit  down  at  the  prompt  ta- 
ble there  and  make  notes,"  directed  Handy,  "of 
our  layout.  We  open  with  a  grand  overture  by 
the  Handel  and  Hayden  Philharmonic  Society; 
and  as  a  matter  of  course,  on  account  of  their 
patriotic  kindness  in  volunteering  for  the  celebra- 
tion of  the  anniversary  of  the  foundation  of  Go- 
town,  they  will  have  an  encore  and  will  then  play 
a  medley  of  national  American  airs,  'Yankee 
Doodle,'  'Hail,  Columbia,'  'Patrick's  Day,'  'The 
Watch  on  the  Rhine,'  'The  Star  Spangled  Ban- 
ner,' and  'Dixie.'  Then  the  curtain  will  go  up  on 
'Box  and  Cox.'  You'll  play  Box,  Diggins  will  do 
Cox,  and  Cromwell  will  play  Mrs.  Bouncer." 

"Hold  on,  sir,"  said  Smith.     "Cromwell  can't 


218  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

do  Mrs.  Bouncer — he  has  a  moustache,  you 
know." 

Handy  smiled.  "Let  him  shave  it  off.  Don't 
you  remember  that  in  Augustin  Daly's  theatre,  in 
the  very  heyday  of  its  glory,  Mr.  Daly  would 
not  allow  any  actor  to  wear  hair  on  his  face? 
Cromwell  is  too  good  an  actor  to  hesitate  to  make 
so  slight  a  sacrifice  in  the  interest  of  art.  Tell 
him  I  said  so,  Smith." 

Smith  smiled,  and  in  a  stage  whisper  said:  "He 
heard  all  you  said.  Yes,  Mr.  Cromwell  will 
shave." 

"Then  will  follow  Miss  De  Vere  in  one  of  her 
coon  songs,  after  the  style  of  Fay  Templeton, 
May  Irwin  or What's  that,  boy?"  address- 
ing a  lad  who  approached  the  prompt  table. 

"There's  a  man  back  at  the  stage  door,  sir," 
replied  the  boy,  "with  a  fiddle  case  under  his  arm, 
who  says  you  have  a  date  with  him." 

"Oh,  yes !  That's  all  right,  my  boy.  Where  is 
he?"  and  Handy  walked  back  with  the  boy.  "Is 
this  Signor  Collenso,  about  whom  I  have  heard 
so  many  pleasant  things?" 

"Say,  Mr.  Handy,  me  name  is  plain  Bill  Cul- 
len  for  every-day  work,  but  for  professional  pur- 
poses in  the  music  line  I  discovered  that  it  pays 
to  put  on  a  bit  of  style,  and  that's  how  I  came  to 
ring  in  the  Collenso." 

"Quite  right,  my  dear  fellow!  All  artists  of 
more  or  less  great  ability,  especially  in  the  musical 
line,  make  such  alterations.  For  instance,  Lizzie 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  219 

Norton  is  twisted  into  Mme.  Nordica;  Pat  Foley 
changed  into  Signor  Foli ;  and  when  Ellen  Mitchell 
became  great,  she  dropped  the  old  name  and 
Italianized  it  into  Melba.  Oh,  that's  all  right." 

"Yes,  sir;  I  know  all  that,  and  there  are  others. 
But  when  you  and  I  are  talking,  let  us  give  the 
Italian  cognomen  a  rest.  Now,  what  do  you  want 
me  to  do?" 

"What  can  you  do?" 

"Oh,  something  of  everything — classic  and 
otherwise." 

"What  can  you  do  in  the  classics,  for  example?" 

"Selections  from  Mendelssohn,  Paganini,  Schu- 
mann, Rubinstein " 

"Say,  my  friend,"  asked  Handy,  in  some  sur- 
prise, "do  you  play  such  music?" 

"Oh,  yes,  whenever  I  get  a  chance  in  public; 
but  when  alone  they  are  my  favorites."  But,  then, 
for  encores  I  give  them  'Killarney,'  'Molly  Bawn,' 
'The  Swanee  River,'  'Mr.  Dooley,'  'Harrigan' — 
anything  that's  popular  and  what  they  call  up  to 
date/' 

"All  right,  Cullen.  I'm  busy  just  now.  Will 
you  call  around  to  the  hotel  to-night  and  we'll 
have  a  chat,  and  fix  things  up?" 

"Sure.     I'll  be  on  hand.     About  eight  o'clock." 

Handy  then  returned  to  the  prompt  table. 

"Where  were  we,  Smith?  Oh,  yes!  I  remem- 
ber; we  were  giving  Miss  De  Vere  a  dance.  Well, 
after  Daisey's  dance  will  come  Sefior  Collenso's 
violin  solo,  selection  from  Paganini.  Then  will 


220  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

follow  the  talented  young  Gotown  lawyer  in  a 
dissertation  on  Shakespeare,  and  also  inform  them 
about  the  mill  between  Richard  and  Richmond. 
Smith,  have  you  all  that  down?" 

"Every  word  of  it." 

"And  then  will  come  the  fight  between  Richard 
and  Richmond  with  broadswords,  in  which  you 
will  have  the  opportunity  of  your  life.  The  cur- 
tain will  drop  here,  and  then  there  will  follow  the 
intermission." 

"Are  you  going  to  have  much  of  an  intermis- 
sion?' 'inquired  Smith. 

"Oh,  ten  or  fifteen  minutes  or  so.  You  know 
we  must  give  Big  Ed,  the  proprietor  of  the  em- 
porium, as  well  as  of  the  Academy,  a  chance  to 
do  a  little  bit  of  business.  Besides,  it's  awfully 
dry  work  listening  to  good  music,  fine  songs,  and 
strong  acting  without  something  to  help  you  to 
thoroughly  enjoy  them." 

"That's  true.  That's  a  great  first  part,  Mr. 
Handy.  Music,  song,  vocal  and  instrumental; 
dance,  oratory,  and  tragedy.  Great,  great!" 

"Miss  De  Vere  will  start  in  after  the  inter- 
mission with  that  beautiful  and  thrilling  song, 
'Down  in  a  Coal  Mine.'  Some  member  of  the 
company,  whoever  knows  it,  can  recite  'Shamus 
O'Brien,'  or  some  other  equally  popular  recita- 
tion." 

"These  two  numbers  will  be  sure  to  catch  'em," 
remarked  Smith,  with  a  broad  grin  of  apprecia- 
tion. 


A  PIRATE  OF. PARTS  221 

"Then  will  follow  a  dance,  'The  Fox  Hunter's 
Jig,'  by  Mr.  Myles  O'Hara,  a  prominent  citizen 
of  Gotown,  who  has  in  the  most  generous  and 
patriotic  manner  volunteered  to  add  to  the  festivi- 
ties for  this  occasion.  It  will  be  his  first  appear- 
ance on  the  stage.  The  music  for  this  event  will 
be  supplied  by  the  celebrated  Irish  piper,  Mr. 
Dinny  Dempsey,  who  will  also  be  seen  on  the 
stage  in  native  Irish  costume  and  full  regalia. 
Then,  Smith,  you  can  trot  out  one  of  your  well- 
known  comic  monologues  that  you  are  so  famous 
in.  After  that  we'll  wind  up  with  'The  Strollers' 
Medley,'  in  which  all  the  company  will  take  part, 
and  Daisey  De  Vere  can  do  a  favorite  stunt  of 
dancing  now  and  then  to  fill  up  the  gap.  Now, 
then,  go  to  work.  Get  the  people  busy  and  have 
them  in  good  working  order.  Call  a  full  dress 
rehearsal  at  one  o'clock  on  the  stage  at  the  Go- 
town  Academy  of  Music,  so  that  we'll  all  know 
what  we've  got  to  do  at  night.  I  think  that's  all 
just  now." 

There  wasn't  an  idle  hour  for  the  remainder 
of  the  day  and  the  greater  part  of  the  next  by 
the  company,  under  Smith's  guidance,  preparing 
for  the  anniversary  event  in  Gotown.  There  were 
rehearsals,  and  rehearsals,  and  more  rehearsals. 

Friday  evening,  between  eight  and  nine  o'clock, 
Handy,  his  partner,  and  the  stage  manager  of 
the  Weston  Theatre,  arrived  in  Gotown  with  the 
borrowed  scenery  and  props.  Ed  McGowan  and 
assistants  were  at  the  station  with  three  wagons 


222  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

to  convey  the  stage  accoutrements  to  the  newly 
built  temple  of  Thespis  that  was  to  open  its  doors 
to  the  public  the  following  night.  It  was  an  all 
night  job  of  preparation,  but  there  were  many 
and  willing  hands  to  do  what  they  were  bid,  un- 
der the  direction  iof  Handy  and  his  pro  tern  stage 
manager. 

A  student  of  the  drama,  had  he  been  present, 
might  have  been  carried  back  in  thought  a  century 
or  over,  when  many  of  the  great  players  of  days 
that  are  no  more  had  to  go  through  somewhat 
similar  experiences.  The  Booths,  the  Cookes,  the 
Keans,  the  Kembles,  the  Forrests,  the  Jeffersons, 
the  Wallacks,  and  other  great  actors  whose  names 
are  written  on  the  imperishable  tablets  of  fame 
have  traveled  over  just  such  roads.  Smith  and 
the  company,  after  a  good  night's  rest  and  a  hearty 
breakfast,  reached  Gotown  early  in  the  forenoon. 

At  fifteen  minutes  past  seven  o'clock  the  doors 
of  the  Metropolitan  Academy  of  Music  were 
thrown  open,  and  at  eight  o'clock  there  was  not 
an  unoccupied  space  in  the  house.  The  Handel 
and  Hayden  Philharmonic  musicians  took  their 
places  in  front  of  the  stage  and  began  the  over- 
ture. It  consisted  of  a  medley  of  familiar  airs. 
The  audience  was  so  well  pleased  with  what  they 
heard  that  the  musicians  had  to  let  them  have  it 
again.  Then  the  curtain  went  up  and  "Box  and 
Cox,"  a  rather  original  version  of  the  old  farce, 
opened  the  show.  It  created  some  laughter,  but 
the  people  came  there  to  be  pleased,  and  they 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  223 

were.  "Old  Black  Joe"  was  sung,  with  an  invisible 
chorus,  and  brought  down  the  house.  Daisey 
De  Vere's  coon  song,  with  original  business  and 
grotesque  imitations,  made  another  big  hit.  Sig- 
nor  Collenso's  classic — and  it  was  well  rendered — 
was  tamely  received,  but  when  he  treated  his 
auditors  to  "Molly  Bawn"  and  the  "Boys  of  Kil- 
kenny" they  went  into  ecstasies.  This  was  fol- 
lowed by  the  appearance  of  the  rising  young 
lawyer,  who  paid  a  glowing  tribute  to  Shakespeare, 
and  then  introduced  King  Richard  and  Richmond 
to  fight  it  out  to  a  finish  on  Bosworth  field  for 
England,  home,  and  booty.  It  was  certainly  a 
most  elaborately  grotesque  combat.  The  people 
in  front  liked  it  apparently,  and  goaded  on  the 
combatants  to  redoubled  efforts,  and  when  the  ty- 
rant king  was  knocked  out  three  cheers  and  a 
tiger  were  given  with  a  vengeance,  and  the  curtain 
fell  on  the  first  part  amid  uproarious  applause. 

There  was  intermission  of  fifteen  minutes.  On 
the  reappearance  of  Daisey  De  Vere,  when  the 
curtain  went  up,  she  was  accorded  a  greeting  that 
showed  she  had  won  her  way  to  the  hearts  of  her 
audience.  With  her  interpretation  of  the  one- 
time popular  song,  "Down  in  a  Coal  Mine,"  she 
completely  captured  those  present  with  her  vocal- 
ization. She  had  to  repeat  the  ballad  that  good 
old  Tony  Pastor  made  popular  in  days  of  yore, 
when  she  had  warmed  up  to  her  work,  her  "I'll  tell 
you  what  I'll  do.  If  you'll  all  join  me  in  the 
chorus,  I'll  give  you  two  verses  when  I  get  my 


224  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

second  wind,"  set  them  all  laughing,  and  clinched 
the  hold  she  had  already  secured.  The  recita- 
tion of  "Shamus  O'Brien"  seemed  tame  by  com- 
parison. But  when  Myles  O'Hara  gave  them  a 
vigorous  and  athletic  exhibition  of  the  "Fox  Hunt- 
er's Jig,"  as  Myles'  father  danced  it  in  the  Green 
Isle  long  before  the  O'Haras  ever  dreamt  of 
emigrating  to  the  land  of  the  West,  the  applause 
was  once  more  renewed.  Dinny  Dempsey  sup- 
plied the  music  on  the  Irish  pipes,  which  was  in 
itself  a  novelty  so  appealing  that  he  had  to  repeat, 
and  Myles  to  dance,  until  both  were  fairly  used 
up.  It  was  eleven  o'clock  and  after  when  Handy 
and  his  company  started  in  for  the  wind-up,  with 
their  familair  old  stand-by,  "The  Strollers'  Med- 
ley." What  it  was  all  about  mo  one  present  could 
tell.  Only  there  was  plenty  of  fun  and  merriment 
in  it.  There  was  a  song,  and  a  chorus  now  and 
then,  a  bit  of  a  dance  occasionally,  and  Daisey 
De  Vere  did  a  few  grotesque  steps  and  Handy 
entertained  them  with  a  comic  speech.  All  were 
in  the  best  of  humor  and  heartily  enjoyed  what 
they  saw  and  heard.  Joy  danced  with  fun,  and 
the  crowd  was  indeed  a  merry,  happy,  and  fan- 
tastic gathering. 

Before  the  curtain  fell  Big  Ed  McGowan  came 
on  the  stage.  His  appearance  was  the  signal  for 
a  great  outburst  of  cheers.  When  something  like 
quiet  was  restored,  he  thanked  the  audience,  on 
behalf  of  the  company  for  their  splendid  mani- 
festation of  appreciation  and  grand  attendance  at 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  225 

the  great  entertainment.  He  then  invited  all 
hands  present  to  join  and  sing  "Should  auld 
acquaintance  be  forgot?"  It  is  needless  to  add 
that  it  was  sung  with  a  vigor,  strength,  and  hearti- 
ness which  still  remains  a  cheerful  memory  in 
Gotown. 


CHAPTER  XXVI 

"Say  not  'Good  night,'  but  in  some  brighter  clime 
Bid  me  'Good  morning.'" — BARBAULD. 

In  a  small  back  room  in  McGowan's  hospitable 
hostelry  Handy,  Weston,  McGowan  himself,  the 
members  of  the  company,  and  a  few  others  were 
gathered  for  a  little  bite  and  a  sup  before  the  play- 
ers returned  to  Weston.  It  was  a  convivial 
party — not  noisy  nor  boisterous.  Just  a  cheerful, 
good-natured  crowd.  All  were  happy  over  the 
night's  fun.  They  showed  it  in  their  smiling  faces 
and  laughing  eyes.  Strange  as  it  may  appear,  the 
most  thoughtful  appearing  one  in  the  assemblage 
was  the  veteran  himself.  McGowan  noticed  his 
demeanor  more  quickly  than  any  of  the  others, 
and  by  the  way  of  cheering  or  bracing  him  up  he 
rose  from  his  chair  and  proposed  for  a  standing 
toast  the  health,  wealth  and  prosperity  iof  their 
friend  who  afforded  them  the  enjoyment  they  had 
that  night, — "Our  friend,  Handy!  May  he  live 
long  and  prosper." 

It  was  given  with  a  hearty  response.  A  speech 
was  then  called,  when  Handy  with  much  reluctance 
rose  and  said: 

"Friends — I  take  the  liberty  of  calling  you 
friends  after  the  generous  treatment  you  have 

226 


A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS  227 

given  me  and  my  poor  humble  little  company  to- 
night— we  are  only  a  troupe  of  strolling  players 
trying  to  do  the  best  we  can  to  please  you,  to 
make  you  cheerful,  to  banish  dull  care  from  your 
minds  in  your  leisure  hours,  and  make  you  laugh 
with  happy  hearts.  No  one  was  ever  hurt  or 
harmed  iby  an  honest  laugh.  No  time  was  ever 
wasted  that  brought  with  it,  through  the  agency 
of  song,  music  and  acting,  brighter  thoughts  and 
happier  feelings.  And,  after  all,  that  seems  to 
me  to  be  the  mission  of  the  players.  I  am  no 
speech-maker,  my  friends,  I  am  speaking  to  you 
as  the  words  come  from  my  heart,  and  my  heart 
is  full  and  happy  to-night.  All  the  world,  we 
are  told,  is  a  stage,  a  place  where  everyone  must 
play  his  part.  And  how  true  are  those  words  both 
men  and  women  know.  I  feel  as  if  I  had  played 
many  and  many  parts.  I  have  had  my  ups  and 
downs;  my  joys  and  sorrows,  and  sometimes  I 
have  supped  bitter  in  sorrow.  But  no  matter,  I 
presume  we  all  have  the  same  story  to  tell.  I  am 
not  going  tlo  bother  you  with  a  recital  of  any  of 
them.  Let  them  pass,  just  as  the  summer  storm 
passes  away  when  the  sun  peeps  out  from  behind 
the  clouds  and  lights  up  everything  with  its  radi- 
ance and  makes  us  all  cheerful,  contented  and 
happy.  Ah,  boys !  I  have  been  many  years  on  the 
road,  traveling  over  this  broad  land  of  ours.  Aye  ! 
a  poor  player.  I  have  grown  old  in  the  line  of 
making  laughter  for  others  and  lending  a  hand 
to  bring  merriment  to  my  aid.  The  frost  of  years 


228  A  PIRATE  OF  PARTS 

is  beginning  to  lay  its  mark  already  on  my  once 
fiery  locks,  and  the  time  is  drawing  near  when  I 
will  have  to  make  my  final  exit  and  quit  work ;  and 
when  a  man  stops  working  nature  is  finished  with 
him,  and  when  nature  is  through  with  him  it  is 
pretty  near  time  to  go.  Well,  so  be  it.  In  years 
long  gone  by  I  came  across  a  little  poem  which  I 
carried  about  with  me  months  and  months,  in  the 
war  campaign  of  the  sixties,  for,  friends,  I  served 
my  time  as  a  drummer  boy  with  the  old  Army  of 
the  Potomac.  Well,  this  is  a  little  gem,  at  least, 
I  thought  it  so  then.  I  think  it  so  now.  It  was 
written  by  a  woman.  It  is  said  it  was  the  last  she 
ever  wrote.  I  read  it  and  read  it  until  I  committed 
it  to  memory.  'Tis  short,  very  short.  If  you  wish 
flo  hear  it,  I'll  recite  it  for  you  now.  Yes? 

"'Life!  we've  been  long  together 
Through  pleasant  and  through  cloudy   weather; 
'Tis  hard  to  part,  when  friends  are  dear, 
Perhaps  'twill  cost  a  sigh,  a  tear. 

Then  steal  away— give  little  warning, 
Choose  thine  own  time, 

Say  not  'Good  night,'  but  in  some  brighter  clime 
Bid  me — 'Good  morning.'  " 


END 


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